Mary
by The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i
Summary: A story about Mary Melody, and how she feels alone in the shadows of the stars. Major selfinsertion here, Plucky bashing and Star bashing! Nominated for 9 UKE Awards! Reuploaded with corrections.
1. Authors Note

Additional information for this fanfic is available in my profile. I can't post it here because FFN will remove the links. 


	2. Trailer!

TONIGHT

ON THE ABC WEEKEND SPECIAL SATURDAY MORNING MOVIE:

"Never underestimate the little people, especially if they outnumber you." - The J.A.M..

**_STEVEN SPIELBERG PRESENTS / PRESENTA / APRESENTA_**

**THERE ARE THOSE…**

_ "Hiya, Toonsters! I'm Buster Bunny!"   
"And I'm Babs Bunny."   
"No relation," they chorused. _

**WHO GLORY IN THE SPOTLIGHT…**

_ "Hey, Ham-brain! One of the rules of being a sidekick is that you can't make the hero look bad!"_

**AND THERE ARE THOSE…**

_ Some distance away, a certain member of the Tiny Toons cast was watching as the stars of the show made yet another dialogue to the camera. Quickly, she turned and walked away. _

**WHO FROM THE BEGINNING…**

_ "It's kind of an unwritten rule. We simply stay back until we're called for. That's how we 'bit players' work."_

**LIE IN THE SHADOWS…**

_ And whoever it was, whether male or female, she was sure that she would once again be pushed into the submissive role._

**IGNORED…**

_ "Whenever a 'group' is called for," explained Mary, "they immediately split off from the rest of us. Sometimes those two groups trade members, but neither feels comfortable working with any of us."_

**SHOVED BACK…**

_ Plucky then stepped up to them and shoved Mary out of the way, nearly making her fall down. "Hey, Monty, pal, that's a great idea! I'm glad I'm not the only one here who's taking precautions!"_

**TRAMPLED…**

_ Her warning was rudely cut off when she was run over by a purple bundle of libido that dashed across the restaurant toward her target._

**OPPRESSED…**

_ "…We saw him crying shortly after that, and he told us what happened. We got together, went to Steve and told him everything, and he gave Sneezer a mild apology, but didn't take back what he said because 'a Tiny Toon is a Tiny Toon,' he said…"_

**ABUSED…**

_ Mary pulled loose the bow and opened the bo-   
KABLAAAAAAMMMM!_

**UNTIL ONE TOON…**

_ When he had left, Montana greedily rubbed his hands together and proceeded to leave the restaurant. And he would have, except that Mary suddenly stood in his way _

**DECIDES…**

_ At this, the humanmaid became incensed, "What? Shirley, just what the hell is wrong with you!"_

**THAT THEY'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE **

_ "…No, you don't. And you don't know because you don't need to know. And unless that knowledge makes you look better, you won't want to know. Gosh, if that's what you call a friend, I'd hate to be your enemy, even if that made me a star." _

_Hearing this, Calamity stopped, flattened his ears, raised his hackles, turned to the duck, snarled at him momentarily, and also stomped away. _

_"Okay then. But if you do an FDS on me or any of the other 'bit players', I'll personally remove your hide and give it to Elmyra."_

_Sneezer sniffed a trifle, and declared through clenched incisors, "That was for the phone call."_

**MARY MELODY, AS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE…**

_ She blindly threw the canisters across the room, making everyone duck and tuck their ears and tails in.__ "RACIST! RACIST CARTOONS!" With adrenaline-powered strength, she shoved the pile aside, knocking over the canisters and sending the projector crashing to the floor with an angry cacophony._

**CREE SUMMER FRANKS**

_ "Good afternoon, I'm Mary Melody, and this is a special K-ACME News Report…"_

**LUKE RUEGGER**

_ "¡HIJOLE!"_

**CANDI MILO**

_ "Right, hun!_

**KATH SOUCIE**

_ "What do you mean by that, huh-huh?"_

**CALAMITY COYOTE AS HIMSELF**

_ "You never thought that I could be anything except an American?"_

**LITTLE BEEPER AS HIMSELF**

_ "¡Conejos gringos!"_

**THE J.A.M.**

_ "I'm from Mexico."_

**LIFT UP**

_ As the group moved down the hall, the other students parted to let them skate/pad/fly through. They wondered why Mary and the rest seemed unusually cheerful this morning._

**MARY**

_ "WARP! WAAARP! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRPPP!"   
Two metres from the bull's-eye.   
Must---------skate----------faster----------_

**THERE ARE _OTHER_ TOONS HERE TOO**

_**NEXT / NÄCHSTE / A CONTINUACION / A SEGUIR**_


	3. Prefacio

(...unWARP!)

Good evening.

PREFACIO

This is an attempt to expand on one of Tiny Toons Adventures most neglected characters: Mary Melody. While most characters were complete in themselves, Mary, and plenty of others, could have done much more in the series. Here, her character will be expanded and developed probably more than in the entire series (and maybe all the previous fanfics put together). Oh, and expect some blatant self-insertion, he he…

There is also plenty of Spanish dialogue here. For those of you who are rather rusty in the language of Cervantes, there is a convenient glossary at the end of each chapter.

* * *

"Hiya, Toonsters! I'm Buster Bunny!"

"And I'm Babs Bunny."

"No relation," they chorused.

Buster then continued with, "Today, on Tiny Toons Adventures, we'll take a closer look at one of our classes…"

The two rabbits happily continued their dialogue in the hall of Acme Looniversity. Some distance away, a certain member of the Tiny Toons cast was watching as the stars of the show made yet another dialogue to the camera. Quickly, she turned and walked away.

It wasn't that they were doing it wrong. Not at all, in fact, they had done that introduction so many times they were practically doing it by reflex. It might be that it was getting just a trifle monotonous and annoying, for her, at least.

No. The problem was that they were in the spotlight, and she wasn't.

Again.

Why couldn't the show do an episode on _her_, just once? Sure, there was one where it was just Furrball, Sweetie Bird, and she, but the focus was once again on the predator/prey team. Not even her pink bikini was able to get the attention off them and onto her. And the way things were going, if she had worn nothing she _still_ would not have got any attention. Today she wore her usual light purple dress shirt and blue jeans, and her ponytail was highlighted by a pink bow, but again, no one noticed.

And why?

Because that was not her role. She was cast as a simple anchor girl, and sometimes as Furrball's alternate owner. That cat switched back and forth from Elmyra to her, and even to living on the street, but even that voiceless cat got his own episodes.

She should have examined her contract more closely before signing. One hundred episodes and absolutely none were exclusively about her. There were exclusives on Sweetie, Furrball, and even Concord, but not her. Just supporting roles at best, and a myriad of cameos, both here and in fandom. She had done so many cameos, in fact, that she was officially crowned "The Queen of Cameos".

And why?

Because she was not funny.

But wasn't that why she was here? To learn how to be funny? That was the reason why she applied. She wanted to make others laugh, but given that she was probably the sanest student in the entire school, the most she could hope for now was try out for wacky newscasts a-la Saturday Night Live. But even then, she would have to heavily rely on other writers, as well as current events. Furthermore, she knew that she would never be able to do stand-up work, much less loony comedy. No one had come up to her asking for a wild-take, not even in Wild Takes Class.

And the reason was because she simply wasn't funny.

Nor crazy.

Nor loony.

And no one _needed_ her to be funny, crazy, or loony.

She would have transferred a long time ago if her contract hadn't obligated her to stay here.

Slamming her locker shut slightly harder than usual, Mary Melody trudged toward her next class, ready to take notes and pay attention, and basically, to sit in the shadows as the animal toons, and Montana and Elmyra, were given the spotlight.

Her secret hope was all but gone now.

* * *

"Never underestimate the little people, especially if they outnumber you." — The J.A.M.

Cree Summer Franks

Luke Ruegger

Candi Milo

Kath Soucie as Sneezer

Calamity Coyote and Little Beeper as Themselves

The J.A.M.

lift up

MARY

also starring

Joe Alaskey

Gail Matthius

Danny Cooksey

Cree Summer Franks as Elmyra

and Kath Soucie as Fifi LaFume

with appearances by

Charles Adler

Tress MacNeille

Hadley Kay

and Noel Blanc

Written by The J.A.M. (but please call me J.A.M.)

Edited by Kevin Mickel

Re-edited by Professor Nathaniel T. Freeman

_To all who are in search of themselves, and to all who are thrown into the shadows of others, and in memory of Charles Martin "Chuck" Jones._


	4. Uno: Import

UNO - IMPORT

Earlier that morning, no one noticed the new toon as he arrived on his black bicycle. Perhaps they might have noticed if he had burrowed his way to the Looniversity, or if he had flown in and landed there, but his species wasn't the burrowing or flying type. And it wasn't that his bicycle was like a hundred others, either. Just the opposite: it was a twin suspension mountain model, complete with mudguards, reflectors everywhere, battery-powered lights, a front metal basket with a notebook bouncing in it, a rack on the back, and footrests on the rear axle in case of an impromptu passenger. But as interesting as the bicycle appeared to be, no one appeared to notice it, or its rider. The toon drove the bicycle to the corresponding rack in the parking lot, where he dismounted and locked the vehicle in place. Removing the notebook from the front basket, he took a deep breath and looked around the place, ears perked up and tail twitching slightly, as if he was searching for someone, and then he headed inside the main building. And just as no one paid attention to the bicycle, the toon padded by unnoticed and ignored by all.

He was of the feline kind, a jaguar, to be exact. Standing at average toon height, he had yellow-orange fur with a generous allotment of spots. Though normally jaguars do not have manes, his headfur was quite long and it was combed back from his forehead, and it curled as it reached his shoulders. An earring was attached to his left ear. He was clad in an oversize black t-shirt, which had a white "Hecho en México" seal in front, and on the back, it read "Calidad: Exportable". He wore a gold chain around his neck, which held a gold Cross and a gold Star of David. A huge black watch, complete with compass, adorned his left wrist. That appeared to be his only attire, since his t-shirt was long enough to reach his thighs. He appeared to be either muscular or corpulent, but his t-shirt hid most details of his torso.

Just as he crossed the main doors, he stopped, and looked at the doorframe. The paint was chipped in a few places, but otherwise it was a fairly presentable frame. He padded to the frame, lowered his ears, put his notebook in his jaws, stood on his toes, and stretched as high as he could. He extended his claws and scratched the frame several times as high as he could reach, which was about 30 centimetres from the ceiling. He stepped back down, raised his ears again, and satisfied, continued inside. Padding down the halls of Acme Looniversity, it almost appeared as if the jaguar was invisible, since no one seemed to notice him, or the apparent property defacing he had just done. Finally, he reached his destination.

He opened the door to the Principal's Office, and was greeted with a trademark catch phrase, "Ehh, what's up, Doc?"

Mary sat at the back of the class, at the left corner, as she was practically relegated there. The "stars" of the show automatically took all the front and middle seats, and she, on the back, was with the rest of the "bit players," and they were called "bit players" because "extras" was just a trifle politically incorrect. Besides, technically, they weren't extras.

They were one step away from being so, however.

So, in front and middle sat Buster, Babs, Plucky, Shirley, Fifi, Hamton, Dizzy, Montana, Elmyra, and Furrball, while at the back there was Calamity, Little Beeper, Sneezer, Sweetie Bird, Lightning Rodriguez, and of course, herself.

She sighed.

She then saw the door open and close, apparently all by itself, but the rest of the class hushed anyways since the professors, two mice, had arrived. The professors climbed on top of the desk on the left of the classroom, and looked at their class.

"Good morning, everyone," said Hubie. "I trust everyone finished their assignm—"

"Um, Hubie?" interrupted Bertie.

"What?" asked the grey mouse, turning to him, slightly annoyed, as his ears lowered a trifle.

"Hubie, I forgot to tell you, but this morning, Bugs gave me this note," and he pulled out a large note from his body pocket, lowering his ears a trifle himself. "It looks like we'll be getting a new student today." The class murmured a trifle.

"New? But we're in the middle of the semester!" replied Hubie, snatching the note from Bertie's paws. He pulled out a pair of spectacles, placed them on his nose, and read, imitating Bugs, "Ehh, youse mices bedda make arrangements for da new transfer student. All his documents are in ordah and he's reddy to start in your class." Calmly, Hubie removed his spectacles and put them away in his body pocket. Then, he straightened his ears again, calmly rolled up the note, and swiftly he whacked Bertie's head with it.

The class laughed at this, including Mary, while Bertie held his head, ears flattened, and demanded, "Whattido! Whattido!"

"You were supposed to tell me _before_ we started class! Now get the attendance book and be ready to add him to the list because he'll be coming in here any minu—!"

The door opened again, and everyone turned to it.

Mary saw a jaguar noiselessly enter and shut the door behind him.

"Ooooo! Look at the cute kitty head!" squealed Elmyra.

_Oh, great, another furry toon,_ thought Mary, shaking her head. _Why can't there be any more human toons in this Looniversity?_ For some reason, all the attention that the jaguar had not received in the morning was being received now. All the students were looking at him, practically scrutinising him, except for Mary, who just rolled her eyes in frustration. The mice were instinctively stunned, as their low ears showed, and they tried to fight off the instinct to flee from a feline, especially a wild one.

The jaguar looked at the mice, and declared emotionlessly, "Good evening."

Evening?

It was 11 o'clock in the morning!

Hubie raised an eyebrow, but decided to ignore that introduction and asked, "You're the new student, right?"

"Yes." His voice was somewhat deep. He padded to the mice, and asked, "This is Platonic Partners 103, right?"

Bertie snapped out of his instinctive fright and replied, "Oh, what? Sure! Would you care to introduce yourself to the class?"

The panther turned and looked at the class with his orange eyes. "I AM THE J.A.M." Bertie scribbled down his name in the attendance book, an action that was captured by the corner of the feline's eye. He suddenly turned and leaned down, "Um, that's spelled T-h-e-J-period-A-period-M-period."

Hubie just looked at him, now with relaxed ears, and asked again, "So, um, J.A.M., could you tell us a bit about yourself?"

The J.A.M. straightened up and replied, "I'm from Mexico," and said no more.

Mary wasn't sure what was keeping everyone so quiet and so transfixed on this new toon. Perhaps it was the fact that he was another predator, and a roaring one at that. She only knew that the human/furry ratio in the school had shifted against her yet again. She decided to look elsewhere, and when she looked to her right, she saw that Lightning Rodriguez's face had lit up and he had perked up his ears, and Calamity's ears had also perked up. Not to mention his tail was wagging slightly.

"Uh, sure," said Hubie. "Take that empty seat on the back row, and we'll get you started."

"Thanks." Mary saw him pad emotionlessly again down the aisle and sit next to Calamity, and all eyes were kept on him until he sat.

At that point, Plucky turned back and whined, "Oh, great, this is just what we need. Another predator!"

Shirley rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, Plucky, please, like, don't start that again."

"What? Shirley, don't tell me you didn't notice the way he was looking at us with those hungry eyes of his!"

With frustration growing, Shirley wiped her face with her right wing. Mary expected that kind of comment from Plucky, so she decided to tune him out. She turned again and saw that The J.A.M. was looking at Lightning's desk. For practical purposes, it was on a shelf on the back wall, between Calamity and The J.A.M. She saw the jaguar look at the mouse, and for a moment, she thought he was going to eat him! Much to her surprise, something different happened.

The panther looked closely at the brown mouse with a blue shirt, white and light-blue sneakers, and a white and light-blue cap, who asked him, _"¿Eres Mexicano?"_ at which the jaguar nodded. Suddenly, Lightning squeaked, _"¡Ese mi carnal!"_ holding out his left paw. For the first time since he arrived, The J.A.M. smiled and carefully gave the mouse a high five. Mary realised that it was a Mexican thing, then.

Calamity also noticed this, and he held up a sign, _"¿De veras eres de México?"_

The jaguar was a trifle surprised to see this form of communication, but he replied anyway, _"Sí. __¿Tu también?"_

_"Sí, pero nadie lo sabe,"_ he signed back.

The jaguar thought about this for a moment, shrugged, and gave the coyote a high-five as well. Mary couldn't see what Calamity's sign said but she knew he was also a Mexican. In fact, a lot of the "bit players" knew plenty about each other, more than the "stars" knew, possibly because the "stars" weren't really that interested in knowing more about them. She also wondered why the Mexicans weren't being subtitled so she could read what was being said and signed.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Plucky whine again, "See? He's already confabulating against us and he's getting Calamity's help! Those two are going to eat us all!"

She saw Buster turn to Plucky and ask, "If that is true, why did he just become instant friends with Lightning Rodriguez?"

"Huh?" asked the duck, turning around again. He saw the jaguar and mouse whispering to each other, obviously in Spanish, and thought he heard the word _pato_ once in a while. Scoffing, he turned back to the front with slightly ruffled feathers, and an arched neck, "Huh! I bet he's just trying to gain his confidence so he'll succeed where Furrball here failed!"

Mary had enough of Plucky, so she turned again to her right, and saw that now The J.A.M. was whispering to Calamity again. The gestures were now directed toward Little Beeper, who was looking back at them. Suddenly he flickered his tongue and flashed a sign to the two carnivores, _"No. ¡Y no me caen bien los Chilangos, tampoco!"_

Mary didn't understand what Beeper had just signed, but she sat back a trifle when she saw the other Mexicans become stunned at this particular comment. She knew that Little Beeper was _also_ a Mexican, and just a tad rude, so he probably said something offensive. And he most likely did, since both carnivores now lowered their ears, stilled their tails, raised their hackles a trifle, looked at Beeper's eyes, and then a very, _very_ deep growling rumbled throughout the classroom, bringing silence from the rest again. Mary saw that Beeper almost turned pale at the sound that resonated in his chest, and quickly faced the front again. Everyone looked at the back row again, but no one said anything. Instead, the jaguar and coyote raised their ears and smiled politely, exhibiting their pearly white fangs. For the first time, Mary felt just a trifle afraid. It would be best not to get on the new toon's bad side, if he happened to have one, and as a predator, he most probably did.

Plucky turned to Buster again, "Ha! Now don't tell me he's NOT pla—"

"That will be all for now, Plucky," interrupted Hubie. "And now that everyone here is acquainted with our new student, we'll continue the class." He padded to the centre of the desk, where he and Bertie opened a rather large book, and they both flipped the pages to one near the beginning. Hubie continued, "Now, for his sake, today we'll do a recap of what we've learned so far.

"Platonic Partners are generally two friends, preferably of the same gender. Predators and prey are not recommended as partners, for obvious reasons, because in many occasions they've needed to take their little act to the Chase Scenes class." The class snickered a trifle, except for Mary. "The partners need to have contrasting personalities, like one intelligent and the other stupid, or one impulsive and the other restrained. What is the general formula for this—Plucky?"

Suddenly, the duck snapped out of his daydreaming/fantasising about Shirley. "Um, what?" he stuttered. He noticed that all eyes were on _him_ now. "Uh, well, um—professor, the—um—general formula—is—"

Mary sighed. Leave it to Plucky to answer like that.

"—um—a—uh—formula—that is—quite general in these cases—um—"

"Hamton?" asked Bertie, turning away from Plucky.

The pig replied without missing a beat, "The formula is a dominant/submissive combination, professor."

Mary sighed again. She knew that now Plucky was going to lean over to Hamton and whisper something derogative or something to save his ego.

And predictably, Plucky did just that, "Hey, Ham-brain! One of the rules of being a sidekick is that you can't make the hero look bad!"

Mary rolled her eyes. Now, Hamton will give a quick reply that will quash Plucky's ego for a while.

"You're right, Plucky, but I stopped being your sidekick a long time ago, and you're certainly _not_ the hero here."

Mary leaned back. Nope, Buster was always the hero; or it was either he, or Babs, or both.

But never her.

Hubie continued, "Thank you, Hamton. The dominant/submissive combination, by definition, cancels out a boyfriend/girlfriend partnership, because once you have that, you have a—?"

"Romantic Partnership," chimed the whole class, except for Plucky, who was still fuming from his latest humiliation. Buster and Babs held each other's paws and looked tenderly at each other for a moment, just as Mary silently expected.

Hubie continued with, "Exactly. Twin or Parallel personalities in the partnership are possible, like you saw with Mac and Tosh, but that combination practically _always_ needs a strong villain in order to have balance, since the partnership functions as one person, almost. Also, Plucky," the duck snapped to attention again, "you're right. A sidekick never makes the hero look bad, but then that's because _that_ combo is a—?"

Plucky thought for a moment, and replied, "Contract obligation so the hero always gets the glory?"

The class laughed at this incoherence, except for Mary, who just sighed, again. If anything, Hamton wasn't the comic relief of Tiny Toons: Plucky was. She then noticed The J.A.M. raise his right paw to answer, but Hubie turned to another who _didn't_ raise her hand—er, paw—er, wing.

"Shirley?"

"Like, that combo is called a Hero/Sidekick Partnership, er sum junk."

"Exactly," continued Bertie.

The jaguar wondered why the professor ignored him, but he didn't think too much about this. He was quite used to it, in fact.

"There's another class for that as well. And how do brother/sister partnerships come into this category—Babs?"

The pink doe replied, "Sibling partnerships are a sub-category of another sub-category: Blood Partnerships. The only combo that isn't classified here is the Big Brother/Little Brother Partnership."

"And why is that, Fifi?" asked Hubie.

"Well, most of ze time zat comes out as ze bully/veecteem combo."

Bertie finished with, "And again, that cancels out the platonic concept. Now, your assignment was to team up with a classmate to establish a partnership. Remember, opposite genders are allowed as long as—?"

"They don't get romantic," replied the class, except Mary. If any examples were requested, the "stars" were always asked, and the "bit players" were always overlooked.

"Exactly," said Hubie. "Now, do we have a few platonic examples here this morning?"

Mary sighed at the predictability of it all as she saw Buster grab Plucky's wing and raise it.

"Right here, professor!" replied the blue buck.

"Huh? What? Buster, what are you—"

The hare pulled the duck out of his chair and dragged him to the front of the classroom. Mary wondered if Buster was planning to do more ego quashing today, since it was quite obvious that Plucky hadn't done his homework. Meanwhile, the mice looked at the students.

"Very well, you two. What do you have prepared for us?" asked Bertie.

"Oh, just a little thing we came up with," replied Buster. He then lowered his ears and whispered to Plucky, "Follow my lead if you don't wanna fail this class, duck."

He then pulled two wide-rimmed men's hats from behind him and put them on each of their heads, placing his long ears through the slits on the back. Buster then took a dominant attitude, grabbed Plucky's wing, and ordered, "All right, Plucky, we're in this new place that we don't know anything about. Go out there," nodding toward the class, "and check things out, and I'll stand guard right here."

For a moment, Plucky just stood there stupidly, having no idea what to do next. Mary had already recognised the set-up, and sighed.

Suddenly Buster grabbed his hat and began beating Plucky with it. "Well, what are you waiting for?" he scolded. "Get out there and check things out!" The class laughed at this, and when they did, Plucky suddenly realised what he was supposed to do.

"OH!" he replied, trying to block the hat blows. "Sure thing, Buster, I'll explore and you stand guard." He was about to waddle down the aisle, but then he stepped back to the buck. "But Buster, what if I find a monster out there?"

"Plucky, there are no such things as monsters!" grunted the hare, stiffening his ears at him.

"B-but Buster! How can you be sure they're not out there?"

Buster was about to hit him again, but he stopped himself. "Okay," he said, "I have an idea. You go out there, and I'll stand guard. If you see any monsters, whistle, and I'll come running to help you, okay?"

"Hey, that sounds like a great plan. You stay here and stand guard, and I'll check this place out, and whistle if I see a monster."

Buster hit him with his hat again, making the class laugh, "That's what I said, dummy! Now go out there!"

"Right! Sure thing, Buster!" Plucky quickly got himself out of the range of the hat, and walked down the aisle. He paused and looked at the students for a moment before continuing. When he reached Babs' desk, she suddenly spin-changed into a pink banshee. Plucky saw her and gasped, so he immediately turned toward Buster. As he did this, Babs immediately spun-changed back to normal.

"Buster! Buster! A m-monster!" he yelled, pointing toward Babs.

"Plucky, there's nothing there!" yelled Buster, arms crossed. "Now quit fooling around and continue checking out the place!"

The duck turned to Babs again and saw that she was back to normal. She lowered her ears and gave him a toothy smile while he just smirked in disgust at her, making the class laugh again, except for Mary, who just sighed at their rehashed antics. Plucky continued with his act and moved further and further to the back of the class. He looked at Mary, who was looking back at him with a tired face. He turned to Calamity, who didn't bother to look back at him. He squeezed between Calamity's and Beeper's desks, and was now in the next aisle. He turned away from the avian, and looked straight at The J.A.M. When he did, he did a panic take, began shaking and trembling and sweating, and he stuttered, "Ohhhhhh—B—B—B—Bus—B—Buster!"

He turned to the front of the class and tried to whistle, "Phhhhhbbt! Phhhhhhbbbbbtt! Ph—ph—ph!" The class laughed openly at this, except for the jaguar and the humanmaid. Finally, Plucky dashed back to the front, leaving a trail of dust, and jumped on Buster's arms. "M—m—monster!"

The hare dropped him and whacked him with his hat again, "Shuddup!" Suddenly, both stood up straight, and took a bow with a hat flourish. The class applauded politely at them, except for two at the back, and the duck and hare returned to their seats.

Hubie spoke up, "That was very good, Buster and Plucky. Buster, your take-charge attitude was perfectly dominant on Plucky's cowardly attitude." A few toons chuckled while Plucky fumed. "But we _do_ know that was a scene adapted from that spoof you did of Abbot and Costello, 'Hold That Duck'." The duck and hare gasped at this, and one lowered his long ears in nervousness. "The assignment _was_ to establish a partnership, though, so we'll accept it. You both get an 'A'." The two sighed with relief and one raised his ears again, while Mary just shook her head. If she had tried that with anyone else, the professors would have stopped them in the middle of their performance and failed them right there and then.

Bertie spoke up again. "Lately, we've seen that you all seem to know who you work best with, and you always choose a close friend as your partner. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, since that gives you more confidence in your performances. However, we're going to make this class more challenging. We're not going to see anymore pre-established partnerships. Instead, you now have to choose someone you've _never_ worked with before!"

"WHAT!" yelled the entire class, ears lowering on the furry toons.

"Yes," replied Hubie, unfazed. "In fact, I think you should all practice this starting right now and see how well you can improvise." The toons sweated with nervousness and frustration, now that their homework just went out the window, literally, since a breeze blew all their notes out of the classroom windows at this point.

Mary sat up at this. Normally she didn't even bother choosing a partner since she _never_ got picked and so she just did the written work, but now it was all gone. Well, she wanted something different to happen, and now it was happening.

"Let's see, for our first attempt, we'll need a dominant personality—Monty, could you step up front, please?" asked Bertie.

"WHAT?" he yelped.

"You heard the professor," replied Babs, now raising her ears again, glad that she _didn't_ get picked. "Get up there!"

Grumbling, Montana stomped to the front and crossed his arms in disapproval.

"Now we'll need the submissive personality, and someone you haven't worked with before—" Both mice looked around the class, and Hubie commanded, "Mary."

"Huh?" she asked, incredulous that a professor had bothered to pronounce her name.

She looked at the mice, and Hubie said, "Yes. Come up here, please."

"WHAT!" shouted the boy, now pointing at the back of the class. "Why should I work with her! I'm rich! I don't have to do this! And she's no friend of mine!"

Mary would have seethed at this, but she knew that was Montana's predicted reaction. She did glare at him, however, clearly communicating the fact that she wasn't exactly thrilled about having him for a platonic partner either.

"Now, Monty," said Bertie. "A good actor—and actress," he turned to Mary for a moment, who hadn't bothered to stand yet, "is flexible, and should also be prepared for unexpected situations."

"But why should I work with the commoners!" demanded the brat. More glares generated from the class, as well as ruffled feathers and raised hackles.

"Because we're the professors and you're the student, Monty," replied Hubie. Montana crossed his arms again and huffed. "Mary, we're waiting for you." Both mice were now looking impatiently at the humanmaid, ears and tail stiff. With a disagreeable sigh herself, she reluctantly stood and walked to the front of the class, standing at Montana's left. She, too, crossed her arms and refused to look at the brat.

Both just stood there for a moment, until finally Bertie said, "Oh, you need a topic. Very well, um," he thought a moment, and said, "You two just won the lottery, let's see you work with that." There were a few snickers from the class as Montana rubbed his hands together and smiled evilly at his partner. Mary, however, just wiped her face at this ridiculous situation.

Montana began by pulling out a ticket out of his pants pocket, holding it in front of him with both hands, and shouting with glee, "I WON! I WON! MINE MINE MINE! ALL MINE! I'M RICH! I'M COMFORTABLY—"

"Now, Monty, don't forget, I paid for half of that ticket," interrupted Mary with a calm voice, turning to him and giving him a smile worthy of Florence Henderson.

"HA! Why should I give you part of this money!"

Pausing for a moment to unstop her ear, Mary replied, keeping her forced smile, "Because that's what we agreed, Monty dearest. If we won, half would go to me, and half to you—"

"Unless," he interrupted, his gaze drilling into her eyes, pointing at her and standing closer to her, "something happened to you, in which case I'd get all the money!"

"Of course," she continued to smile, "and if something would happen to _you_, rest assured that I'd put your part of the money to good use, like—" Mary stood there, trying to think of something funny. "—like give it to orphan rabbits and deer and make sure they are taken care of." Surprisingly, this generated a few laughs, but this was actually because of the expression that suddenly appeared on Montana's face.

"Of course," he nearly snarled. "I can always count on you to do charity work."

He smiled sarcastically, leaned closer, and would have patted her cheek, but she whispered, "Don't touch me," just before his hand touched her, while still keeping her own smile.

Montana stepped back for a moment, and continued, "Okay. What are you going to do with your part of the money?"

Mary thought about this for a moment and replied, "Oh, I don't know. Perhaps take a long vacation and go on a world cruise. How about you?"

"I'm going to—" Suddenly, an idea popped into Montana's head, signalled by the classic light bulb above him. He slowly turned to her and said calmly, "I'm going to give you a gift, of course!"

She raised an eyebrow. "A gift?"

"Sure! A gift that will show you just how I appreciate you being my _friend_," he replied through his teeth. He reached behind him and pulled out a gift-wrapped box out of nowhere.

Mary silently seethed when she saw that. She _still_ hadn't mastered that trick yet. "Thank you, Monty," she replied, taking the gift. "I knew that you couldn't be that materialistic."

Montana just smiled at her, and walked away. Mary pulled loose the bow and opened the bo—

**_(KABLAAAAAAMMMM!)_**

A pile of ashes was all that was left of her and the gift. The class was completely shocked speechless at this. Ears were lowered again.

"MINE! ALL THE MONEY IS NOW MINE! I'M DOUBLY RICH! I'M ECONOMICALLY COMFORTABLE! IT'S ALL MINE!" Once Montana finished jumping in victory, he took a bow, but no one clapped for him. He then saw that Mary hadn't pulled herself together yet, so he walked to the professor's desk, grabbed their glass of water, and walked back to the pile. Then, he leaned down and whispered, "Stick to your own economic level, no-name."

Unceremoniously, Montana poured the water on the ashes, and Mary instantly reformed herself. She was about to say something unladylike, except Hubie prevented that by saying, "Thanks you two, that will be all. You may be seated." Even the mice were stunned.

Mary stomped her way back to her desk, trying to pat down the new frizzles in her hair and also trying to straighten out her slightly dishevelled clothing. Sure, she wanted something different to happen, but why did she have to face a villain so soon? Though technically Montana didn't do anything not allowed for a villain, she still wished she could have made a comeback of some sort. She sat with her arms crossed as Hubie continued, "What type of dominant/submissive personality combo did they demonstrate—Babs?"

It took the pink doe a moment to recover from the shock, raise her ears again, and reply, "A materialistic/sensible or materialistic/naïve one."

"Exactly," said Bertie. "We have time for one more demonstration. Let's see, a new pairing—Calamity, please come up here." Mary saw the coyote raise both eyebrows at this. Who would he be paired with now if he had almost always been paired with Little Beeper?

"And J.A.M., come up here please." Mary also saw the jaguar look up with complete surprise. Like Calamity, he said nothing, and just stood and padded to the front of the class with Calamity.

But before the professors could assign the topic, the jaguar asked, "Professors? Could we choose our own topic?"

The mice looked at each other for a moment, and Hubie replied, "Okay, yes. You can come up with your own topic as long as it emphasises the partnership."

Mary then saw the jaguar and the coyote raise their ears and whisper to themselves, apparently in Spanish. Calamity was signing back with flashcards so no one could read what he was saying. Mary turned to Lightning and saw that not even he could hear what the jaguar was saying. She looked back to the front of the class and saw both carnivores silently chuckling, the jaguar swaying his tail and the coyote wagging his. Finally, both stilled their rear appendages. Calamity nodded in agreement to whatever The J.A.M. said and padded to the jaguar's far left. The J.A.M. stood in the middle of the classroom, and both began.

The jaguar, straining, looked up to the ceiling, apparently trying to look at something directly above him, but he was only moving his eyes, not his head. Then, Calamity padded to him and pulled out a huge sign with large letters large enough for everyone to read, "Hey, J.A.M., what are you doing?"

The jaguar suddenly turned, read the sign, and replied, "I'm trying to see the inside of my head," and went back to looking up as some students laughed at this, and others finally relaxed their nervous features. Mary smiled for a moment, but then she remembered that she was angry so she quickly returned to her sullen state.

"Really? Don't bother with that, J.A.M. I tried that last week and it didn't work."

The J.A.M. turned again and asked, "You didn't see anything?"

"No. I couldn't make the flashlight fit." The class laughed again. Mary decided to relax and uncrossed her arms. Perhaps they might do better than Montana and she did. "And speaking of crescent-shaped tambourines, did you know that everyone keeps saying that you and I are crazy?" A few toons were now laughing in confusion, and Mary finally smiled genuinely again.

"That you and I are crazy, Calamity?" he pointed to each other but in the wrong order.

"Yup."

"Aw, don't listen to them, Calamity," he was now pointing randomly with his index digits in front of his face, looking closely at them for no reason. "Some toons just like to waste their time like that."

"By spreading gossip?"

"No, by stating the obvious." The class snickered again. Mary even chuckled a trifle. This was certainly a nice change of pace.

The J.A.M. put his paws down and continued, "And speaking of multiple integral equations," Mary finally laughed, "did you hear that the idiot strike was cancelled?" A few more laughed with more confusion.

"It was?"

"Yes. In fact, I saw an idiot working just now."

"Really? What did he do?"

"Oh, I could tell he was a rookie. He tried to make a fool out of a black girl by giving her an exploding gift." Montana looked up in unpleasant surprise at this while Mary chuckled just a trifle louder. In fact, the whole class laughed a trifle louder.

Calamity signed, "An exploding gift? That's a bit overused."

"I know. He should have sent her on a one-way trip to Aruba or something, because now the girl will find a way to get back at him."

A few toons turned to look at Mary, who tried to look innocent, but her surprised expression was difficult to conceal right now. Montana, meanwhile, was gritting his teeth.

"Oh, look! There he is!" The J.A.M. pointed at Montana. Both carnivores padded to the human's desk, flanking him. They looked down at him inquisitively, yet with an air of ignorance. Then the jaguar turned to the coyote, "Yup, he's a classical idiot, all right. You'd think with all the money he has he would have been able to afford a dentist by now?"

Mary and the rest of the class chuckled louder while Montana turned redder and redder with rage.

Calamity signed back, "I agree. Just look at those front teeth! Do you think all his money softened his brain?"

"Well, look at Bill Gates." Both carnivores shrugged and walked back to the front. Mary and the rest of the class were laughing openly now, except for Montana. At this point, his head exploded in rage, making him float over his desk for a moment while he screamed his lungs out. The carnivores looked at him, and then he charged at the new Mexican.

Mary gasped and was about to jump out of her desk and stop Montana—

(WARPUNWARPSLASH!)

She and the rest weren't sure what they heard at this point. It sounded as if one person had said "warp," "unwarp," and "slash", but very quickly. The next thing they knew is that Montana was standing between Calamity and The J.A.M., and his appearance was a trifle dishevelled. He was still huffing and puffing and glaring at the felid. He then pulled back his right fist to take another swing at him, but for some reason, he fell into neatly sliced horizontal pieces. Mary and the rest laughed; her previous anger forgotten momentarily.

The carnivores calmly looked down at the human, and Calamity signed, "Look, J.A.M., an idiot jigsaw puzzle." The class laughed again, and Mary leaned forward, holding her chin, smiling. "Why would he want to attack us predators?"

"Because he's an idiot. He just wanted to work today, I guess." Then, both took a bow, and the class applauded them while they returned to their seats.

Moments later, Montana reformed himself, and huffed back to his own seat. This was in _no way_ over.

"You just made yourselves a powerful enemy, varmints," he grumbled to himself.

As everyone settled down, Mary leaned over and put her hand on Calamity's desk. She looked at both predators and said, "Thanks."

"You're welcome," they replied.

Back up front, Hubie and Bertie waited for the laughter to cease, and finally Hubie said, "Um, that was very good. Plucky, what type of a dominant/submissive personality combo was that?"

The duck just looked at the professors, then back at the predators, then back up front, and replied, "I have _no_ idea what that was."

"Sneezer?" asked Bertie.

"That was a Twin or Parallel Combination, with a powerful villain, yup-yup."

"Exactly," added Hubie. "In this case, the personalities were both—um—non-sequitur, and of course, the villain was Monty. Nice flow of character, guys," he told them. So Bugs was right, the newcomer _was_ able to start in the middle of the semester.

At that moment, Gogo shot out from the clock, but instead of his usual "Cuckoo!" message, he leaned over the class, looked at his watch, and screamed like Daffy Duck, "LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!"

A multiple set of smoke trails shot out the door, leaving Mary Melody, Lightning, Calamity, Beeper, and The J.A.M. inside. Calmly, they stood, and walked/padded out the door. Politely, the jaguar held the door open for Mary, and all the males waited for her to exit. As she did, The J.A.M. asked her,

"Does that happen often at lunch?"

"Every day, yes. But it's not the food, believe me. Everyone just wants to get a good seat befo—"

"Ooooooooo! The cute kitty head is out here now!"

The jaguar turned in the direction that he heard Elmyra squeal, while everyone else just said/signed, "Oh, no."

Before any toon knew what was happening, (OOOF!) Elmyra had pounced on The J.A.M., and she was giving him her trademark bear hug, squeezing the wind out of him.

With resignation, Mary sighed and told him, "J.A.M., meet Elmyra Duff, the school's resident yutz and nemesis to animal rights worldwide.

The jaguar lowered his ears and replied with a very strained voice, "Uhhhh—pleased—to meet you—Miss Duff—I don't think—!"

The yutz squealed, "I'm going to wuv you and cuddle you and squeeze you right out of your jammies!"

"That's—J.A.M.—!" he tried to correct.

Seeing that she _did_ interrupt a conversation, Mary tried to cut in, "Elmyra, can you do this later? We have to get to lunch, and we _were_ talking to him."

Elmyra suddenly whirled to her, still holding on to the panther. "NO! You're not going to get his pyjamas!"

Mary rolled her eyes at that response, as did Calamity, Beeper, and Lightning. The carnivore and rodent lowered their ears again.

"But you already have some," Mary replied as sensibly as she could.

This was confusing the jaguar. "Huh—? I'm—not—wearing pyjamas—!"

Elmyra looked at him and replied, "Sure you are, kitty! Here, let me take them off of you!" With surprising speed, Elmyra changed her grip and now she was grabbing his shirt and chest hide with her right hand, and was pushing his neck back with her left.

"Hey—what are you—!" The jaguar's words were choked out as the yutz pulled harder and harder.

The others, meanwhile, had enough. "All right, that's it! Leave him alone!" demanded Mary. She and the other toons were about to pull them apart, but stopped when they heard a low rumbling sound. One moment later, they jumped back as a powerful roar resonated in the hall at the same time a whirlwind engulfed the jaguar and the yutz. Several seconds later, they saw Elmyra sitting on the floor with stars spinning above her head. The J.A.M. had his paw on his chest, trying to rub off some of the pain. His orange eyes were somewhat dilated, his yellow-orange fur was slightly more red, and his tail looked like a chimney brush.

"Please don't do that again," he semi-growled, trying to slow down his breathing.

"Oo, the cheetah-head is strong," she replied before promptly falling apart in neat little cubes.

Her eyes, in two separate cubes, blinked absently as the panther corrected, "And that's _jaguar_, not _cheetah_. I'm not African, I'm not Asian, I'm Mexican." Satisfied, he turned and left, with the others following.

None of them saw or heard Montana walk to the Elmyra puzzle and say, "You know what, toots? You just gave me an idea."

As the others were walking/padding to the cafeteria, The J.A.M.'s appearance returned to normal and he asked, "What did all that have to do with pyjamas?"

Mary explained, "Well, it has to do with a cheetah she skinned alive last summer. She used his fur and hide for pyjamas, and I guess either she forgot that or her first set wore out."

The jaguar seemed obviously upset at this. "Sorry I asked. Say, you seem friendlier-than-average. Do you think you could show me around?"

Mary looked oddly at him for a moment. A newcomer wanted _her_ help? "Well, sure. The cafeteria's this way." She led the group down the hall, and began, "You already met Calamity, Beeper, and Lightning. I'm Mary Melody."

"Pleased to meet you, Miss Melody." They shook hands/paws—

—Mary wasn't sure why, but she felt strange holding on to something that was covered with fur, gloveless, _and_ that could carry on a normal conversation. "I'm from Mexico City," she snapped out of whatever stunned her. "I transferred here from the Instituto Mexicano De La Comedia. How about you guys?"

Mary replied, "Most of us are from here, Acme Acres, except for your fellow Mexicans. I'm sure you've heard of Lightning Rodriguez, the _second_ fastest mouse in all of Mexico?"

The J.A.M. looked down at Lightning, and said, "Let me guess. You're from Guadalajara, like Speedy Gonzales?"

"Guanajuato," corrected the mouse. "Bott I like eet here."

Mary then noticed something, "Say, if you're a Mexican, how come you don't speak with an accent, like Professor Speedy or Lightning here?"

He replied without missing a beat, "I took phonics."

Everyone looked at him for a minute, and then replied, "Okaaaaaayyyy…"

"And back home we had a satellite dish as well. Say, do those two always act like that?" he asked, looking back toward his nemeses, but they were gone now.

At this question, Mary's countenance lowered a trifle. She explained, "Unfortunately, yes. Like I said, Elmyra is a yutz, fixed on hugging the life out of whatever she considers cute. Montana Max, Max as in 'Maximilian', is the resident villain, so don't worry about him hating you because he probably already does, especially after that bit you did with him. The only way you'd make friends with him is if you had as much money as he does. He's your average spoiled brat, _so_ spoiled, the only one here who likes him is Elmyra, but as I said, she's a yutz. Calamity here could be considered a villain because he's always paired against Beeper."

Then, Calamity signed with slightly low ears, "Though for all intents and purposes, it seems that _he_ is the villain, with the way he answered you a while back."

Beeper huffed and signed back, "Hey, I call them like I see them. I don't have to like anyone if I don't want to!"

The jaguar sighed, lowering his ears himself.

"Well, excuse him for being born in the wrong place!" Calamity continued, raising his ears again. "Speaking of being born, we're both from Heroica Nogales, but moved here when we were little."

"¿Sonora?" asked the panther, relaxing his ears once more.

"Yes," signed Beeper.

Mary led them into the cafeteria, and began walking/padding toward a table in the corner. As they made their way through, Mary continued the introductions, though it was from a distance.

"On that table you see a blue and pink rabbit. That's Buster and Babs Bunny—no relation, ha ha," she laughed with boredom. "They're the hosts of Tiny Toons Adventures. He likes to give wise cracks, and she's on a caffeine high all day long. Don't be surprised if you see her impersonating any random star. Beside them is Plucky Duck. He's annoyingly egotistical, and as you saw today, a bit prejudiced against predators. I can't imagine why, because most of the attacks he receives are from Shirley. That's the loon girl that's sitting next to Babs. She's keen on being 'centred', and she's heavily into metaphysics. She's the school's psychic."

"Psychic?" asked the jaguar, raising an eyebrow and lowering his ears.

"Yes. You don't believe in that stuff?"

"Well, 'believe' as in knowing that it exists, yes. I just try to stay clear from metaphysics and mysticism and everything that has to do with mental powers." He sighed, hoping that at least Shirley would become a friendly acquaintance at best.

Mary continued, "Well, the rooster sitting by himself is Fowlmouth. Don't stick with him unless you wanna cuss out a sailor." For no reason, a very loud expletive exploded from the avian in question, making everyone flinch and the mammal toons flatten their ears as a "bleep" automatically blanked it out of sound.

Slowly, everyone straightened up and relaxed their affected appendages, and the jaguar commented, "I don't think I've heard that one before."

"You'll be surprised at how much he knows," she continued. "Over there is Furrball. I used to own him, but I guess he decided to go out on his own. He seems unlucky, but that's just a popular opinion. There's Hamton, your average neat-freak—"

"A pig is a neat-freak?"

"Yes. His family is working like crazy to fight the 'dirty-as-a-pig' stereotype. Over there is Dizzy, a Tasmanian Devil, in other words, a trash compactor. I don't know how he did it, but despite him being so messy, he actually has an _adult_ _human_ girlfriend."

The jaguar blinked at this. "I don't want to know."

"Neither does anyone else. Let's see, I think that's all the major 'stars' of Tiny Toons—"

"_Bonjour, monsieur_ jagooar!" Everyone was stopped by a purple skunkmaid who blocked their path.

_"Bonjour,"_ repeated the jaguar politely. Mary sighed with annoyance again,

"Oh, how could I forget. J.A.M., meet Fifi LaFume, the school's resident French flirt."

"French? You speak French?" he asked the memphitid, curling his tail in curiosity.

_"Oui,"_ giggled Fifi, batting her eyelashes at him. _"Parle-tu Français aussi?"_

_"Un petit,"_ he replied. _"J'ai un peu de pratique."_

For some reason, Mary didn't like the way the jaguar was smiling at the skunkmaid. She continued, "A word of warning: don't let her catch you with a white stripe down your back."

"Why not?" asked the felid, still smiling at the memphitid in front of him.

Fifi replied for Mary, swaying her tail herself, "Because, mon amour, we could become ze reelly closs friends, non?"

"Oh, I see the problem here," signed Beeper.

Everyone looked at him, stilled their respective appendages, and asked, "Problem?"

"Yes, Chilango, the back of your shirt almost looks like a white stripe." The jaguar straightened up at this piece of information, and turned around so the others could see the back of his shirt.

"You think so?" All read the "Calidad: EXPORTABLE" lettering on the back. Before anyone could say anything else, Fifi wrapped her tail around him and brought him nose-to-nose.

"So, yoor _qualité_ ees good enough to be, 'ow you say, _exportable_? 'Ow about Ah show vous _mon_ qualités?"

The J.A.M. smiled as she continued to flutter at him, _"Cette proposition paraît intéressant, Mademoiselle LaFume._ You're certainly more friendly than anyone el—"

Suddenly, the jaguar frowned and lowered his ears. He turned to Mary and asked, "Did you say 'resident _flirt_'?" The humanmaid nodded.

"Oh, mon spotted Lateen, leave zem and seet wiz moi." The skunkmaid pulled him closer.

The jaguar continued, however, "So basically, she does this to _everyone_?"

"Well, everyone she has the hots for at the moment. If you have a white stripe down your back, she'll chase you to no end," replied Mary.

"Oh?" asked The J.A.M., turning back to Fifi, raising his ears, curling his tail and smiling— "Oh," he repeated, lowering his ears, stilling his tail, and not smiling.

The skunkmaid looked confused at this statement. "Quelle?" Gently, the jaguar unwrapped her tail from around him.

"Sorry, Mademoiselle LaFume, maybe later. You can sit down with us if you want, though."

The skunkmaid looked at him with slight shock, and without another word, lowered her ears, pointed her tail at him in anger, and stomped to Babs' table. The jaguar looked at her, surprised, and as Fifi left them he turned back to Mary, "What?"

She sighed again, "Let's just say she's not too used to being rejected like that, no matter how nicely you put it." She didn't know why, but she felt relieved that he didn't pursue the matter. "But don't let her get to you. She's a flirt, so she'll do that to everyone. She'll be doing it to someone else by next period. You speak French?" she asked, hoping to change the subject.

"Yes," he replied, relaxing his features. "I told her I speak a little because I've had a little practice. How about you?"

"I study journalism, so French and a few other languages are somewhat required, but I haven't had much luck in those. Oh, here's our table." The group sat at a table where Sneezer and Sweetie Bird were sitting close together. "Thanks for saving us the table guys."

"You're welcome," they replied.

As they took out their lunches, Sweetie asked, "Um, J.A.M., you don't have any food with pepper, DO YOU?" It was an odd question asked oddly, but not necessarily weird, to him, at least.

"Well, no. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I don't know if Mary already told you but Sneezer here has a rather sensitive nose—and VERY POWERFUL LUNGS."

"That's right," Mary added suddenly. "If you ever need a demolition crew and Dizzy isn't available, just put some pepper on Sneezer's nose—and stand clear or you'll be blown to bits."

It was hard for the jaguar not to lower his ears again and look at them strangely, so he just replied, "I'll keep that in mind."

The humanmaid returned to her exposition, "This is Sweetie Bird, and she lives with me. It's a basic arrangement, if you don't mind her LOUD voice once in a while." Sweetie just stuck her tongue out at her, and the group laughed. "So basically, that's our little group. Everyone else is just an extra, I suppose. But tell us about yourself now." She didn't know why, but she felt rather curious about this mysterious toon.

The panther stopped eating his buffalo sandwich (made of real buffalo, complete with tail) and explained, "Well, there's not much else to know about me. I'm just an average toon jaguar who grew up in Mexico City. I wanted to try out for cartoons, but even with the Comedy Institute, there wasn't much of _any_ animation happening in Mexico, so I decided to transfer here. Down in Mexico, someone like me would only manage to become an extra, a 'bit player' at most. And no one seemed to be interested in the voices I can imitate."

"Joo do eempersonations?" asked Lightning, raising his ears at him. "Like Babs?"

The panther remembered the doe's demonstrations earlier, and replied, "Well, not exactly like Babs. I do voice imitations, not full-body impersonations. Like this:" He straightened up, lowered his ears, pitched his voice lower, and declared, _"THIS IS CNN."_ He changed it slightly, "Tonight, on the ABC Saturday night movie—" He changed it radically, and said, "Well, yes," sounding exactly like Ronald Reagan. "The Soviet Union is an evil empire, right Nancy?" Mary and the rest were chuckling a trifle, and he finally raised his ears and spoke with his normal voice, "It's hard doing voices that are higher pitched. My voice is so low it gives me some trouble."

"Hey, you're actually good!" signed Beeper, surprisingly. "Is that why you came here?"

"Well, I guess I came here because I wanted to become something more than just a 'bit player'." The rest gave soft exasperated gasps at this and a few lowered their ears a trifle, while Mary just shook her head.

"You want to be more than a 'bit player' here? Well, good luck then, 'cause you'll need it. Everyone on this table has been trying like you wouldn't believe to get a major role in _any_ story, and none of us have managed to get anywhere. Especially me. I'm studying comedy here, as well as journalism. I'm the anchorwoman for the Looniversity evening news. But what I always wanted to do is comedy, you know. So if you don't do well in comedy, you have to make sure you have something to fall back on. I have journalism, Calamity has multiple engineering, Beeper has track and field and is studying cooking—"

"Cooking?"

"Yes," signed the avian. "I work at a pizza parlour mostly to deliver, but I also study how they make them."

"And you wouldn't believe how many here don't know that. Sweetie here is trying out zoology. Sneezer has music. All of this, in case comedy fails for us."

"Golly, sounds just like home. Back in Mexico, I not only studied French. I also know some German, Italian, and Portuguese. Not too much, though, and I know some bits of Hebrew and Greek."

Everyone looked at him with surprise, "Really?" asked Mary.

"Like you said, Miss Melody, we need something to back us up. But actually, I took languages more as a hobby than out of actual academic reasons. They're interesting to learn, you know."

"Well, here, you can't afford to pass the time away, unless you're extremely funny," she looked with contempt at the "stars". "And as you saw today, I'm not exactly good at it."

"Why do you say that? You made some toons laugh," he said.

She frowned with frustration, "But don't you see? Monty got the best of me, and I couldn't even come up with _any_ type of comeback!"

"But don't you practice this sort of thing all the time?"

The entire table gave a "sheesh" at that question. "We would if there was enough time and space for _everyone_. Unfortunately, all the available practice time and facilities are automatically given to the 'stars'." She looked with frustration at the table where all the "stars" were.

"That doesn't sound fair," he commented, keeping his ears low.

"It isn't," she continued. "But it's not as if we have much say in the matter. The Warner Brothers execs have branded us as 'bit players', and we just can't seem to get out of that. You seem to be a good friend, but if you want to be more than a 'bit player', I'd recommend you sit with the 'stars'. You have good talent there, so you might have a better chance of getting somewhere than if you stay with us."

The J.A.M. looked at the humanmaid for a moment, and then he looked at the table where Buster and Babs were sitting. Fifi had chosen to eat with them, and she turned slightly, looking back at him. With annoyed contempt, she turned away, her ears and tail still proclaiming annoyance, and she continued eating. And not only Fifi: it seemed that the entire "stars" table had chosen to _not_ look at Mary's table. The panther thought for a moment, and looked at the humanmaid, "I think I'll try first with you guys. Besides, it's nice to have someone to talk to in Spanish. French, it seems, will have to wait."

The rest shrugged and continued eating, relaxing their features. After a while, Mary turned, "J.A.M., can I ask you something?"

"Fire away."

"What does 'J.A.M.' mean?"

At this question, everyone in the cafeteria hushed and leaned toward the "bit players'" table to listen to the answer, including the cafeteria workers.

Noticing this, the panther lowered his features in slight fright, and replied, "Uhhh, I'll tell you later, okay?" Disappointed, everyone returned to their business. A few moments later, the feline leaned down and whispered, "Sorry, but it's a long story. I'll tell you all about it when we don't have an audience, is that all right?" The "bit players" looked at each other, and nodded in agreement. "But how about _you_, Miss Melody?"

"What about me?"

"Tell me more about you now."

The humanmaid saw his ears turning toward her. She swallowed a bite of sandwich and replied, "There's not much about me that I haven't told you. I'm studying journalism as well as comedy, I like to roller blade and play basketball, and like everyone else on this table, I feel kinda left out of the spotlight."

The J.A.M. didn't know what to reply to that, so he continued eating as well. They all ate in silence for the rest of the period, until Gogo came out of the clock again and hollered, "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! If you're thinking that he'll hang out with you 'bit players', you must be cuckoo!" And he pulled back inside the clock again. The jaguar raised an eyebrow at this, but decided to ignore it. And he would have, but then he noticed that the others looked quite annoyed by that comment, as their features showed.

The toons left the cafeteria in a more or less organised manner, and once they were out in the hall, they went to their lockers. Mary was just about to ask the new toon what his next class was—

"Oooooooooo! The cute kitty head!" Unfortunately, Elmyra had other ideas. This time, however, The J.A.M. saw her coming. "I'm going to hug you and cuddle you and skin you alive and—"

(WARPUNWARP!)

(WHAM!)

Mary and the others became confused at what they just saw. In one instant, The J.A.M. was standing in front of his locker, ears against his head and tail bristling, and in the next instant he wasn't there, allowing Elmyra to mould her likeness on the metal. With a grunt, the yutz pulled free of the locker door, but instead of birdies or stars, black spots spun around her head.

"Oooh, look at the cute spotsie wotsies—" she mumbled before falling back.

Mary and the rest saw her slump to the floor, and then they heard a deep voice behind them, "She didn't count on my cleverness!" They all practically jumped at his sudden statement. Whirling around, everyone saw the jaguar standing behind them, ears and tail normal now. "Pathetic, isn't she?"

"Wh-wh-h-how did you do that?" she stuttered.

"What, the warping/unwarping?" Mary nodded, flabbergasted, while the rest just stood there in slight shock, ears flat and tails low. Beeper lowered his neck and took a few steps back, wondering if this predator was actually faster than he was. "Well, let's say I was inspired by Kwicky Koala. I had lots of practice in the jungle because there you have a lot of shadows to move around in. Being a feline, I can move around without making any noise, and according to my parents, we just _might_ have some cheetah genes, but I haven't taken a DNA test yet."

Everyone looked oddly at him for a moment, until the humanmaid said, "Uhhh—thanks for the info—I guess—uh—what's your next class?"

The jaguar pulled out his schedule from under his shirt, read it, and replied, "Animation History. You?"

"Wacky newscasts. I guess this is where we split off?"

"I guess. Say, where does everyone hang out after school? Maybe we can all meet later."

"Well, mostly everyone hangs out at Weenie Burger. It's near the downtown area. You can't miss it," she explained.

"Okay, I guess I'll see you all there, then," he replied, smiling. He then saluted them all and declared, "Until next time, remember:" His voice suddenly deepened, "I AM THE J.A.M." His voice returned to normal, and he finished, "Good evening."

(WARP!)

Everyone heard what seemed like one person saying "warp", and when they did, the jaguar vanished from sight. Mary and the rest also went to their separate classes, still a trifle frightened, and all were wondering what would this newcomer bring to the Looniversity, if anything at all.

* * *

Spanish/French - English

"¿Eres Mexicano?" - "Are you Mexican?"

"¡Ese mi carnal!" - "Yo, brother!"

"¿De veras eres de México?" - "Are you really from Mexico?"

"Sí. ¿Tu también?" - "Yes. You too?"

"Sí, pero nadie lo sabe," - "Yes, but no one knows."

Pato - Duck

"No. ¡Y no me caen bien los Chilangos, tampoco!" - "No. And I don't like Chilangos, either!"

Chilango - Someone born in Mexico City

Instituto Mexicano De La Comedia - Mexican Comedy Institute

Guanajuato - Important city in the Mexican central plateau. Also the Guanajuato State capital.

Heroica Nogales, Sonora - City adjacent to Nogales, Arizona

"Oui. Parle-tu Français aussi?" - "Yes. Do you speak French, too?"

"Un petit. J'ai un peu de pratique." - "A little. I have a bit of practice."

"Cette proposition paraît intéressant." - "That proposition seems interesting."

"Quelle?" - "What?"


	5. Dos: Enemies And Stalkers

DOS - ENEMIES AND STALKERS

The final bell had rung long ago, and the Looniversity had emptied for the day. The "stars" of Tiny Toons were sitting in their usual booth in Weenie Burgers, happily chatting to themselves.

Mary Melody, however, was sitting by herself in the booth farthest from the door. She looked up when she heard the door open, but looked down again when she saw that it was only Elmyra pulling a reluctant Montana inside. (UNWARP!) She idly stirred her milkshake with her straw, disappointed that the day ended just like it always did: with the "stars" getting all the attention, and with all the others, including the newcomer, leaving her alone. Then again, maybe The J.A.M. got lost while trying to get here. Maybe she should have given him the actual address and directions on how to get here—

"Good evening."

She nearly threw her milkshake to the ceiling upon hearing that. Glancing up again, she saw the new toon sitting in front of her.

"Wh—how—when did you get here?"

"About a minute ago. I hope you haven't been waiting long."

She waited for her heart to slow down, and replied, "Uh—well—no—I got here a—few—minutes ago."

"Good. I was hoping no one would notice if I got here late. Normally, it takes me the _longest_ time to arrive somewhere for the first time. Once I learn where the place is, I can get there a lot quicker."

Mary looked at him. "You mean you also warp to and from the Looniversity?"

He shook his head, "Oh, no. My normal way of travelling is by bicycle. My warping is only effective on short distances. I warped from the parking lot to the entrance, taking advantage that the door was open, and then right to here."

She leaned back for a moment, "Wow, when you say you move noiselessly, you move noiselessly! I didn't even hear you sit down!"

"Well, being covered with fur does come in handy when dealing with vinyl seating. That, and you were studying your milkshake very closely, I think." He smiled, and she almost did too. "You know, one time I warped next to my younger brother in a bus and he didn't notice I was right next to him until we got off!"

Her eyes widened at this. "How on earth did you do that?"

"Practice, my dear, practice. That, and he was looking out the window probably daydreaming about something. Warping is more effective when the others are just a bit distracted." They looked at each other for a moment, and then chuckled a trifle. Well, perhaps this day wouldn't end so dully after all.

"You have a brother?" she asked, finally relaxing.

"Several, in fact. I'm number three of seven."

"Wow, seven? That must have been a crowded house you lived in!"

"You get used to it."

"No way," she countered. "I'm an only child, and when I had Furrball for a pet, my apartment just seemed to shrink!"

"You live in an apartment?"

"Yes. My building is about ten minutes from here. Where do you live?"

"In the forest just outside of town. When I got here two weeks ago, trying to get away from my 'crowded house', I was baffled at how high the rents were. So, I looked for a place in the forest, and surprisingly, I found the perfect mix of tree house and cave. I was able to get utilities installed there, and I've been more or less trying to fix things up as well."

"Sounds like you could use a house warming party," she smiled, and suddenly wondered why she made such a suggestion.

The J.A.M., however, looked blankly at her. "A…?" he questioned.

Mary's face became confused as well. "A house warming party," she repeated. She looked at her friend's confused face, and could almost hear the gears turning in his head:

_"House Warming Party". House: noun, by its position, it's an adjective in this case. Warming: progressive verb, by it's position, it's also an adjective. Party: noun—_

"A party to warm my house?" he asked confusedly. "Wouldn't we just need a heating system to do that?"

Mary's thought processes ground to a halt at this blunt question. "J.A.M., you don't know what a house warming party is?"

The jaguar tapped an extended claw on the table reflexively for a moment, and replied, "Um, I'm not from around here."

"Oh," she suddenly said, finally understanding. "It's a 'Welcome to the neighbourhood' party, sort of. Kind of a celebration to make your house feel more like a home."

The panther pondered on that explanation, "That sounds interesting, but trust me, you _don't_ want to go to my house yet."

"Why not?" she asked, wondering why she felt just a trifle disappointed.

"It's a mess. I still need time to fix things up to raise it to minimum presentable conditions."

The humanmaid thought for a moment, and asked, "Well, why don't all of us go to your house and help you fix it up? It must be lots of work if no one else is helping you."

It was time for her friend to lean back a moment. "Gosh, Miss Melody, thanks for the offer. I guess I never thought of asking for help because I really just wanted to _finally_ do something myself. That, and I'm a bit of a loner."

The humanmaid looked at him for a moment. "You were raised with six other siblings, and you're a _loner_?" she asked incredulously.

"Ironic, isn't it? But when you grow up in a crowded house, you kinda yearn for your own space. It's just a bit difficult for me to ask others for help, not that I don't think I need it, it's just that I'm not used to it. Besides, jaguars _are_ solitary animals. I wouldn't mind having company, of course, if that's okay with you guys."

"Hey, most of us are here to help others out! Well, except Beeper, since he doesn't seem to like you very much. Man, and I thought _I_ was the loner around here!" she exclaimed. "Being an only child, you kinda _want_ company. The 'stars' of Tiny Toons don't help much with that, so that's why I turned to the 'bit players'. We help each other out whenever we can. You'll find friends in the strangest of places here."

"And Weenie Burger seems quite strange, I tell you that."

Mary thought about this response, and suddenly realised that the phrase meant that he was now considering her his friend, despite her warnings during lunch today.

"You—you think so?" she stuttered, and wondering why she was stuttering.

"Well, I made a new friend here, didn't I?" She looked at his orange eyes for a minute, and smiled.

"Yes. You did. I need all the friends I can get."

"Speaking of friends, are we waiting for the others before we eat?"

She raised an eyebrow again, "Others?"

"Yes, Mister Coyote, Mister Rodriguez—————and the rest," he finished, after deep thought.

Mary was about to give a dampening reply to that question, but she was momentarily saved from that when she saw someone else enter the restaurant. "Well, Calamity's here," she noted.

"He is?" The J.A.M. turned around to try to see his other friend enter—

"KITTY HEAD!"

Elmyra had suddenly knelt on the seat of the booth directly behind The J.A.M., and she was holding him tightly, pinning his arms down.

"Um, didn't we already go through this, Miss—?" gasped the jaguar, flattening his ears. "What was your last name again?"

"Elmyra!" she squealed again, ignoring the "last" in his question. "And I'm gonna cuddle you into itty-bitty pieces and then I'm going to give Monty-wonty a new set of pyjamas!"

The J.A.M. grunted as she squeezed harder and tried to pull him out of the booth. "Drat. I can't warp and I can't do a Feline Defence Spin! Um, Miss—what—what do you mean, 'give Monty a new set—'!"

Mary just shook her head, "J.A.M., I think that she wants Monty and her to have a matching set."

This made the jaguar growl and raise his hackles. "Oh? Um—look, I hate to tell you this—but—I really can't part ways with my fur—right now—!"

She just squeezed harder. "Oh, don't worry, kitty! I have a nice barrel that you can wear afterwards! One size fits all!"

The J.A.M. struggled to get out of her hold, but she had strangely powerful arms. Now even Mary was getting annoyed. "Elmyra, just let go of him."

"No!" she frowned at her. "I'm going to give Monty his very ownAACCKK!"

The J.A.M. had his arms pinned to his torso, but his elbows worked fine, so he was able to bring up his right paw, and with feline flexibility, he managed to grab Elmyra's throat, apparently choking her.

"Um, J.A.M., what are you doing?" asked Mary, suddenly becoming wary of the whole thing, as she stood up and backed off slightly from the booth.

"He's choking her!" shouted Plucky, ruffling his feathers, as he and the rest of the toons began to gather around.

Features all around expressed fear and anger, but Calamity took a closer look, relaxed his own features, and signed, "No, he's not."

"What do you mean he's not?" asked Hamton. "Just look at her!" Everyone did, and saw that her eyes were beginning to roll up into her head. Her hold on the feline failed, and he pried himself loose, but still keeping his apparent chokehold.

"Um, okay, J.A.M., you got loose. Now let go of her," pleaded Mary, getting more scared by the minute. And she could swear his yellow fur was turning red.

He turned and looked into her eyes. "Trust me," he whispered, trying, but failing, to sound like Harrison Ford. It was then that Mary took a closer look at this "chokehold". He had extended his paw digits, showing that he wasn't trying to collapse her windpipe. Only his thumb and middle digits retained their hold on her neck. Now that he was free from her arms, the jaguar twisted around until he was facing his attacker. By now, Elmyra was out cold. The J.A.M. padded around the booth, still grabbing her, and gently set her down on the seat. He held her down for a few more seconds, and finally released her. He straightened up to find a green wing-digit pointing at him.

"HE KILLED HER!" yelled Plucky, arching his neck again. "I _KNEW_ THAT CARNIVORES COULDN'T BE TRUSTED! SEIZE H—" His quacking was cut off by a sharp jolt of pain in his wing-digit, generated by The J.A.M.'s fist as he clamped it on him.

"First of all, Mister Duck, it's not polite to point. Second of all, I didn't kill her. If you had taken a closer look, like Calamity did, you would have noticed that I only used two fingers to grab her. If I had wanted to choke her, I would have used my jaw, not my paw. And third of all, if you had taken the time to actually look _closely_ at her _right now_, you would have seen that she continues to breathe." Annoyed, he released the duck, who yanked his wing back and covered it with his other wing. Grimacing in pain, Plucky looked down at Elmyra, and saw that she was indeed still breathing. "She's not dead, she's just sleeping. And if you still don't believe me, I'm sure your 'psychic' friend will verify that."

The J.A.M. angrily turned to Shirley, who snapped out of her shock. She closed her eyes, concentrated a moment, held one wing toward Elmyra, and chanted for a moment, "Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam," then she opened her eyes again, and stated, "He's right. She only fainted. But—how did you do that?"

Straightening out his ears, fur, and shirt, he replied, "Back in Mexico, I also studied anatomy. As a predator, that's kind of a required course. Once you get into the _really_ detailed stuff, you can know where the 'off', 'reset', and 'snooze' buttons are on various species."

"AHA! So you _admit_ to being a killer!"

Mary was getting ready to kick Plucky out of the restaurant, but waited when she saw The J.A.M. slowly turn to him and slowly try to explain. "Mister Duck, I'm a carnivore—"

Plucky just shouted to all around him, "He can't be trusted! No predator can be trusted!" Mary stood still at all this annoyance. She wanted her day to end differently, but not if it involved things spinning out of control.

"What about me?" signed Calamity, stepping beside the duck, flattening his ears and raising his hackles. "You never seemed to mind me hanging around here!"

Plucky suddenly turned to the canine and quacked, "Oh? How do we know that all this time you and Professor Wile E. haven't been plotting against us?"

The coyote bared his teeth and signed, "Listen, you _anseriform_! Professor Wile E. and I are under contract so that the ONLY live prey we eat are road runners! But if you keep this up, I just MIGHT activate a sub-clause to include DUCKS in my diet!"

Plucky, unfortunately, didn't read his explanation or threat because he was still reading the beginning of the message. "_What_ did you call me, fuzz-face?" he asked, poking the carnivore's chest.

Calamity flashed another sign, growling openly, "_Anseriform_. You are a mallard, of the Order—"

Here, the other carnivore intervened and lowered the sign before Plucky could read it. "Don't bother, Mister Coyote. Taxonomic knowledge is wasted on him."

"Taxonomic?" quacked the anseriform, turning to glare at both of them now. "You mean you want to stuff me and have me on display in your trophy room?"

Mary, and everyone else, blinked at this accusation, and a minute later Buster took advantage of the lull and tried to explain. "Plucky, that's 'taxidermy'. The J.A.M. said 'taxonomy', as in your scientific classif—"

At that moment, Montana interrupted, "So, he's bothering you, too?" He looked at the feline. "Well, I wasn't going to get involved with this, but seeing what he did to Elmyra, I'd be more than glad to help you get rid of him."

"NOW HOLD IT!" grunted Buster, lowering his ears. "_NOBODY_ is going to get rid of _ANYONE_"

Seeing the argument starting to heat up, The J.A.M. lowered his ears again and calmly said, "Um, guys, I _really_ don't want to cause any trouble here, but I _was_ only defending myself. If it makes you feel better, I'll just eat at home then—"

"But J.A.M., why did you have to defend yourself like that?" asked Mary, trying to bring calm to the storm, finally. "Why didn't you warp?"

"Oh, that. Well, my warps are simulated. I can't actually teleport or go through matter. I just move very fast and very quietly and I stay in the shadows. Watch."

(WARPUNWARP!)

In one instant, he was there, and in the next one, he wasn't.

"See?" Suddenly everyone whirled and saw that the jaguar was now standing behind them, with no toons blocking his way to the entrance.

This was more than enough for Plucky. "Well, I still say he can't be trusted! No one with fangs as big as his can possibly be up to any good!"

"Plucky, like, just, knock it off, okay?" hissed Shirley, with ruffled feathers and arched neck herself.

Seeing the commotion starting to increase again, The J.A.M. said, "Um, look, guys, you just go ahead and calm yourselves down, and to help you do that, I'll politely remove myself from here. Miss Melody, I'm sorry I ruined your afternoon, as well as everyone else's. Until next time, remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening—"

Buster raised his paws toward him. "No, no, you don't have to leave! It's just that the 'anseriform' here," he turned toward the duck, grunting (WARP!) "has a rather big BEAK."

Mary sighed. Leave it to Buster to try to save the day. Why couldn't she ever think of something that would also do that?

Plucky turned to Buster and rose to stand on his webbed toes, now more incensed. "HA! My 'big beak' just _might_ save your fur one day!" he pointed angrily at the rabbit. "I'm the only one right now who's doing something to protect ALL OF US—and that includes your cotton tail AND your girlfriend's—" he nodded toward the pink doe, "—from someone we don't know! And you just saw what he did to Elmyra! How do we know he wasn't going to gobble her up?"

"Because he said he wasn't?" asked Mary, stepping up to the anseriform and wanting to remove his beak from his head.

He turned to her, "And you believe him?" He stood down, relaxed his feathers and neck, and turned to the loon hen now, "Shirley, read his mind and you'll see _exactly_ what he's plotting against us!"

Mary saw the loon hen's wingtips crackle with sparks as she stood to the duck's face. "Like, Plucky, I don't _read_ anyone's mind without their permission! And the only time I do is when I'm, like, sensing bad vibes from someone, and all the time The J.A.M.'s been here I haven't, like, sensed anything evil from him at all, er sum junk! Even when he was, like, defending himself from Elmyra I didn't pick up, like, any malice whatsoever! But I WILL tell you that the only bad vibes I'm picking up right now are from Monty, Elmyra, and YOU!"

The duck scoffed at this, closed his eyes, folded his wings in front of him, and held his beak up. "Do you now? Well, why don't you read his mind and tell me if those vibes are REALLY from me and not from him, then?"

Mary saw Shirley's right eye twitch slightly at this suggestion. "Well, like, that's a good idea, er sum junk. But first I need to, like, cancel out the other vibes that I'm, like, getting, er sum junk."

"Then go ahead, I'm not stopping you," stated Plucky. With a brilliant flash and a clash of thunder, Plucky was transformed into a pile of ashes. Everyone winced and rubbed their eyes for a moment, so they didn't see the steam coming out from Shirley's wingtips, except for Mary, who shielded her eyes just in time, expecting that reaction from Shirley.

The loon hen then closed her eyes again and held one wing toward the jaguar. "Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwha—huh?"

"What?" asked Mary.

"Like, I'm not getting _any_ vibes, either good _or_ bad, er sum junk. In fact, I, like, can't even _find_ his mind! Hey, J.A.M., like, what are—" The loon hen turned to him—

—and he wasn't there.

Babs then spin-changed into a hunter's outfit, and babbled, "Which way diddee go, George, which way diddee go?" Every toon looked around the restaurant, but he was clearly gone, so the pink doe spun back to normal. Then, every toon looked at each other for a moment, and suddenly ran toward the window. Looking down the street, they saw The J.A.M. pedalling out of sight around a corner.

Montana cackled, "I think he took his own advice and went home! Well, good riddance!"

At this moment, someone stirred from an unexpected slumber, "Ooooh, where's the cute little fuzzy kitty head?" Everyone turned to look at Elmyra, who was now sitting up. The toons all looked at each other again and dashed out of the restaurant, leaving multiple dust trails behind, except for Montana and Mary, who remained inside. Elmyra saw the dust sucked out the closing door, looked back at Montana, and asked, "Was it something I said?"

"No," he whispered, keeping Mary out of the conversation. "But don't worry about getting me my set of pyjamas. I'll take care of that in a little while."

With that, the human left the restaurant, looked down the street, and gave a high whistle. One moment later, his limousine zipped to a halt in front of him. As he got in, he ordered, "Follow that jaguar on the bicycle, but don't _look_ like you're following him!" A few seconds after he settled in, he replied to an unheard question. "I don't know! Drive casual or something!" At his orders, the limousine pulled into the street and drove away.

Mary just stood inside the restaurant. Once again, she had been left alone, and powerless to do anything to help her friend.

Several minutes later, the limousine stopped. Montana, now dressed in his own hunting attire (sans his rifle), got off and stepped out into the dirt road. He looked around, and saw that his chauffeur was right. The limousine was too big to enter the thick forest. How was he going to follow the jaguar now—?

Of course! The jaguar was still on his bicycle, so all he had to do was follow the bicycle's tire tracks! He looked down and gave a "Yes!" when he saw one set of tire tracks snaking into the forest trail. He quickly and quietly followed the tracks, silently admiring his own cleverness. He doubted that the jaguar would get off and carry the bicycle because he would _still_ be able to see his paw prints! Those hunting lessons really paid off, and unlike other hunters he knew, he _learned_ from his mistakes. He would _not_ strike up a conversation or give in to a chase, like he did with Vinnie. As he ventured further and further into the forest, he reached into his hunting vest and pulled out a dart gun.

He would sight him from a distance, and finish him off.

He quivered with anticipation as he walked deeper and deeper into the forest, holding the dart gun up near his head. He would not only skin him alive, but he would also ship his carcass back to Mexico or South America or wherever. Venturing deeper, he walked more and more quietly, looking down at the tire tracks occasionally while stalking ahead, ready to sight him any moment now. Suddenly, he froze as he heard something thump behind him. Swiftly turning around, he aimed his dart gun in the direction of the sound. Holding his breath, he waited for anything to move. Then, there was another thump (UNWARP!), and he reflexively fired at a bush, where the noise apparently came from. A muffled "zing" was all that was heard. He held still again, but didn't hear anything else. After a few moments, he quietly walked to the bush, and examined it. Silently pushing apart some branches, he saw that the dart had hit a branch, and nothing more. Sighing with disappointment, he straightened up and pulled out from his vest another dart to reload his gun. As he did, he turned around—

—and saw two orange eyes looking into his. Two paws suddenly immobilised his wrists.

"Good evening. May I help you?" asked The J.A.M. trying, but failing, to sound like Morgan Freeman. Montana was speechless with fright, and for some reason, he felt his hands start to get numb. The jaguar didn't wait for his reply, so he lowered his ears and continued. "Mister Maximilian, this isn't the first time someone's decided to hunt me. I've had plenty of unpleasant experiences in Mexico, even in the city. So let me tell you a few rules I've learned: never follow your target on a vehicle as conspicuous as your limo; never make four consecutive right turns if your target also does that because you'll only verify that you are _indeed_ following him; and never, _ever_ follow your target when you're upwind after having eaten garlic."

Montana couldn't say anything, much less scream. The jaguar's shirt moved as his fur bristled under it, and his tail began puffing out. And it was now Montana's turn to see the panther's yellow fur acquire a reddish tint. His paws were gripping his wrists so tightly now that it was causing him pain, along with numbness in his fingers. "Mister Maximilian, I didn't come here looking for trouble, but I'm not going to stand still if someone decides to make trouble for me. Oh, and don't bother memorizing the trail. I knew you were following me, so I took another path. My house is nowhere _near_ here. Now, kindly leave this forest, and don't let me catch you here again, because if you come back, I guarantee you that the roles _will_ be reversed. In a forest, whether tropical or deciduous like this one, _I_ am the hunter, and _you_ are the hunted. Don't _ever_ forget that." The J.A.M. bared his teeth at him. His growling resonated in both of their chests. He suddenly released him, and finally Montana screamed as he turned and ran as fast as he could, leaving a dust trail behind him. As he dashed back to his limo (WARP!), he noticed that his hands still felt numb. Glancing down at them, he saw red paw-marks on his wrists—

What happened to his gun and (UNWARP!) dart?

He suddenly realised that the jaguar must have used another trick hold on his wrists to block off blood flow to his fingers, making him drop his gun and dart. Well, no matter. The jaguar was probably headed back to his lair and—

(ZING!)

A sharp pain in his posterior made him scream again and run double-speed. Looking behind him, he saw a dart adhered to his right gluteus maximus—oh no, the jaguar shot him with his own dart! He was going to eat him! Quickly, he yanked the dart out and threw it away. But just as his panic reached astronomical proportions, he noticed the trees starting to thin out. He was near the dirt road now! Good, once he reached his limousine, he would be safe—

And then, it seemed to him as if everything, including him, was turning into molasses. Or, it was as if he was still running at top speed, but in slow motion, which went slower, and slower, and slower. Finally, he left the forest, and with excruciating slowness ran to his limousine. Everything was fading to black now. If he could just—reach—the———door————handle—————

It took him one minute to grab it, and two minutes to open it. As he oozed his way inside, he ordered, with a super-slowed down voice,

"—————Hhhhhoooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmme aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnddd sssssssttteeeeeeeeeeeepp ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt——————" By the time he finished, he had curled into a fœtal position on the seat, and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

The jaguar closed the door, and with relaxed fur, tail, and ears, watched the limousine speed back into the city. He then twirled the gun in his right index digit, and quipped, _"¡No contaba con mi astucia!"

* * *

_

Spanish - English

"No contaba con mi astucia." - "He didn't count on my cleverness."


	6. Tres: Scentmarks And Mystery

TRES - SCENTMARKS AND MYSTERY

The following day, Mary decided to wear her dark blue tank top and jeans. Her ponytail was highlighted by an orange bow this time. She and the rest of the "bit players" met The J.A.M. in the hall of Acme Looniversity.

(UNWARP!)

"Good evening," he said, suddenly appearing behind them. This startled them a trifle, especially Mary, again. "Where were you guys yesterday?" he asked, as they walked/padded down the hall. "Didn't you want to meet at Weenie Burgers?"

His friends remained silent for a moment and some lowered their ears and tails, until Mary sighed and replied, not looking at him, "J.A.M., we 'bit players' can't hang around the 'stars' too often, unless we make them look good. I was there because I sorta expected you to be there, and I guess Calamity wanted to talk to you, too."

"You _can't_ hang around them?" asked the panther, surprised. "Even _after_ school?"

"It's not as if we're being _forced_ to do that," she replied. "It's kind of an unwritten rule. We simply stay back until we're called for. That's how we 'bit players' work."

"What!" he growled, flattening his ears. "But if you don't hang out with them, how else are you supposed to learn how to be funny? Is it because _they_ don't want their looniness rubbing off on you?"

The "bit players" looked at each other for a moment, still with sad features, and sighed again. Lightning squeaked, "J.A.M., dat's just de way teengs are aroun' here. We tried to fight eet, and we coodn't." The jaguar stood still for a moment, now with low features himself, as he saw his friends walk/pad/fly sadly down the hall in front of him, and then splitting off into their morning classes.

The group reunited in Platonic Partners, where things didn't progress as Mary would have liked. Hubie and Bertie were set on having the toons try out new partners.

"Mary," said Hubie. With slight dread, the humanmaid stood and stepped up to the front of the class, wondering whom her partner was going to be this time. And whoever it was, whether male or female, she was sure that she would once again be pushed into the submissive role.

"Elmyra," said Bertie.

Everyone gasped at the professor's choice, except the yutz, who simply replied, "Oooooh! I get to work with Merry Mary!" Everyone laughed while Mary just covered her face with her hands and shook her head. Elmyra happily skipped next to her, and both waited.

"Your topic," stated Hubie, "is that you are roommates, trying to sleep, and there's a leaky faucet in the kitchen. You may begin."

Mary began quickly, lest Elmyra shove her back to submission: "Elmyra, there's a leaky faucet in the kitchen. Get up and go shut it." She wasn't exactly thrilled about working with Elmyra, so she just stood there, looking away from her, arms crossed, and not really getting into any position or mood that said "sleep."

"But Merry Mary, I don't hear anything!" replied the yutz, turning to her. The class laughed, except for a few toons in the back row.

Mary blinked. "_Sure_ you do, Elmyra!" she insisted, turning slightly to look at her. "We're trying to sleep, but we can't because the leak in the kitchen is making a lot of racket because it's one o'clock in the morning." It was taking a lot of effort not to grit her teeth.

"It is?" asked Elmyra, very surprised. "Oh! That must be why the spotty kitty said 'good evening' when he came in to class!"

Mary flinched at this incoherence, ignoring the laughs it made. She quickly turned, uncrossed her arms, and angrily whispered into Elmyra's ear, "Listen, dummy! We're both _acting_! PRETEND it's one o'clock in the morning and PRETEND we're trying to sleep and PRETEND we can't because there's a PRETEND faucet leaking!"

"Oh!" replied the yutz rather loudly. "Okay!"

Hoping that she understood, Mary turned away from her, and began again, "Elmyra, there's a leaky faucet in the kitchen. Get up and go shut it."

The yutz turned to her and asked, "Don't you mean 'pretend' faucet, Merry Mary?"

More laughter ensued as the black humanmaid wiped her face in exasperation and replied through her teeth,

"_Whatever_. Just get up and shut it!"

The white humanmaid nodded and was about to do that, but she stopped and asked again, "But Merry Mary, we're already standing up!"

Mary flinched again and struggled to keep her hands open. The class just laughed and laughed, but Montana's laughter was quite audible above the rest. "JUST GO CLOSE IT!" screamed Mary, stiffening her arms at her sides.

This time Elmyra flinched, so she turned, walked out the door, and closed it behind her. Everyone looked at the door with confusion, including the teachers. Suddenly Elmyra peeked back in and asked, "But where is the pretend kitchen, Merry Mary?"

The laughter that followed wasn't enough to drown out Mary's scream of anger and her declaration, "That's it, I quit!"

Huffing, she stomped back to her desk, followed by Montana's mocking finger and laughter. Elmyra, meanwhile, just stood at the door and said innocently, "But I was just doing what Merry Mary said!"

"Um, Elmyra, just take your seat," said Bertie.

"Looks like Mary isn't so merry after all!" mocked Montana.

Mary fumed as she sat at her desk, arms crossed. She turned her eyes to her right and expected the other "bit players" to go along with the flow.

She turned fully to make sure she was seeing correctly. Neither Calamity nor The J.A.M. nor Lightning nor Beeper nor Sneezer nor Sweetie were laughing? Why was that?

In fact, the mammals had flattened their ears and raised their hackles; the birds had ruffled their feathers and arched their necks, and the carnivores appeared to be growling at Montana.

Before she could ask them anything, Hubie stated, "Well, as you can see, not every combination can work."

"Especially if your partner is an idiot," whispered the panther, just loud enough for Mary to hear. Somehow, she found comfort in that, but she still kept her glare and her arms crossed.

"So, for your homework, we want you to gather in groups and study together tonight, and see for yourself which combinations work best with you, _besides_ that of your best friend."

"Oh, no." sighed Mary.

"Why? What's going on?" asked The J.A.M., quietly.

"Just look, Chilango," signed Beeper. The jaguar looked to the front, and saw that the "stars" had automatically gathered into their groups. Buster, Babs, Plucky, Shirley, Fifi, and Hamton were already standing and discussing where they were going to study. Dizzy, Furrball, Fowlmouth, Elmyra, and a reluctant Montana (being held by a death grip courtesy of Elmyra) formed the next group.

"Whenever a 'group' is called for," explained Mary, "they immediately split off from the rest of us. Sometimes those two groups trade members, but neither feels comfortable working with any of _us_."

The jaguar thought about this, straightened his ears, and stood to face the "bit players." "So? If they don't want us in their groups, well, then they're missing out on talent they _might_ not know exists. We'll form our own group!"

"We always end up doing that, but that really doesn't get us anywhere," replied the humanmaid. "Since we aren't as funny as they are, we tend to always be left behind."

His orange eyes looked at her dark brown ones. "But don't you want things to be different?"

"Of course we do! But how can we change them if we can't change who we are, and much less hang around with them?"

The J.A.M. thought for a moment, and then asked everyone, "Guys, is it written in _stone_ that you _can't_ hang around the 'stars', even after school? That you _have_ to always sit in a corner while they take all the good places? If you can show me where it's written that you _have_ to do that, I'll accept that and sulk with you guys for the rest of the school year."

Every "bit player" looked up at him with surprise, ears straightening on the furry toons.

Sulk?

Is _that_ what they were doing?

Looking at Elmyra and Montana, and still seething because of the way she was humiliated thanks to them, Mary stood up, looked at all her friends, and declared, "You know what, guys? I think we should all meet at Weenie Burgers after school. _Quickly_. As in, the moment the bell rings, we dash there as fast as we can, is that clear?"

The others weren't sure what to make of Mary's sudden take-charge attitude, until The J.A.M. growled, lowering his ears a trifle, "I believe she asked you a question, _compadres_. _I_ will be there as soon as I can. And you?"

Calamity stood and looked at the jaguar's eyes. "I will be there as well," he signed.

"And me," squeaked Lightning, also standing.

"You bet I'll be there, yes I will!" said Sneezer.

"And where he goes, I GO," added Sweetie, giggling.

Only Beeper remained seated, and he shivered when the jaguar's and the coyote's shadows loomed over him. "I can't be there," he signed, looking slightly ashamed and fearful, keeping his head low. "You know I work after school." But he wouldn't look up at them. The J.A.M. turned to Calamity, silently asking for verification of that statement. The canid nodded, and with that, the felid was satisfied, and both carnivores relaxed their features.

Mary Melody smiled. Things would happen differently at Weenie Burgers this afternoon, and for the first time in a long while, she actually had _expectancy._

Finally, she was looking forward to all of them changing the status quo.

Finally, something new and different, and probably _better_, would happen in her life.

The "stars" of Tiny Toons arrived at Weenie Burgers, like they mostly did after school. Buster, as always, led them to their usual booth—

—but suddenly stopped in his tracks, making everyone else pile up into him.

"Hey, what gives?" asked Babs, annoyed, turning sideways a bit.

The buck replied, "Looks like we have a slight setback in our plans for today, guys." He nodded toward their booth, and everyone looked.

The "stars" booth was currently being occupied by Mary, Calamity, Sneezer, Sweetie, Lightning, and The J.A.M. Fuming that their spot had been expropriated, Plucky began stomping toward them, ruffling his feathers and hissing, "Setback? _I'll_ take care of this 'setback'!"

A sudden gloved paw in his chest stopped him. "No, Plucky," said Buster, owner of the gloved paw. "_I'll_ take care of this." He pushed the duck back slightly, and padded to the booth. He looked at the humanmaid, and stated, "Um, Mary, you guys are kinda in our booth."

All the "bit players" turned and looked at him strangely for a moment, and Calamity signed, "_Your_ booth?"

Buster replied sheepishly, lowering his ears. "Well, sure, kinda. It's just that this is where all of us always sit, you know—"

"I didn't know that this restaurant operated with reservations," interrupted the jaguar. Looking at the humanmaid, he asked, "Does it, Miss Melody?"

Mary smiled at him, and then turned to the buck, still smiling, and said, "No, it doesn't. It operates on a first come-first serve basis, unless the policy changed recently, that is. If it did, then we must not have been informed, Buster. After all, we wouldn't want to be rude and just swipe your 'reserved' booth out from under you for no apparent reason."

The lagomorph noticed a certain spark in the hominid's eyes, one that he couldn't quite figure out or identify—

—and one that, for some reason, made him tilt his ears diagonally and back, and take a step back as well.

"You—you're right, Mary. Sorry to bother you guys." He turned to the "stars" and declared, "Let's just take another booth, guy—"

He was suddenly silenced by a green duck who pushed him out of the way, "HA! I _knew_ you wouldn't be able to pull this off! Watch how one _takes charge_, rabbit!"

Mary heard him, unfortunately, as well as the rest, and thusly braced. A green finger was suddenly in her face and its owner quacked, "Hey you usurpers! This is OUR booth! So kindly get lost!"

The mice bristled their fur, Sweetie ruffled her feathers, and the carnivores flattened their ears and growled slightly. The jaguar was about to reply, but Mary beat him to the punch, "Plucky, I don't see your name, nor anyone else's, written anywhere in this booth. Just sit somewhere else, okay?"

"Plucky—"

The duck didn't listen to Buster, and just replied, "Oh? And what do you call that!"

Everyone looked to where he was pointing at, namely, the inner table corner where Calamity was sitting, opposite of the mice and canarymaid, who were beside The J.A.M., who was opposite of Mary, who was beside Calamity. Etched clumsily, and apparently hastily, was the name "Plucky Duck."

"I'd call that property damage, Mister Duck," commented the jaguar. "And I'd hate for the owner of the restaurant to ban you from this place just because you did that."

The duck ignored that and demanded, "Listen, fuzzies!" apparently ignoring Sweetie. "This is the STARS booth and STARS is what you're NOT! Empty this booth NOW or I'm going to—hey, let go of me! Buster, Shirley, what are you doing!"

The toons in question picked up the duck by his wings and carried him to another booth, where the rest were already sitting.

As the "bit players" saw the duck being carried away, demanding to call his lawyer, Mary said, "Well, I'm glad that's over."

"Me too," replied The J.A.M., relaxing his ears and tail fur. "Any more annoyance from that duck and my predator instincts would have kicked in."

Mary looked at him, slightly frightened, "You were about to eat him?"

"Oh, no," he waved that off, "I'd probably would have just chewed him up and spit him out." The "bit players" thought for a moment, and then laughed. "Ducks like him are likely to give me indigestion," he chuckled himself.

"And you can't deny that the look on their faces when they saw we had taken their booth was more than worth the effort of skating like crazy to get here!" added Mary.

"Or pedalling like crazy, and carrying two mice," said The J.A.M.

"Or flying like CRAZY," continued Sweetie.

"Or getting out thirty minutes early because you finished a lab assignment early so your teacher gave you permission to leave early allowing one to walk CALMLY to this place?" The rest looked at Calamity's sign, and laughed again. Mary's day was getting better by the moment, despite the problems this morning.

"Okay," said Lightning. "We're here to deescuss de paireengs and den go to Mery's house to stoddy."

"_Your_ house?" asked The J.A.M.

"Sure. We always meet at my place whenever we have study sessions. Like I told you, I need the company."

The J.A.M. accepted this, and said, "Okay, sounds like a great plan. Now, with the pairings, I seem to work well with Mister Coyote here."

"And I'm surprised we worked smoothly," he signed. "Especially because we've never worked together before."

"Yeah!" said Mary, somewhat fearful and annoyed. "How did you do that? You just waltz in here and get randomly paired up with someone you never met before and suddenly you're making everyone laugh? Why can't **_I_** do that?"

The felid replied, "I may have not worked with him before, but we both _do_ have something in common. We're both familiar with some elements of Mexican comedy, which is where we got our material. The 'non-sequitur' elements were topics we're familiar with and placed in the 'wrong conversation', shall we say. It's really not that difficult. That's _one_ type of pairing too, you know. If you can't do non-sequiturs, maybe you can be a straight man—er—woman. Comedy needs those too, you know."

The humanmaid sighed. "J.A.M., you saw me try that today. I can't even be a decent straight man—er—woman! Or even, why can't I _have_ a straight man, and let _me_ do all the punch lines?"

"But Mary, WEREN'T you a straight man—er—woman, when you got paired WITH MONTY?" asked Sweetie.

"Nope-nope," replied Sneezer. "I don't think that counts because Monty was acting like a villain, as always, yeah."

"See what I mean? I can't even work correctly with a villain. I don't have an actual enemy of my own at all! You mice have Furrball, and Calamity has Beeper, so where does that leave me?"

The jaguar thought and replied, "Switzerland?"

Despite her efforts to frown, she actually chuckled at this response. "Maybe. But just once I'd like to give the bad guy—or girl—what's coming to him or her, and make others laugh by it. Elmyra's too stupid to work with another human, it seems. And do any of _you_ want to be my nemesis?" The other "bit players" looked at each other oddly for a moment, but didn't say anything. "See, J.A.M.? I can't even be paired to work with others! I just don't have any quirks that a nemesis can fight against! I can't generate a conflict at all! And—and I can't do stand up work at all," her face lowered. "I love journalism, and I was hoping to do some crazy newscasts like they do in Saturday Night Live, but then I'd have to depend on other writers. I can't even come up with my own material!" She looked up, angrily, "Why can't I be funny? Why do I have to be so—so—normal!"

The mammals lowered their ears. No one replied for a minute or three, until the panther asked her, "Miss Melody, how much comedy material have you seen?"

She huffed slightly, "Tons. We're in a comedy school, remember?"

"Well, how much of that material can you identify with? What parts of it make you laugh the most?"

She honestly didn't know where this was headed, so she replied, still depressed, "Warner Brothers hasn't worked much with African-Americans in the past. And in this age of political correctness, what little material there is, I do NOT want to identify with it. Sweetie, Sneezer, Calamity, Beeper, and Lightning have a much better chance of succeeding in comedy than I do because they have so much more to work with, AND they have mentors! I'm—I'm going to be stuck as a serious anchorwoman if I can't pull anything off." Her voice faded out, leaving an uncomfortable silence in the booth. She would have cried, but this wasn't the right place to do it in.

"Mary, do you _want_ to be funny?" asked The J.A.M., straightening his ears.

She looked up at him and replied, "Yes."

"Do you think you _can_ be funny?"

"I think so, sure, but I don't know where to start—"

"Then **_I_** think you can be funny. You just need more help than what you've been getting. Watching comedy is where you start, and we will help you find something you can identify with. And if we can't find anything from Warner Brothers, then we'll look at other sources."

The humanmaid blinked at this. "I'm not doing British comedy," she said suddenly.

Another uncomfortable silence, and then everyone said, "Echh!" but Lightning said, _"¡Guácala!"_ and everyone chuckled for a moment, lightening the mood again.

"So you won't," laughed the jaguar. "But we _will_ help bring out the looniness in you, even if the 'stars' don't want to share it. Don't worry, Miss Melody. You'll make it big yet!"

Mary was about to thank him, but suddenly sat back when she heard him growl.

"What?" he asked, wondering why she was scared all of the sudden.

"Why are you angry with me?"

"I'm not—oh, sorry, that was my stomach. Speaking of which—where the bleep is all the food we ordered?"

Mary and the other "bit players" blinked at that statement.

"'Bleep'?" asked Lightning. All became confused for a moment, wondering if the jaguar actually said an expletive and the automatic censor was malfunctioning.

"J.A.M., did you say 'bleep', as in b-l-e-e-p, or did you say something else?" asked Mary.

Seeing their confused faces, he replied, "Oh, I said the word 'bleep', yes, as in 'the sound of a generic electronically generated tone'. I've long since given up cursing, and in moments of stress, I just say 'bleep' to relieve the tension. Everyone else can 'fill in the blank', if they want to."

Mary thought about this, and commented, "Well, that sounds like a good idea. It might even give the WB censors a break."

"True. And in the meantime, I'll go see what's keeping up our order," said the panther. He got up and padded to the counter.

Mary's day was getting more interesting. She had now met a toon that censored himself by saying the onomatopœia of the censorship sounds! It kept things economic and decent, too…

At the bar, meanwhile, Montana was watching the "bit players'" conversation. He then pulled a handkerchief from his pants pocket, and held it to the front of his dress jacket. Slowly, he pulled out from his jacket something that appeared to be a weapon, keeping it covered with his handkerchief. Patiently, he waited for the jaguar to return to the booth with all the food.

The J.A.M. turned his back to him as he set the tray down on the table.

Montana quietly stood, and held out his right arm, his hand still under the handkerchief. In the next second, Montana yanked off the handkerchief, revealing indeed some sort of pistol, aimed, and fired at the felid's back.

"¡PISTOLA!"

A line of dust suddenly shot from where Lightning was sitting, zoomed down the booth, and shot up Montana's leg and torso. Montana then felt something hit his arm, making him point the gun toward the ceiling. The mouse, however, was one second too late. The jaguar had been hit. There were screams everywhere, and Mary, being slower than Lightning, was about to jump on top of the jaguar to shield him, but—

"Oh, man!" The feline turned his head as much as he could, and pulled his t-shirt a bit.

The back of it was splattered with white paint.

And not only his shirt, but also his tail, from where it emerged from under the t-shirt to the tip, was coated with paint. Seeing what happened, the screams died down, but the non-human mammals kept their ears low.

"MONTY, JUST WHAT THE BLEEP DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" screamed Mary, stomping toward him, with her eyes burning.

Montana was about to grab Lightning and throw him off himself, but the mouse was too quick, and he zoomed back to the booth.

Dusting himself off, Montana growled, "What do you care, _peasant_?"

"Peasant" was one word in particular that Mary wasn't exactly fond of, and this she demonstrated by grabbing Montana's shirt and pulling him to her face. _"What did you call me?"_

Being a coward at heart, Montana paled and stood speechless at this display of rage. "Um, nothing." he replied after a moment. "I just wanted to put a homing device on him."

Mary released him and continued, "What do you mean by 'homing device'? Since when is paint a 'homing device'?"

"Yeah," added Sweetie, flying next to Mary. "It's not as if he's going to DRIP until he gets home. And the only 'drip' here SI YOU!"

Montana ignored that insult and scoffed, "The paint is only part of it, bird brain! Watch!"

Suddenly, Mary realised what Montana had done. She quickly turned and began running back to the booth while she shouted, "J.A.M.! Go rinse off imme—!"

Her warning was rudely cut off when she was run over by a purple bundle of libido that dashed across the restaurant toward her target. "OO LA LA!" cooed Fifi. "Ze skunk-'unk AND Lateen Loverr!"

The jaguar turned and said, "I beg your pOOOFF!" He was caught in another crushing embrace, except this time it was furry. The skunkmaid held him in a full-body hug from his left, pinning his arms to his sides. In addition, as her libido rose, so did her scent, now in the form of green smoke. Nearby upholstery and paint began peeling.

"And eet ees ze _spotted_ skunk-'unk, too!" she squealed, kissing his neck. Like most males, The J.A.M. normally wouldn't mind this, if it weren't for the fact that this female in particular smelled like bile, methane, hydrogen sulphide, and athlete's foot combined. Other patrons were now quickly putting more distance between them and the two mammals. Mary frantically scrambled to her feet and also put some distance between her and the carnivores.

The jaguar coughed as he breathed through his mouth, "Ugh! Um, Miss, could you please let go of me?"

She wrapped her fuming tail around him instead as she replied, "Non, mon Lateen Loverr! What do tu say we go to ze Riviera?" and she was kissing his face now.

"French, Spanish, or Mexican? Ha ha ha!" asked Montana, laughing at the jaguar's predicament.

The J.A.M. turned a watery eye toward Calamity, "Are you sure she does this to _everybody_?"

The coyote sighed and signed, "Yup."

With her fumes now reaching intolerable levels, Mary tried to reason with her, "Fifi! He's not a skunk! Monty is using you to get back at him!"

"Ah don't carre!" she growled at her. "'E's mine now and forever!" She looked into his eyes and cooed, "And what do tu say we do, 'ow yoo say, ze cuddleeng, mon amour?"

"Miss—um—Fifi—" he momentarily forgot her last name, "I don't think that's a good—" She kissed his lips to silence him, making him flinch and try to squirm away. Then, one of her paws strayed to his lower ribs.

And she squeezed.

Mary thought she heard the jaguar make a strange noise that sounded like a mix between an "eep" and a roar. There was a sudden whirlwind when she heard that, and when it stopped, she saw Fifi sitting on the floor, dazed, and her fur was all dishevelled. Her bow was torn and hanging limply from her head. One second later, the skunkmaid fell to pieces. Beside the pile of purple cubes, The J.A.M. had his ears flat, hackles raised, tail like a brush, claws extended, fangs bared, and he was breathing heavily. His yellow-orange fur seemed to have turned into a stronger shade of red again.

"Do not," he growled, "kiss me like that again _without_ my permission, _zorrilla_."

Mary, and everyone, gasped at this action, and other mammals lowered their features in fright. _No one_ had ever dared to repel Fifi like that before! She wondered if The J.A.M. had either a short temper, or if, as a Mexican, he didn't know how to repel skunkmaids in the U.S., or if he thought "equal rights" included things like this.

Suddenly, Fifi pulled herself back together, apparently ignoring the jaguar's warning. Still keeping her ears and tail up, she looked at him and cooed, "Oo la la! Ze Lateen Loverr skunk-'unk wants to, 'ow yoo say, play rough?"

He blinked at this. "What did I just say—whoa!" The memphitid pounced on the felid again, but this time, he was ready. He grabbed her neck before she could clamp her arms around him, and once again, he squeezed.

"Kees—moi—mon—Lateen—Lo—" Fifi began fading out.

"He's killing her!" quacked Plucky, again. "He's getting rid of the carnivore competition! Somebody—"

"SHUT UP, PLUCKY!" His quacking was cut off by Mary, Sweetie, Sneezer, and Lightning, while Calamity signed that phrase. Without having enough time to ruffle his feathers, Plucky was stunned, as was Shirley. None of the "bit players" had ever stood up to him, and they even beat Shirley to the punch, too! Meanwhile, The J.A.M. continued to squeeze.

Still angry at the whole thing, Mary turned back to Montana, grabbed his shirt again, and demanded an explanation, "So, Fifi is your 'homing device'!"

The boy stuttered, "S-sure. She s-saved me plenty of money in buying an electronic homing device with a specialised gun! With her scent on him, I'll be able to keep track of him!"

Plucky then stepped up to them and shoved Mary out of the way, nearly making her fall down. "Hey, Monty, pal, that's a great idea! I'm glad I'm not the _only_ one here who's taking precautions!" A brown furless hand suddenly spun him around, and that same hand slapped his beak off his face. Moments later, a lightning bolt, courtesy of Shirley, zapped him to ashes once more. A sign then rose from the pile of ashes, and it read, "You saw what he did to Fifi! Read his mind and tell me if I'm wrong!"

Shirley's eyes widened at this. She was just as stunned as everyone else when The J.A.M. did the Feline Defence Spin on Fifi, and it was because of his retaliation that she was now beginning to have doubts about the jaguar. Her zapping Plucky was more out of reflex, but suddenly, she wasn't sure of anything right now. She turned to The J.A.M. and Fifi again, and saw that he was leaning down, gently placing Fifi's head on the floor, as she kept getting increasingly limp. After one minute, the skunkmaid was out cold. Quickly taking advantage of his distraction, Shirley closed her eyes, held one wing toward him, and chanted, "Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwha—huh?" She opened her eyes and looked strangely at the two carnivores. She closed her eyes again, held _both_ wings toward them and chanted more emphatically, _"Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhataloon—"_ Something was wrong. She could sense Fifi just fine, but The J.A.M.—The J.A.M.—

The jaguar straightened up, relaxed his features, and looked at the loon hen, who was looking back at him with a completely bewildered expression. "What?" he asked.

The avian didn't reply. She just stood there with her beak open, wings in front of her, trying to figure out what she had just sensed.

Seeing that he wasn't going to get any answers from her, he decided to ignore her. Bending down again, he picked up Fifi from the floor.

"What are you doing now?" asked Mary, wondering what had just come over Shirley.

"Getting her out of everyone's way. I just can't leave her on the floor, right?"

Mary calmed down a trifle when she saw her friend gently place Fifi in one of the now empty booths, laying her down on the seat. He picked up her tail and covered her body with it. Satisfied, he straightened up, sighed, and coughed for several moments. Looking down at himself, he lowered his ears and growled when he saw green smoke faintly emanating from himself. "Oh, this is just great. _Another_ shirt ruined!" Annoyed, he pulled it off.

At this point, Mary had a lot on her mind: Montana's prank, The J.A.M.'s repelling of Fifi, Fifi's condition, and Shirley's confusion. When she saw him begin to pull off his shirt, however, her train of thought halted and she raised one eyebrow, but then realised that he was a nekkid toon under that t-shirt of his, like Fifi, Furrball, Calamity, and several others were.

Then her eyes widened as she nearly did a take worthy of Tex Avery.

He wasn't completely clothes-free, though. Under his shirt he had strapped on his waist a black leather kangaroo pouch, which read "B'klyn" on the front. The pouch was shifted slightly to his left side so as not to make his gut more pronounced than it already was. He was neither muscular nor fat, but more of a mix of both, a "corpulent" toon, tending slightly toward a mild barrel shape. He had a white abdomen, like most furry toons, though there were a few spots on the white areas as well. For Mary, there was suddenly something about him that Elmyra and Fifi must have noticed earlier. Realising she was gawking at him, she turned away and was about to ask Shirley something. When she did, she noticed that, strangely to her, no other female was gawking at the panther, and all the other patrons returned to their own business. Sweetie even flew behind her, pulled out a small dust brush, and swept off Fifi's pawprints that Mary had on her back.

"Um, thanks, Sweetie—" Did Mary notice something that everyone else was ignoring? Her eyes followed the jaguar as he took his stained and skunked t-shirt and dropped it inside a trashcan. He looked down, zipped open his pouch, and pulled out what appeared to be another black t-shirt, but then stopped when he coughed again.

_"Rayos,"_ he realised. "I still have her scent on me! I'll have to put this on after I get home and somehow shower off!" He stuffed the new shirt back into the pouch, and zipped it closed. He then turned to Mary and said, "Well, it looks like I won't be able to—(COUGH!)—study with you guys tonight. I'll see you all tomorrow." He turned to the others and repeated, _"Nos vemos mañana."_ He then turned to Montana and growled, "And I just hope you're satisfied with this prank. Normally I'm not the vengeful type, but you'd better think twice before you try anything else." He looked down at Plucky, still in ashes, sighed, and said nothing. Turning back to Mary, he saluted, "Until next time, remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening." With that, he (WARP!) disappeared from sight, and the door slowly closed by itself.

Once he had left, Montana greedily rubbed his hands together and proceeded to leave the restaurant. And he would have, except that Mary suddenly stood in his way. "And where do you think _you're_ going?"

This time, no girl was going to stand in his way. "None of your beeswax, girl," he hissed at her. Before she could do anything, he pushed her out of the way and ran out of the restaurant.

She was about to run after him, when she suddenly thought of something. She turned to Calamity and the others and asked, "He's not actually thinking of _following_ him, is he? If he was too cheap to buy a _real_ homing device, then he wouldn't have any way of tracking him, and The J.A.M.'s too quick for him to follow on foot!"

"And J.A.M. leeves een de forest," added Lightning. "Eef Monty follows on hees leemo, he won't be able to follow heem dere."

Sweetie asked, "So why would Monty want to use Fifi as a homing devise if she's out cold and can't FOLLOW HIM ANYWAY?"

Suddenly, Calamity gasped and flattened his ears, holding his head with his paws.

"What?" asked Sweetie.

The canine signed, "Montana CAN track The J.A.M.! He didn't need Fifi to follow him, he just needed HER SCENT!"

"Wait," said Sneezer. "What do you mean by that, huh-huh?"

Calamity continued, "Even without his shirt, Fifi managed to skunk him really good. He'll be leaving a trail of skunk scent that ANYONE can follow!"

Mary stood back at this. Looking closer at the air around them, she and everyone else noticed a very faint trail of green smoke that went out the door.

"Oh my—looks like he _did_ save a lot of money!" Then, she turned to the toons and exclaimed, "We've got to stop him! If he tracks The J.A.M. back to his lair, there's no telling what _either_ of them will do!" She wasn't sure who she was more worried about at this point, but that was irrelevant right now.

"Bott how do we get reed of de skonk scent trail?" asked Lightning, lowering his ears in panic. "We wood need a lot of tomato jooce to fight eet!"

Calamity added, "And even if we _did_ have it, getting the materials to spray it would take too long! We'd need a high-powered blast to disperse Fifi's scent!" Calamity put his sign down, and suddenly, a light bulb appeared over his head and between his ears that suddenly perked up again. Slowly, he looked down at Sneezer. Moments later, everyone else also looked down at the young mouse.

Mary suddenly squealed, "Of course! Lightning, take Sneezer and follow Monty. When you catch up with him, Sneezer, blast the scent trail, and Monty too, if you can!"

"But The J.A.M. will STILL be leaving a trail wherever he goes for A WHILE NOW," said Sweetie. "Monty will STILL be able to track him if he wises up and gets REAL equipment this time, or if he gets Arnold to follow THE SCENT!"

Mary thought about this, and replied, "Hmm, then we can't risk The J.A.M. going home today. Say, Calamity, Beeper's working tonight, right?"

"Mostly every night, yes," he signed.

Mary smiled and pulled out her cell phone, "I think that The J.A.M. could use a pizza right now, and so could we. Lightning, Sneezer, what are you still doing here? GO!"

_"¡Sí!"_

"Right!" The mice straightened their ears, and Lightning grabbed Sneezer's paw. Mary was about to open the door for them and call Bombino's Pizza, but just as she reached for the door, a white wing gently grabbed her arm, stopping her. Mary suddenly turned and saw Shirley.

The loon hen was looking at her with a somewhat frightened expression, and a few ruffled feathers.

"Shirley? What's going on?"

The avianmaid sighed with a slight shiver, and replied, "Uh, like, Mary, I think it would be best if, like, you left The J.A.M. and Monty to their own devices. The J.A.M. can, like, defend himself very well against Monty, er sum junk." Mechanically, she then picked up Plucky's beak from where it landed across the restaurant, took a glass of water from a table, walked up to Plucky's ashes, dropped the beak on them, and emptied the glass on them as well.

The mallard reconstituted himself instantly, and the moment he did, he quacked, still with ruffled feathers, "Oh! So you agree with me, then?"

The loon hen glared at him. "No. I mean—I, like, don't know whom to agree with right now. I didn't, like, sense any bad vibes from him, but when I, like, tried to read his mind, I—" Shirley trailed off and sat down, still in apparent shock.

"What's the problem?" signed Calamity.

Shirley looked up at everyone, sighed, and began, "Well, like, normally, when I read someone's mind, their thoughts come to me loud and clear, as if they, like, were speaking out loud, er sum junk, unless there is, like, something wrong with them, er sum junk, like, Elmyra."

"What about Elmyra?" asked Mary.

"Well, like, since she's like, a total airhead, er sum junk, when I read her mind it's like getting static on a TV, er sum junk."

"Because she doesn't have A MIND," said Sweetie.

"Yes. When I tried to focus on The J.A.M. just now, I—I—"

"You got nothing as well?" asked Plucky.

"No way!" exclaimed Mary. "If he didn't have a mind, he would be an airhead too!"

"I, like, never said he didn't have a mind!" interrupted the loon hen, frowning. "When I, like, tried to read his mind, I—I—um—" She closed her eyes and held her wings to her head again, trying to re-centre herself and find the words to explain what she detected. "Um, okay, like, Plucky, do you know what you get when you, like, try to tune in to a cable channel you aren't subscribed to?"

The mallard thought for a moment, and replied, "Yeah, I get a scrambled signal."

"And, like, what do you _see_ in that scrambled signal?"

"Well, just a bunch of distorted images and sound. Sometimes I just get sound, or sound with static noise."

"But you, like, never get _only_ static, er sum junk, right?"

"No. Static means it's an empty channel. A scrambled signal means that the channel is _there_ but you haven't paid for it."

"So, like, that's more or less what I got. The J.A.M. didn't broadcast static. His thoughts were—were—" She closed her eyes again and shook her head, beginning to sweat. Her neck would not straighten.

Mary put her hand on her shoulder and asked gently, but with slight worry. "Shirley, his thoughts were what?"

"Like, I don't know how he did it, but his thoughts were, like, _scrambled_, er sum junk! The images were, like, so distorted that I couldn't, like, decipher them. I couldn't, like, even tell if he was, like, thinking in English or Spanish, er sum junk! Like, I've never sensed a mind like that before! And, like, none of my new age guides or books, like, mention anything on thought scrambling or encryption! There are, like, some methods of mental blockage to, like, prevent other telepaths from, like, reading your mind, but if, like, _that_ had happened, I, like, would have encountered something like a _wall_, er sum junk! And I _know_ that, like, The J.A.M. is not a telepath!"

"So he's not a telepath, but he scrambles his own thoughts?" asked Mary, now getting as bewildered as everyone else was, especially when she remembered what the jaguar said about avoiding anything that had to do with mental powers.

"No," huffed the loon hen. Mary, and everyone, turned to her and looked as if she had just declared that she was a fish. "The J.A.M. wasn't doing it. I, like, doubt he was even conscious of it, because, like, he didn't even detect _me_ trying to, like, read his mind, er sum junk! Someone, or something, is, like, scrambling his thoughts! Someone or something with a _much_ higher power than mine!" At this statement, everyone stood completely still.

And scared.

Ears laid low and tails were tucked in.

Until, that is, Mary asked, "But, you said he _wasn't_ aware of that happening to him. That means _he doesn't know_ it's happening?"

Blue eyes looked at brown eyes for a moment, and Shirley replied, "I don't know. Either he, like, doesn't know that he's being protected by, like, a Higher Power, or he _does_, but, like, he just puts that info in, like, the back of his head, er sum junk, like, you know you have hair, but you, like, don't think about it all day, er sum junk."

Plucky stated, "So, not only is he a predator, but he's also a freak? Well, all the more reason to get rid of him! I hope Monty—"

"Like, Plucky, that's getting really old, er sum junk. But from what I sensed, it's obvious that The J.A.M. is, like, being protected, er sum junk, so I suggest that you, like, get off his case." She turned back to Mary and finished, "That's why I, like, think you should leave him alone, or like, not interfere with this, er sum junk. Monty, like, has little chance against him." All the "bit players" looked at themselves. Just _who_ or _what_ had come from Mexico?

"Oo la la! Zat was somm dreem!" Mary and the rest turned and saw Fifi stir from her artificially induced slumber. Mary then looked at the door and thought about what Montana had done, and what The J.A.M. had done. Sure, the jaguar had defended himself from Elmyra and Fifi, but that was _after_ they attacked. The J.A.M. didn't sense Monty, or the others, about to attack because, as Shirley said, he wasn't a telepath, much less a Jedi. But even then, there was no outside protection from the attacks, and he didn't retaliate until _after_ he was hit. Could it be that this whole "encryption" was just in his thoughts, and not the rest of him? And how did this fit in with him _avoiding_ anything that dealt with mental powers? At that point, she noticed that Lightning and Sneezer were looking at her, awaiting a command. She also saw that she still had her thumb on the speed dial button on her cell phone.

Was her new friend _completely_ invulnerable, or did that only apply to his thoughts?

Montana was happily walking briskly down the street, following the green smoke trail. What the other fools didn't know was that under his jacket he had a new dart pistol, loaded and ready. All he had to do was follow the jaguar until he reached his lair, and there he would shoot him, skin him, and ship him back to Mexico. And since there was little wind today, the smoke trail would linger for a while, allowing him to catch up with him at his own pace. Just then, however, something caught up with him.

**_"¡HIJOLE!"_**

The human screamed and jumped ten metres up in the air. On the sidewalk, Lightning and Sneezer looked at the flying boy as he ascended above them.

"Yeah, very good, Lightning!" said Sneezer.

_"Gracias,"_ he replied, "Now, for joor part!" Lightning pulled out a small peppershaker, and carefully sprinkled a little pepper on Sneezer's nose. Immediately, he zoomed to a storm drain and took shelter, flattening his ears as much as he could.

"Ah—ahhhhhhhhhhhh—" Just as Montana came down, there came a very explosive, "CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Montana screamed again as he was blown away in the direction he came from. The sneeze blast also dispersed the scent trail for nearly a kilometre. Sneezer sniffled again as Lightning zoomed back next to him.

"And very good, Sneezer!"

"Um, 'gracious', I think," giggled the younger mouse.

"Closs enough. Now comm on! We have to get reed of de rest of de trail!" Lightning grabbed Sneezer's paw and zoomed off, barely giving him time to hold on to his diaper. About a minute later, another sneeze blast exploded in the distance…

The jaguar turned right, off the pavement onto a dirt trail that led into Acme Forest. He thought he heard Sneezer a while back and wondered what allergy had triggered his sneeze blasts now. He was just about to reach the first tree of the forest when suddenly something blocked his path. Reflexively, he clamped the paw-brakes closed and his bicycle skidded a good three metres before stopping. He put one foot-paw down as a small dust cloud floated past both him and the sudden obstacle. Taking a closer look, he saw that he had stopped with the front tire barely touching Little Beeper's foot. Seeing who he was, however, brought him to the defensive.

_"¿Qué quieres?"_ he asked, nearly growling, flattening his ears and puffing his tail and hackles.

Beeper, in his pizza delivery outfit, and holding a pizza box, calmly held up a sign, _"Entrega de pizza para ti, Chilango."_

The jaguar sat back, suspicious. _"¿Qué¡Yo no pedí ninguna pizza!"_

Beeper just signed again_, "Es una entrega especial. Tu muy querida amiga pagó por la pizza. __Tómala como un favor de ella."_

_"¿Favor?"_ It seemed strange to him that Mary would want to do him a favour—Mary? _"¿Cuál amiga?"_ he asked with a raised eyebrow, even more suspicious.

_"Pues te daré una pista. No fue ni Elmyra, ni Babs, ni Shirley, ni Fifi, ni Sweetie."_ That just left Mary, then, _if_ Beeper was telling the truth. He carefully took the pizza, and when he did, Beeper signed, _"Nos vemos esta noche."_ And with a high-pitched "beep beep", the young roadrunner zoomed back into Acme Acres.

The jaguar was about to open the pizza box, when suddenly he realised something. He turned and shouted, _"¡Espérate¿Cómo que 'esta noche'¿¡De qué hablas?"_ But Beeper was already out of range. Why did the roadrunner say that he was going to see him later that night? He turned forward again and was about to open the box, but then became wary of it. He slowly brought it to his face, and sniffed carefully. Hmm, beef and tomatoes, nice choice. No other scent was coming from it, though. He listened carefully, but there was no ticking or humming that would indicate a timer of any sort. Holding it away from him, he turned the box around, and opened it very slowly, so that the pizza was facing away from him. He put both foot-paws on the ground now and was ready to warp at any moment, but once he had opened the box fully, nothing happened. He shook the box a little, and still nothing happened. Slowly, he turned the box around, still expecting something to jump out of it, or explode. Sure, Beeper was a Mexican, but his initial comments had seriously taxed his confidence in him. Finally, he saw the pizza. Sniffing more carefully again, he didn't detect gunpowder, itching powder, sneezing powder, hiccup powder, or laxatives. He sighed in relief, finally realising that it _was_ from Mary and that Beeper had _not_ tampered with it. That was a first for him, since in Mexico—

He stopped that line of thought because he didn't want to get depressed again. He took a slice out of the pizza, looked under it, and seeing that it was safe, began eating it, relaxing his ears and fur. It was then that he saw the note taped on the inside of the lid. Carefully placing the box on top of the handlebars and front basket, he removed the note.

J.A.M.:

Monty's plan was to use Fifi to mark you with her scent so he could track you to your house. We took care of him, but don't go to your house tonight. Here's the address to my apartment. It looks like we'll study after all with the rest of the guys, and we'll also see if we can get that scent off you. In the meantime, enjoy the pizza.

Until next time, remember:

I am Mary Melody:)

The jaguar read the address and then sniffed the note, but couldn't pinpoint Mary's scent, due to the strength of the pizza vapours. Looking back, expecting to see Montana, he saw instead a faint green smoke that seemed to follow him from the city, with a few gaps where Beeper had run across it. Well, he certainly saw the favour Mary had done him. Perhaps he _would_ make some good friends here after all.

He carefully set the box so it wouldn't fall off the basket, sat on the bicycle again, and began pedalling. He then went around a tree, and headed back into Acme Acres.

* * *

Spanish - English

Compadre - "Friend", literally: "co-father", originally the witness in a baby's baptism, usually the father's best friend, sometimes used sarcastically.

Guácala - Yuck

Pistola - Pistol, gun

Zorrilla - Female skunk

Rayos - Literally: "rays" or "lightning". Mild expletive, closest equivalent to "darn" or "heck"

"Nos vemos mañana." - "See you tomorrow."

"¡Híjole!" - Similar to "Yeeha!" also used when the speaker is shocked or surprised

Gracias - Thanks

"¿Qué quieres?" - "What do you want?"

"Entrega de pizza para ti, Chilango." - "Pizza delivery for you, Chilango."

"¿Qué¡Yo no pedí ninguna pizza!" - "What? I didn't order any pizza!"

"Es una entrega especial. Tu muy querida amiga pagó por la pizza. Tómala como un favor de ella." - "It's a special delivery. Your very special friend paid for the pizza. Take it as a favour from her."

"¿_Cuál_ amiga?" - "_Which_ friend?"

"Pues te daré una pista. No fue ni Elmyra, ni Babs, ni Shirley, ni Fifi, ni Sweetie." - "Well, I'll give you a clue. It was neither Elmyra, nor Babs, nor Shirley, nor Fifi, nor Sweetie."

"Nos vemos esta noche." - "See you tonight."

"¡Espérate¿Cómo que 'esta noche'¿¡De qué hablas?" - "Wait! What do you mean 'tonight'? What are you talking about?"


	7. Cuatro: A Hard Days Night

CUATRO - A HARD DAY'S NIGHT

Calamity carried several jumbo-size tomato juice cans, all of them empty, out of Mary's apartment. In the bathroom, The J.A.M. was towelling off as best as he could, which wasn't an easy task. Human towels were much thinner than furry towels were. Satisfied with what he could do with what he had, he pulled out a new t-shirt from his kangaroo pouch, pulled it over himself, pawed down his fur as best as he could, and padded out to the dining room, where the rest were studying. They looked up from the table, acknowledged him, and returned to their books, but Mary continued to look. With his fur slightly dishevelled, he had a more feral look about him.

"Where's all your cleaning stuff?"

His question snapped her out of whatever had her fixed on him, and she stuttered, "Um—uh—in the kitchen. Why?"

"Well, I can't leave your bathroom in the mess it's in, can I?"

Mary thought for a moment, and replied, "Uh, just forget it, J.A.M. We have studying to do, and with all you've been through, well, I'll take care of it. Don't worry."

The jaguar sat in front of her and smiled, "Well, thanks anyway, Miss Melody. I really appreciate it. You, and all of you guys."

Calamity came back and signed, "I de-scented your bike, too. It's all clean now."

The jaguar sighed, "Speaking of scents, has anyone ever worried about Miss—um—about that skunk girl?"

"You mean FIFI?" asked Sweetie.

"Yes. If she jumps on anyone who has a white stripe on their back, regardless of species—"

"And gender, yup-yup." added Sneezer.

_"Gender?"_ asked The J.A.M., raising an eyebrow and lowering his ears in slight shock.

Mary explained, "Sure. But _those_ incidents are quietly swept under the rug by the WB execs. Too risqué for them, I guess. Sure, it was funny when Pepe LePew confused a male cat for a female skunk, but Fifi's confusion is more worrisome than funny."

"But has anyone _told_ her that her behaviour isn't normal?"

Calamity signed, also lowering his ears, "We've tried. Trust us."

"And she has never _seen_ herself do this?"

"Seen herself?" signed Beeper, his shift having finished an hour ago.

"Yeah. Show her a recording of her confusion moments. Or does she _know_ what she's doing?"

Mary thought for a moment, and replied, "I guess that the WB thinks it's funny the way she is now. Some guys, including Calamity and Beeper here, have complained, but it seems that the complaints fall on deaf ears."

"But she could have a serious problem! Isn't anyone worried about that?"

Mary replied again, "She's one of the 'stars' of Tiny Toons. 'They' can take care of themselves. We 'bit players' have to stick together as well, like we did earlier. Don't worry about her, J.A.M. That's as normal as you'll find her in this loony world."

It was slight, but the jaguar sensed some resentment and anger in the humanmaid's voice. He looked at the others, and saw that none of them were smiling, but instead had a rather sad expressions and low features, with bits of anger and resentment too, that clearly showed that they agreed with Mary. The J.A.M. thought it best to drop the subject and continue studying.

Later, books were strewn all over the table, as well as notebooks, pencils, pens, and one bowl of peanut M&M's, courtesy of the felid.

"It looks like I'm a fifth wheel," sighed Mary, flipping a book closed.

The jaguar looked at her with slight confusion. "And the other four wheels would be what—?—oh, wait, never mind, I get it. You think you're superfluous?"

"That's basically what 'fifth wheel' means, J.A.M.," signed the canid.

"Yes. Think about it. Sweetie and Sneezer worked perfectly with Furrball as predator and prey, and Lightning could have done that too. Calamity and Beeper are also perfect predator and prey. You, J.A.M., as a predator, could work with either of them, or you could pair up with Calamity, Furrball, or even Arnold and do a multiple predator/prey combination. And even when you remain platonic, you and Calamity are smart enough to flow with each other. Sweetie and Sneezer are the same size so they could do any variation, and Lightning could join either of them and also try any combination. Beeper and Lightning could work with no problem, and Sweetie would have no problems with Beeper because they're both birds! I think that even Calamity could pair up with Sweetie by having her mess up his experiments!"

"Like Pinky and THE BRAIN?" asked the canarymaid.

"Not quite. Page 130 explains how you could fit in."

The pink avian turned to the page in question, read it, and asked, "A NAÏVE assistant?"

"You'd be perfect for it," continued Mary. "And I'm sure anyone else here could do that too. And I'm left as—as—" She sought for a word to describe herself, "—an irrelevant owner! Would anything have been different if the only thing anyone ever saw of me was my legs?" Everytoon looked at each other, and then the males looked at each other.

"Well, Mery," replied Lightning, raising his ears, "Joo wood haff donn de guys a favor eef joo only worr skerts." Mary looked at the Mexican mouse, and ten seconds later everyone laughed at this spontaneous joke, and ears were raised again.

She chuckled, "Thanks, Lightning. It's nice of you to make me feel wanted." She calmed down a moment, and continued, "But do you guys see what my problem is? I'm a human! If I were an animal toon like you guys I would have _something_ about me that I could use as a running gag. Sure, I work well as your owner, and perhaps I would do a great zookeeper if I had to do more with Calamity, Beeper, and J.A.M., but how could I do any platonic combos? None of you have a personality parallel to mine, none of you are my siblings, and the only other female here is Sweetie!"

"Haven't you tried working with the other females?" asked the panther. Everyone sighed at this question, and the males lowered their ears again.

"Yes," she whispered angrily. "And the personalities of Babs, Shirley, and Fifi are so _dominant_ that I'm practically thrown in the dark. That, and remember, they're the 'stars'. I'm so NORMAL I just don't fit in anywhere, except as the straight-woman or the voice of reason! And you _know_ what little use of reason there is around here! Any partner I get would make me the victim of all the jokes!"

The J.A.M. lowered his head and replied, "Sorry I asked. But if you can't find a partner at all, why don't you try solo? You know, maybe you against looniness?"

"Me against looniness?"

"Yes. Logic against illogic. Reason against nonsense. Ever see 'Yellow Submarine'?"

"With the Beatles? That would work, but then, wouldn't that throw me back with 'Porky in Wackyland'?"

"Yeah! Professor Porky was also the voice of reason most of the time, yes he was," added Sneezer. "He was Daffy's sidekick as well, yup-yup."

"Then that leaves me with Monty as my partner," she huffed, crossing her arms in anger. "And we're back to square one. I just can't find where I fit in this world. It looks like wacky newscasts is the only place I'll ever succeed in. And I can't even come up with material for that! _That_ is why I'm thinking of transferring!"

Features drooped again, and everytoon remained silent for a while, until the panther spoke, "So you've seen all the material, and you can't identify with any of it?"

"With _some_ of it, but none of that is any good," she sighed.

"Then you need to look for material in other places, true. But don't transfer yet. I'm sure that there is something out there that you can identify with. Perhaps not with the Warner Brothers or British comedy, but you don't need to transfer to use other material, do you?"

Mary sighed, "No, I guess not."

"Then we'll help you look. Anything that you might grab on to, we'll help you find it."

"Thanks," she said, without much enthusiasm. "But it's just so frustrating to want to do something and being powerless to do it." With that, the humanmaid spoke no more.

It was 21:30 when the "bit players" left Mary's apartment, except for Sweetie, who returned to her cage in Mary's room. The humanmaid closed the front door and was about to clean the dining room, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. She opened it again, and saw her feline friend still there.

"J.A.M.?"

"Could I ask you one last thing before I leave? I didn't want the others to hear it because there was a chance that they might have been offended by it."

Mary wondered about this request, but heard herself reply, "Sure. Come in."

"Oh, it will be quick. I'll just stay here." She didn't know why but she felt a tad disappointed at that reply. "Miss Melody, what did you mean earlier when you said that the 'stars' could take care of themselves?"

The humanmaid sighed, looked into his orange eyes, and replied, "J.A.M., I mean just that. The 'stars' of Tiny Toons are much better off than we are. Whether they're good guys or bad guys, they have everything at their disposal, even greater attention by the Looniversity faculty. If Fifi finally wises up and realises that there might be something wrong with her, she has the entire medical staff at her beck and call. We 'bit players' are generally ignored. They ignore us unless they need supporting characters to make them look good, and we're not just talking about Plucky. They're not egotistical like he is, but whatever they want, they get, mostly with our help. They call us their 'friends', but you'd be surprised at how little they know about us. And what they _do_ know about us is mostly for their convenience. For instance, _none_ of the 'stars' know that Sneezer and Sweetie are dating."

The J.A.M. raised an eyebrow and lowered one ear at this. "He's still in diapers, and he's dating?"

Mary quickly brushed that aside, "He has an incontinence problem and both _are_ in school, but again, only _we_ know about that. If the 'stars' were _true_ friends, they would have known about this long ago. Again, they call us 'friends', but it seems that for them, a 'friend' is anyone who isn't a downright villain or a psychotic fan. But we 'friends' get _walked on_ by them, as you saw this afternoon." She then brushed off a spot on her shoulder that Sweetie missed earlier. "Even Babs and Buster wouldn't hesitate to walk over us. In fact, they did just that several months ago. They call Sneezer their 'friend', but they really consider him a disposable character. That was proven one day when Steven Spielberg himself called them in the middle of taping a show to give them an earful—and you know how big rabbit ears are—of what they were doing wrong. Those two refused to take the call, so they called Sneezer to take it. He didn't know it was Steve, hence, he didn't know he was the sacrificial lamb. The moment Sneezer took the call he got the cruel and harsh reprimand that Steven had prepared for the hosts of his show."

When he heard this, the jaguar's yellow fur bristled and turned slightly red again, "What?" he growled, flattening both ears now and flashing his fangs. "Didn't anyone DO something about that!"

Mary sighed again, "Sure. Once Steve hung up, Sneezer got angry at the bunnies, but sneezed himself off the set before he could do anything about it. We saw him crying shortly after that, and he told us what happened. We got together, went to Steve and told him everything, and he gave Sneezer a mild apology, but didn't take back what he said because 'a Tiny Toon is a Tiny Toon,' he said. That was actually more than we expected from Steve, though. We tried to make the most of it by taking the reprimand as constructive criticism and using what Steve said was wrong to improve our performances. That's why we 'bit players' must take care of each other. We wouldn't be able to survive otherwise." The humanmaid sighed again, and finished, "Not all of them are like that, of course. There are a few toons who are 'in the middle', like Furrball and Shirley. Bookworm is just part of the Library Staff, and Concord is getting his pre-med. Fowlmouth cusses openly a lot so no one wants to be near him at all, and Vinnie just takes care of his herd. Still, even with our improvements, we always get overlooked."

The J.A.M. looked at her for a moment, calmed down, smoothed down his fur, kept his ears low, and said, "I—I'm sorry. I didn't know this ran so deep among all of you."

"Lightning feels worse. One hundred episodes, an _established_ mentor, and all anyone ever saw of him was a still picture. He was even rejected when the 'stars' went to Baja for an episode where coyotes oppressed a town of mice. Professor Gonzales was more furious than anyone had ever seen him before, but even his influences were no good. I guess that 'political correctness' got in the way. Sneezer is kinda on the opposite situation. His mentor, Professor Sniffles, a 'bit player' himself compared to the rest of the staff, couldn't get into the show, perhaps because he remained young. And it goes on and on." Mary sighed with frustration.

The J.A.M. thought some more, and asked, "So basically, you need all the help you can get?"

"And more."

"Well, if that's the case, do you think I could hang out with you guys? That way, you'd have another predator on your side, with warping abilities! With my warps, Mister Coyote's brain, Mister Beeper's super speed, and Mister Sneezer's blasts, we'll have more power than Mademoiselle LaFume and—and—what was the loon's name again?"

"Shirley."

"Shirley, right. Sorry, for some reason I have problems remembering some names."

Mary was stunned for a moment, but finally replied, "Hey, I'd—we'd love to have you on board, J.A.M.!" She saw his ears straighten up, and she smiled at this, but then, suddenly remembering what Shirley had found out, she felt just a tad scared, and it showed on her face.

"What?" he asked, lowering his ears again.

Mary looked at him and saw that he wanted to shake her hand. She snapped out of her fear and took his furry paw, but she shivered anyway.

"Oh, um, nothing," she stuttered, releasing his paw. Perhaps, if he _did_ have some unknown protection, the "bit players" would have that on their side as well.

The J.A.M. could smell fear, however. "I'm scaring you, aren't I?"

She was stunned once again. Did he read her mind? "Uh—no—that is—not really—I—I—"

"It's okay. It's not the first time I smell adrenaline coming from someone." Oh, that explains it. "And as a predator, I sorta got used to it by now. But don't worry, Miss Melody. I'm actually very peaceful and the only 'hunting' I do is when I'm buying food or candy. That, and if I feel I'm being hunted myself."

"Huh?"

"Well, yesterday I caught—caught—oh, what was his name?"

"Montana?"

"Montana," he nodded, "trying to follow me to my house. I gave him a warning that if he ever tried hunting me like that in the forest, I would have the advantage there and it would be a piece of cake for me to switch roles on him, so _he_ would become the prey. It looks like he decided to try a slightly indirect approach today, but thanks to you guys, you saved his hide."

"We did?" She wondered how that was even remotely possible.

"Yes. If he had found my house and tried to break in, my territorial instincts might have left him as a pulp. But don't worry. I don't have any plans on eating him." Adrenaline was still coming from her, however, and it was keeping his ears low. "It's my Feline Defence Spin, isn't it?"

"Yes." That was only part of what was scaring her, though. "Elmyra kinda deserved it, and everyone was glad you did that, but when you did it to Fifi—um—well—"

It was the jaguar's turn to sigh. "Look, I won't say I'm proud of what I did. But I've been raised with a particular set of ethics, and Mademoiselle LaFume—well—she kinda clashed against that. Combined with her inability to reason, I doubt I could have stopped myself." Hmm, another snag here.

"Strange, Calamity is a predator and he controls his temper rather well."

"Miss Melody, it's more than just temper. The way Fifi moved her paws around, she—um—kinda—triggered a—um—'reflex reaction'."

"Reflex?" she asked, wondering if she was judging him too quickly.

"It's a long story. But normally I don't fly off the deep end like that. I—I hope you don't fear me because of what you saw."

"Well, J.A.M., it's kinda hard not to. You're the first one _ever_ to do an FDS on Fifi!"

"I am? Well, I'd better apologise to her tomorrow then. And please don't be afraid of me. It really does take a lot to make me lose my temper. Even getting angry is a bit of a stretch for me, but if I ever do, it will be for a good reason, like if someone tries to break into my house, or if I see someone abusing someone weaker."

Mary looked at him, and asked, "Like just now, when I told you what happened to Sneezer?" The jaguar nodded. "Is that why your fur was starting to turn red?"

"Yes. When I get embarrassed, only my black spots turn red. This afternoon I was more annoyed than angry, though. Sometimes instinctive reactions overtake me, but only when I have my guard down. Like when I got here, it took some effort for me _not_ to leave claw marks on your doorpost."

She blinked at this. "Why would you want to leave claw marks on my door post?"

"Instincts. Whenever we jaguars enter new territory, we put claw marks on trees as high as we can reach from the ground. That way, if another jaguar arrives and does the same thing, he or she can see if the other jaguar is bigger or smaller than he or she is, and thus can decide to either not give any trouble, or try to take over. I—kinda did that at the Looniversity, but I don't think anyone noticed, or _will_ notice, unless they're a jaguar as well."

Mary looked at him and sighed. He certainly was considerate enough to give warning signs of his predator instincts and temper, which apparently wouldn't be triggered unless there was either a direct attack on him or if someone was being bullied.

"So, do you think you can trust me?" he asked.

Trust?

She thought for a moment, and replied, "Okay then. But if you do an FDS on me or any of the other 'bit players', I'll _personally_ remove your hide and give it to Elmyra." She was angry, but it was a playful kind of angry, evidenced by her poking his chest to emphasise her words.

He raised his paws and backed off a trifle at this. "Whoa, okay then!" His ears straightened, finally. "By the way, don't bother cleaning your bathroom."

"Huh? Why not?" she asked, suddenly getting annoyed.

"Because I cleaned it when you weren't looking."

"Hey! I told you I'd take care of it!" she exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips.

"Miss Melody, please. If I make a mess, I'll clean it up. And no, I didn't leave claw marks there, either. And that is _another_ reason for you to trust me." They looked at each other's eyes for a while, until the jaguar decided he needed to break away. "Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then. Until ne—"

"Hey, wait!"

"What?" he asked, rather stunned as she was.

She really didn't want him to leave, but she didn't know why. But until she had a perfectly good reason, it would be better if he did. "Um—" Quick! She had to think of something! "I'll—I'll see you to the garage. I have a copy of the key."

"Okay." They walked/padded down the stairs, and Mary opened the garage door. Inside, the jaguar unlocked his bicycle, and pushed it outside. No sooner had he done that when it began to rain. "Drat," he growled. "I _hate_ pedalling in the rain!"

"Well, why don't you stay here then—?" Mary would have covered her own mouth if she wasn't as shocked as she was when she heard her own question.

The J.A.M., meanwhile, just replied. "Oh, I couldn't do that. It's getting late, and we don't know when the rain will stop."

"Oh, it's no problem at all! I mean, my parents are home!" Why was she insisting?

"Miss Melody, it just _wouldn't_ be proper. And I don't even want to think of the rumours that would generate from this."

"Rumours? But nobody has to know!"

"True. But you _know_ that—that—um—that guy—"

"Monty."

"Monty—wants to track me to my house, so he's most probably monitoring this block, and even _more_ because the rain is wiping out the last of the scent trail I left behind. If I don't go home, he'll know I stayed here with you. And parents or no parents, he'll be likely to start a rumour." Drat, he was right. And if Plucky got a hold of it, there's no telling _what_ it might degenerate to. "So, I'd rather get soaked again than ruin your good name. And I doubt you'd want to become famous in that particular manner."

Disappointed again, she agreed, "You—you're right. But I feel terrible about you getting soaked if you can avoid it—hey, you think you could leave your bike here and warp to your house? If Monty's waiting for you to leave on your bicycle, he'll be able to track you and follow the tire tracks in the forest. But if you stay hidden, then he'll be back to square one!"

The jaguar thought for a moment and replied, "Sounds like a good idea, but are you sure I can leave my bike here?"

"As long as you don't block the driveway," she nodded.

"But will it be safe here? I'm a little overprotective, you know. Back in Mexico, Cygmon's predecessor was stolen right off my front porch."

It was the humanmaid's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Cygmon?"

"That's what I call my bike."

Mary looked down at it, and looked closer at the white decals on the frame:

CYGNAL MONTERO

"Oh. Um, sure, it's perfectly safe here. Only the tenants have keys to the garage."

The J.A.M. thought again, and replied, "Very well, then. I trust _you_." For some reason, a shiver ran down Mary's back, and something swelled inside her rib cage when she heard that. A trifle confused, she followed the jaguar back inside and watched as he locked the rear wheel to the frame. Then, he turned to her. "I'll pick it up in the morning. At what time can I come by?"

Mary didn't know why, but she had to do more. "Um, tell you what. Why don't I take it to the Looniversity? That way there won't be a risk of you being late."

The J.A.M. looked at her. "Are you sure? It's a tad heavy."

"Oh, it won't be any problem at all, J.A.M. Besides, you _do_ trust _me_, right?"

He looked at her for a moment again, as something new rose within his own chest now. He smiled. "Sure thing then." He then took out his key holder, removed the lock key, and placed it on Mary's hand. There was something about his fur that Mary couldn't place, something that he had that no other furry toon had, not even Calamity or Furrball. "You be good to it, then. See you tomorrow, and thanks for everything. Until next time, remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening." The next instant (WARP!) he was gone.

Mary suddenly snapped back to rational thought again and ran to the door. The rain was considerable, but it wasn't a downpour. She looked left and right, but there was no one around.

He would be safe.

She looked at the key in her hand.

And somehow, she knew she would be too.


	8. Cinco: Drawn Lines

CINCO - DRAWN LINES

Mary was surprised at how heavy the bicycle was, and yet how smoothly it rode; certainly a big change from her roller blades. She pedalled her way to school, enjoying the morning air, this time clad in an orange t-shirt, light blue slacks, and her ponytail in a white bow. Maybe she should get a bicycle of her own one of these days. She entered the campus, and was rather disappointed that the ride ended so quickly, and also because she knew she wouldn't be riding the bicycle home. She locked it on the rack, and walked into the main building. Just inside the main doors, The J.A.M. was waiting for her.

"Good evening."

"Hi. You sure put a lot of accessories on that thing. It _is_ heavy!" she said, as she gave him back his key.

"I know." His voice suddenly switched to something similar to Ernie Anderson, "It's an all-terrain attack bicycle, designed to fight urban crime! Capable of incredible speeds up to 40 kilometres an hour—" He stopped when he saw her blank expression, and asked with his normal voice, "And immense firepower? You never saw 'Street Hawk', did you?"

She thought for a moment and replied, "It doesn't ring a bell, no."

"Oh. Forget what I said about the 'attack and fight' thing then. And the 'top speed' can only be reached on level ground and with a tail wind. It won't win any races, but it gets me from here to there."

As the two talked and walked down the hall, another toon waited until they passed her, and she quickly turned and quietly walked behind them. She almost missed them because she was practically falling asleep, apparently having stayed up all night, as the bags under her eyes declared. Shirley then extended her wings toward the panther, and glowed faintly as her aura powered up. Psychically, she sought his mind, and reached it.

Or so she thought.

Sweating with cosmic exertion, the loon hen channelled all her energy into this action, ready to drill inside the jaguar's head.

"I've been thinking of adding an air horn. You know, for all those drivers that don't bother signalling when they're going to turn right."

"And that way your bike will sound like a train?"

Shirley couldn't understand it. She suddenly turned to Mary and sensed her mind just fine. Quickly establishing a link on the subject of bicycles, the loon hen tried to enter The J.A.M.'s mind through Mary's. Since neither of the mammals were telepaths, neither was using their mind to communicate, so they were only using sound and gestures to do so. Mary had normal thoughts that could be normally read. The J.A.M. had thoughts, and she knew that, but—

The two stopped at the jaguar's locker. Shirley stepped back so she was across the hall from them. "Or a semi, at least. I'll need to figure out how to install it so it can't be easily removed, and where to put it exactly so that it doesn't blast my own eardrums out, and where it will be easy to reach."

"And you'd have to change it periodically," added Mary.

Shirley, now extremely frustrated to the point of being unbalanced, opened her mind fully and read the mind of everyone who was within three metres from her. It was like listening to a crowd, and it was almost overwhelming, but now that she was sure that her powers weren't fluctuating, she homed in on The J.A.M. again. Soon, she blocked everyone but the jaguar. Her feathers ruffled increasingly, and her neck began arching.

"Bonjour, monsieur jaguar," cooed a French voice from their right.

The two turned and the jaguar replied, "Oh, bonjour, Mademoiselle—uh—what was your last name again?"

"LaFume."

"LaFume," he repeated, turning fully to her, lowering his ears. "I want to apologise for yesterday."

"Apologise?" asked the skunkmaid, bewildered.

"Yes. You're the first furry female I've ever done a Feline Defence Spin to, and even though you triggered a few reflexes on me, I—I shouldn't have been so rude."

Shirley was drenched with sweat. Her eyes were getting more and more dilated.

"Oh, non need to apologise, mon sweet keety!" replied the bubbly skunkmaid. "Zat ees ze first time anyone everr gets, 'ow you say, 'rough' on moi?"

Mary and The J.A.M. blinked at that.

"You mean you _liked_ it?" asked the humanmaid.

"Oh, non," she shook her head, "eet ees not zat. Yoo see, tu are ze first male Ah meet zat 'as ze same strength as moi, non?"

"Maybe," replied the felid, "but tell me something. Would you have pounced on me if I didn't have a stripe painted on my back?"

It was the memphitid's turn to lower her ears and blink at this, while the loon hen had not blinked for ten minutes now. "Quelle?"

"Yeah. That—that—guy—uh—"

"Monty," said Mary.

"Monty, yes, thanks," he told her, then turned back to Fifi, "painted a white stripe down my back. Didn't you see that?"

Fifi thought for a moment, and replied, "Ah do not remembair Monty. All Ah remember was falleeng een lovv weez tu, mon amour!" She perked her ears up and caressed his cheek with her right paw.

"What!" asked Mary, suddenly beginning to wonder why Fifi left France in the first place. And she even beat her Mexican friend to the next line, "But you _didn't_ fall in love, Fifi! Monty triggered a reflex with you! See?" She grabbed The J.A.M.'s shoulders and turned him around, showing Fifi his back. They still had not noticed the trembling loon hen across the hall. "Yesterday you called him a skunk, which he isn't. He doesn't have a white stripe anymore. Can you say you still feel the same way?"

The skunkmaid fluttered her eyes at the jaguar and replied, "All Ah know ees zat tu arr ze Lateen 'unk. Eef tu don't 'ave ze stripe, we'll fannd somm paint, non? And zen," she wrapped her huge tail around him, "what do tu say we, 'ow you say, play 'ockey and go to mon Cadeelac?"

A blank expression was the jaguar's only response, until he turned and asked the humanmaid, "Play hockey? But I hate sports!" Mary sighed and shook her head,

"I think she meant 'play hooky", J.A.M."

Shirley summoned all her power and was almost frying herself as she tried to enter into the panther's mind.

"Oh." He turned back to Fifi, but still kept that blank look on his face. A few moments later he turned to Mary again, "Define 'hooky'?"

Mary blinked at him again, but remembered that he wasn't from around here, "It means that she wants you to sneak out of school with her."

He frowned at this, turning back to the skunkmaid, "Oh. Sorry, maybe after school we can go to your—" Suddenly, his own eyes flashed, his ears flattened fully, his yellow fur reddened, and his tail fluffed up. _"Cadillac?"_ Fifi fluttered her eyes at him again and nodded softly. "And _why_, pray tell, would you want me to SNEAK with you to your Cadillac?"

The memphitid apparently ignored his bristling features and cooed, "Now do tu _really_ need to ask zat? Ah told tu alreadee, Ah want to show tu _mon_ qualités! Don't tu want to see zem?"

Slightly flashing his fangs, he nearly growled, "Not if you want me to sneak out of school and go to a secluded place, I don't!" At that, Fifi snapped out of her romantic mood. He unwrapped her tail from him again, and said, "Look, I hate to tell you this, but I _know_ you don't mean any of that. When we first met, you totally rejected me when I asked you to sit with us, and not one day later, you threw yourself at me thinking I was something I'm not! It's obvious that you have a problem, Mademoiselle LaFume, one that some guys will take advantage of if you don't do something about it. And I'm not 'some guys'." He was clearly growling now, leaning toward her. "I have different ethics and morals than some of the others, you know. But even if you _didn't_ stink, I still wouldn't go along with these advances of yours because I know you don't mean them."

Confusion was now filling the memphitid's mind, making her lower her ears again. "Eh? What are tu talkeeng about? What 'problem'?"

Mary stepped beside the jaguar, deciding to be the voice of reason once more. "Fifi, you have a problem. If J.A.M. here was any other species or if he had any other personality, no matter how repulsive, you would have jumped on him if he had a white stripe down his back. And you should be glad that he's not playing along with you."

The skunkmaid was trembling now, but with rage. And she would have sprayed both of them if she didn't have issues about spraying another female.

"AH DO _NOT_ 'AVE ZE PROBLEM!" she growled, ears fully laid back, fangs flashing, and tail twitching. Huffing, she stomped off, leaving them alone.

"Well, I _did_ apologise," he said, rather sadly, as he saw the skunkmaid leave.

"You did," she replied, "but don't feel bad about her. She knows the truth now, and what she does with it is now up to her."

Both sighed, and then he relaxed his features and asked, "Ready for class, then?" he asked.

"Well, after what we discussed last night, I feel more ready than I normally do. Oh, hi, Shirley!" Mary turned around and saw the loon hen looking at them, sweating and trembling. The J.A.M. turned around and also saw her.

"Good evening." Orange eyes met blue ones again. Shirley tried to push through his eyes to get to his soul. Noticing her exertions, ruffled feathers, and arched neck, he raised an eyebrow and asked, "Are you okay, Miss—um—excuse me but what was your last name again?"

At that point, the loon hen's powers failed, and she collapsed on the floor. Immediately, the mammals rushed to help. Mary cried, "Shirley! What's wro—?"

"LIKE, STAY AWAY FROM ME, ER SUM JUNK! AND MY LAST NAME IS 'LOON'!" she gasped, pointing at the jaguar, while struggling to stand.

Babs, Buster, Plucky, Hamton, and Calamity rushed to the scene when they heard her. Mary and The J.A.M., however, stopped in their tracks at this outburst. The panther lowered his ears again and asked, "What?"

Suddenly remembering, Mary asked, "Shirley, this isn't about yesterday, is it?"

Misunderstanding that question, the jaguar felt slightly sheepish. "Oh. Look, Miss Loon, I know I wasn't very polite with Mademoiselle LaFume yesterday. She triggered a reflex I should have warned her about, and I'm really sorry that I had to do the FDS on her. But I already apologised and I'm not here to hurt anyo—"

"Like, I don't know who you are or, like, WHAT you are," hissed the loon hen, rather suddenly. "Or, like, where your protection comes from!"

"Protection?" asked The J.A.M.

"But, like, you'd better stay away from me, er sum junk! Like, FROM _ALL_ of us!"

At this, the humanmaid became incensed, "What? Shirley, just what the hell is wrong with you!"

The loon hen suddenly turned to her, and with wild eyes, replied, "ME! The question, like, _should_ be, like, what is wrong with—" she turned back to the jaguar, "—with—with THAT!"

Now that was just plain impolite. "I do have a name you know," he protested.

Shirley continued, "I don't CARE! Like, just go away! LEAVE!"

Mary hissed back at her. "Shirley, stop that! You can't talk to others like that!"

A tap on her shoulder made her turn to the panther. "Miss Melody, just—just let this go. If she wants me out of her sight, then I'll get out of her sight. I'll see you in class, okay?"

As he turned to leave, the humanmaid protested, "NO! Don't go anywhere!" She turned back to Shirley and (WARP!) scolded, "I don't know what you're trying to pull, but J.A.M. is my friend, and you're NOT going to treat him like dirt the way you all treat everyone el—!" She turned to hold the panther's paw, but he was gone.

At this point, Plucky stepped up and helped Shirley stand. The bunnies, too, had witnessed the scene, since they were following Shirley.

"What did you sense this time?" asked Buster, ears toward her.

Shirley shook her head and put one wing on it, trying to re-centre herself. She regained her breath, and replied, "Well, first of all, I, like, stayed up all night, channelling psychic after psychic on my crystal ball, er sum junk! I, like, talked to all the experts. I even, like, channelled Shirley McLaine for five hours, er sum junk! Then I, like, read every single psychic page on the Internet, and, like, all I got was NOTHING, er sum junk!"

"What were you looking for?" asked Hamton.

"Like, anything that had to do with thought encryption. But, like, nobody knew, er sum junk. LIKE, NOT EVEN SHIRLEY MCLAINE!" she screamed. "So instead, I, like, sought ought every technique available for, like, entering and reading minds, er sum junk."

Suddenly realising what was happening, Mary grabbed Shirley's sweater and pulled her to her face. "You mean you were trying to read The J.A.M.'s mind again _without_ his permission!" Wanting to prevent a fight, Calamity and Buster pulled them apart.

"Yes," hissed Shirley, unfazed at the humanmaid. "I, like, had to."

"And what did you get this time, Shirl?" asked Plucky, his own feathers ruffling due to Mary's temper.

The loon hen shivered and sighed, and explained, "Like, the same thing I got yesterday. Scrambled sounds and images, er sum junk. I, like, scanned all around him, searching for, like, any opening, but even when he was distracted talking to Mary and Fifi, like, there just weren't any! I, like, couldn't get through at all!"

"So he _does_ have a mental block?" asked Mary, still angry.

"N-no. Or, like, I'm not sure. He, like, wasn't the one scrambling his thoughts, and he, like, wasn't the one blocking me. Or more than, like, blocking, I was being bounced back, er sum junk! Even at, like, my highest power level, his mind felt like a bubble that, like, bounces everything off, er sum junk! And he, like, didn't sense me doing it! Anyone would have, like, sensed my mind in theirs at that point, er sum junk! At, like, my highest power, like, my mental presence is too evident! But, like, that wasn't what scared me."

"_Scared_ you?" signed Calamity, lowering one ear and raising one eyebrow. "But he just said he didn't come here to hurt anyone!"

"Well, like, I think I found out just _how_ his thoughts are scrambled, er sum junk. Right when you two, like, turned to look at me, I got a message."

"From his mind?" asked Babs.

"Like, yes and no. He, like, didn't generate it, but, like, it was suddenly there. The message, like, was—was—" The loon hen took a deep breath, and stated, "'Illegal mental access. This is a restricted mental area protected by Higher Powers. Cease and desist all attempts to read and decipher immediately.' Then the message, like, repeated itself in Spanish, er sum junk, I think." Shirley looked at the other toons, now somewhat frightened, as the mammals drooped their ears in fright, and Plucky lowered his neck a trifle, and continued, "Like, I don't know what we're dealing with here, er sum junk. No psychic has, like, received something like that from _anyone_, like, none that I know, er sum junk. A Higher Power is, like, protecting The J.A.M.'s mind, and, like, I don't think It likes me, er sum junk. I, like, suggest we keep our distance from—"

"Shirley, _I_ wouldn't like you either if you tried that on _me_," huffed Mary, leaning into Shirley's face. "And I can't believe that you tried something like that without his permission! Did you even sense evil vibes from him this time?"

"Uh, like, no."

Mary sighed angrily, "I thought you were different from the rest, but you're just like the 'stars' around here," she looked at the other Tiny Toons with contempt. "You don't think twice about walking over others to get what you want. Did you even _bother_ to ask The J.A.M. _why_ his mind is being protected like that?" The loon hen was so un-centred that she had no answer. "No. The moment he became friends with us 'bit players' you all decided to treat him like dirt the same way you treat US like dirt! And now that you tried to find out more about him you discovered Something that is higher than you and It has you scared to death. Well, _I'm_ not scared! I just _might_ ask The J.A.M. to tell me how he does it so that I can shield myself from YOU! I don't know how many times you've read my mind before, Shirley, but you don't have my permission to do it anymore."

Somewhat upset at a previous declaration, Buster padded up to her, ears rotated back, "Uh, Mary, wait a minute. Since when do _we_ walk all over you and treat you like dirt?"

Mary turned angrily to the buck and replied, "You don't even notice, do you, Buster? But you do it. You've done it to _all_ of us. You use us 'bit players' to get what you want. You call us your 'friends', but how much do you know about us? How much more do you know about me, other than I do newscasts and that I like skating? How much more do you know about Sneezer, other than his sneeze blasts? How much more do you know about Lightning, Beeper, Calamity, and Sweetie? Do you know where they were born, whom their boyfriends and girlfriends are, or what their favourite books are? Do you _really_ know how many Mexicans there are standing before you _at this moment_? No, you don't. And you don't know because you don't _need_ to know. And unless that knowledge makes you look better, you won't _want_ to know. Gosh, if _that's_ what you call a friend, I'd hate to be your enemy, even if _that_ made me a star." She then turned to Babs, and told her, "I once looked up to you and the Amazing Three, hoping that Sweetie and me would one day join you and form the Amazing Five. But _not_ if that means walking all over _my_ friends. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have a newscast to script." Turning away, she stomped down the hall, leaving behind plenty of bewildered toons. The bell rang, so Hamton, Calamity, and Shirley began walking away as well.

"Waittaminute," said Plucky, "There aren't any Mexicans here! Lightning is in another class right now!"

Hearing this, Calamity stopped, flattened his ears, raised his hackles, turned to the duck, snarled at him momentarily, and also stomped away.

Suddenly realising what was going on, Buster turned to the angry coyote and asked, completely surprised, "Calamity? You're a Mexican?"

The canid halted again. He had heard that tone of voice before. Slowly, he turned to the bunny, and bared his teeth. He signed, "Yes. Are you surprised at this, Buster?"

Seeing his fangs, the lagomorph slowly backed away and muttered, "Well, I didn't—"

"You never thought that I could be anything _except_ an American?"

"No, it's just that you never ment—"

"Because only Americans or Japanese or Europeans can be geniuses?"

"How could we know if you never tal—?"

"Or do you find it shocking that one can be a Mexican AND a genius at the same time?"

"NOW WAITTAMINUTE!" he grunted, suddenly stomping and looking at Calamity's eyes. "Why are YOU getting offended at something **_I_** never knew because YOU never told me?"

"Because," he signed, "until now, you know all you _need_ or _want_ to know about me. And you still do." With that, Calamity turned, and stomped off. The others walked away as well, leaving the bunnies behind, and moments later Plucky shrugged and left them as well.

Buster lopped his ears and sighed, realising he had offended a good friend, or someone he considered a friend, at least, and just probably _lost_ as a friend as well. He turned to Babs and—

"BEEP BEEP!" A resounding crash interrupted all dialogue at this point. Little Beeper looked up with satisfaction at the two rabbits that now had their heads through the ceiling. He then turned to the camera and signed, _"¡Conejos gringos!"_ Another tongue flicker and a "beep beep", and he sped off.

A minute later, both rabbits managed to pry their heads off the ceiling and flopped back to the floor. As they were dusting themselves off, Babs said, "You know, Buster, I think we hit a nerve."

"And hit _hard_. And now they're hitting back." Someone very small zoomed behind them at this point, but remained unnoticed. The lagomorphs were about to raise their ears again.

"Well, do you think that Calamity and Beeper will be angry at us for a while?"

**_"¡HIJOLE!"_** In the next moment, both rabbits again had their heads in the ceiling holes previously made.

Lightning happily sped off while Buster replied with a muffled voice, "Them, and all the 'bit players'. Ouch."

Another tiny toon walked under them at this point. "Hey, do you need help up there, huh-huh?" he asked.

Upon hearing his voice, both lagomorphs panicked. "Oh, no. No! NOOOOO!" Their struggling caused some dust to fall from the ceiling, some of which fell on the toon's nose.

"Oh, don't worry. I'll get you ou—ou—ahh—ahhhh——————CHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The next thing everyone saw was a hole in the ceiling, and the rabbits were now stuck on the ceiling of the next floor. Sneezer sniffed a trifle, and declared through clenched incisors, "That was for the phone call." He was about to leave, but then he turned to the camera, smiled, and politely said, "Excuse me." He giggled a trifle and happily padded away.

Mary Melody didn't show up for Platonic Partners class. The few toons who noticed, namely, the "bit players", began worrying. And they worried even more when they didn't find her at the cafeteria during lunch, either. None of them felt hungry due to the earlier confrontations, so they left the cafeteria early to look for their friend. They found her before they could split up, however, but not in the way they were hoping. The TV sets all around the school turned on, and the screen showed the WB logo while a voiceover proclaimed, "This is a special K-ACME news broadcast. Here's your host: Mary Melody."

The screen now showed Mary in her white dress blouse and dark blue jacket, sitting at the news desk. The camera zoomed in on her stone face, and she emotionlessly read the teleprompter that was directly under the camera lens. "Good afternoon, I'm Mary Melody, and this is a special K-ACME News Report. Acme Looniversity school officials are worried about the increase in complaints of invasion of privacy among the students. The latest incident, which happened earlier today, left some toons shocked and afraid, and one even commented, 'it's getting so that even our own private thoughts aren't private anymore'." Mary placed one paper aside, and continued, "School officials are also worried about the increase of stalking reports in the Looniversity, in Acme Acres, and in the Acme Forest area. An incident which highlights this was precisely when a toon was stalked _and_ mugged yesterday and nearly lost his hide to his assailant." The J.A.M. lowered his ears and blinked at this. Wasn't she blowing all of this out of proportion? Mary continued, "Fortunately, the toon overcame his assailant and was able to escape unharmed. Another complaint is that of lack of restraint among some furry female toons. This is what Principal Bugs had to say..."

The screen suddenly switched to a recording of Bugs Bunny, who spoke to the camera, from his office desk, "Eh, dere are furry females who have soitain cycles, some of which are activoitin' because dey are enterin' puberty. Dese females shoulda talk to da school noises or deir doctah."

The screen switched back to Mary, who finished, "Principal Bugs did not wish to address the insecurity issues in and around the Looniversity. More news tonight at ten. This is Mary Melody for K-ACME News' Special Report." With that, the screen showed the WB logo again.

The "bit players" ignored the closing, and Calamity signed, "I guess Mary is in the news studio." No one said anything in response, and the rest of the males lowered their ears in worry, while Sweetie just lowered her head. Then, they all padded/flew down the hall to find their friend, whom they knew needed help.

In the cafeteria, meanwhile, Montana Max was reflecting on what Mary had just said. So, he's guilty of stalking that jaguar? Perhaps, but hunting isn't hunting without stalking. And the only way he'd get Mary off his back was to stalk while _appearing_ to not be doing so. But how could he stalk his prey without anyone knowing it? He couldn't use electronic devises because Calamity had now switched his allegiance from him to the panther, and thus would do anything to counteract any electronic surveillance. He needed another ally now—

—and he saw him about to leave the cafeteria. Quickly, he stood, and walked briskly to catch up with him, just as he crossed the main doors. Walking side by side, he asked, without looking at him, "So, you hate that new student, the jaguar?"

Plucky replied, also not turning, but with slightly ruffled feathers and an arching neck, "Yes. He made a mess of Shirley this morning. He's nothing but a troublemaker. But how can we get rid of him if Mary is bringing the teachers to his side?"

"Duck, I think I know how. It will require patience from both of us, and perhaps the help of a few more friends of mine. Right now, only you can help provide the info I need. Do you wanna help me?"

Plucky replied reflexively, "And what's in it for me?"

Montana smiled, "The satisfaction of having got rid of a troublemaker, not to mention revenge for what he did to Shirley."

Plucky smiled, relaxed his feathers and neck, and put one wing around the human, "Well, explain away, my good friend! I'm glad someone here finally agrees with me concerning that predator!" The two new allies walked/waddled down the hall, away from anyone who even cared to listen to them.

At the news studio, the "bit players" were disappointed to find Mary gone.

"Do you know where she is, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer to the news director, who for some reason happened to be his own mentor, Sniffles.

The mouse in question padded to his office as he replied, "No. She taped that news report an hour ago, and left rather suddenly." The "bit players" stopped in their tracks. So much for finding help here.

"Wait," signed Beeper. "Calamity, you and the Chilango have a better sense of smell than the rest of us. Can you track her?"

The coyote and the jaguar looked at each other, and the jaguar replied, "Well, he has a better nose than I do, but I'll help in any way I can."

The "bit players" padded/flew back to the news set, and there the carnivores knelt and carefully sniffed the floor around the news desk. As was expected, Calamity was the first to straighten up, including his ears, and sign, "I found her scent. She went this way!" and the sign pointed to the hall. The rest followed the carnivores, and once they were out in the hall, Calamity turned left and headed for a stairwell. Down, down, down they ran, until they reached the basement levels. There, they followed the coyote and the jaguar down cavernous and dark hallways, until they stopped and straightened up. Turning to the rest, Calamity signed, "Looks like she went to the film vault."

"Film vault?" asked the panther, wondering why everything looked like a cave now, and lowering his ears defensively.

"Jess," replied Lightning. "Dees ess wherr all de old cartoons are kept. Eet ees straight ahedd."

They were about to continue, but their path was suddenly blocked by a short figure clothed in a dark and hooded cloak. "It is indeed," he said, with a deep and creepy voice. "You'll find her in Viewing Room Four."

The "bit players" looked at each other for a moment, and continued on their way. As they did, The J.A.M. looked back for a moment and asked, "Who was that?"

"Bosko The Vault Keeper," replied Sweetie. "Don't worry, J.A.M., he's HARMLESS."

The jaguar shrugged and decided to ignore this incident. Soon, he and the rest saw long steel racks filled with round steel film canisters, all apparently arranged in chronological order. Slightly ahead of the racks were the viewing rooms. There was little light, but since practically all of them had night vision, they had no problem finding Room Four. Just as they approached it, they stopped.

Their sharp hearing enabled them to hear soft sobbing coming from inside the room. The mammals lowered their ears again, and the avians lowered their necks.

Quietly, Beeper opened the door, and they all slowly padded/flew inside. The room wasn't in total pitch-black darkness, meaning they couldn't use the eyeball trick. Their night vision, however, enabled them to see a pile of canisters next to the projector, and a white bow shaking in the second row, which was also where the sobbing was coming from. Carefully again, the "bit players" approached their friend from both sides.

"Mary?" asked Sweetie.

Suddenly looking up and glancing around her, Mary sobbed, "How the bleep did you all find me here!"

"We're furry toons, Miss Melody," replied The J.A.M. "We followed your scent, and heard you crying here."

The humanmaid sighed in frustration once more, "Figures. With all of your in-born talents, I could hide in the stomach of a whale and you'd STILL be able to find me!" She then turned to her friends and added, "Reverse the roles, and I'd never be able to find you. Not only am I not funny, I don't have super sight or smell or hearing like you guys!"

"Is that why you're HERE?" asked Sweetie. Mary just sunk back in her seat. Calamity raised a sign, but Mary didn't bother looking up. Suddenly realising why, he slapped his own face.

Sneezer spoke up, "Uh, Mary, Calamity wants to know if you're here because of what happened with Shirley this morning, and he wants to apologise for forgetting that you don't have night vision and couldn't read what he tried to say to you, yup-yup."

Mary looked up, but didn't try finding the coyote, "It's okay, Calamity. I'm glad that you can forget that I'm human. And yes, this has to do with what Shirley tried to do, AND with what Fifi did. J.A.M., how do you keep Shirley from reading your mind?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah. She tried to read your mind, but she couldn't. That's why she got really angry and scared at you."

The panther replied simply, "I didn't know minds could be read. Is that what you meant on your news report? Shirley reads minds as if she were reading books?"

"Practically. She made me so angry when she tried to walk all over you, the same way she's done that to all of us. I don't know how you do it, J.A.M., but—" she stopped to sniff and wipe some tears off her face, "—I'm glad someone FINALLY put a stop to what she did, well, with you, at least."

"I never knew she was trying to do that, and I didn't know there was a way to stop her from doing that. Well, actually—" the jaguar thought for a moment, and then continued, "—I think I know just how it's happening, but it's kind of a long story."

She turned to him and said, "Hey, I've got nothing better to do. Let's hear it."

"No!" yelled Sneezer. "You're supposed to be in class! Why weren't you in Platonic Partners today, huh-huh?"

Mary wept some more before replying, "I—I was too angry with Shirley to be in the same room with her. Fifi burned me up as well, treating you as if you were at her beck and call. _And_ I was angry with the rest of the 'stars' as well! Calamity, you saw how Buster treated you. I don't know how you were able to stand him." The coyote didn't reply, and when Mary realised that no one was reading any sign, she continued, "See? You even have a better recovery than I do! I'm the worst of the 'bit players'! I might as well be an EXTRA!"

"NO!" roared the panther, fur bristling and turning red, while placing a paw on her right shoulder. "You have plenty of talent! It's the others' fault for not giving you a chance to show it!"

"That's easy for you to say," she replied, looking to where she thought his eyes were. "You're a natural! You waltz in here, get paired up with Calamity, and you make everyone laugh. **_I_** can't do that! **_I_** don't have that talent! I can't relate to ANY of you, and I can't even relate to Monty, Elmyra, or ANY of the human teachers! **_I DON'T HAVE ANY BLEEPING MENTOR!_** And do you have any idea what is the only type of material I can relate to around here!" Angrily, she stood, shoved her way out of the row, stumbled back to the projector, grabbed some canisters, and yelled, "THIS! THIS IS WHAT I FOUND! Every classic WB short that has black people in it either has annoying stereotypes, prejudiced themes, or is downright RACIST!" She blindly threw the canisters across the room, making everyone duck and tuck their ears and tails in. "RACIST! **_RACIST CARTOONS!"_** With adrenaline-powered strength, she shoved the pile aside, knocking over the canisters and sending the projector crashing to the floor with an angry cacophony. The others were now approaching her again, determined to try to calm her down. "How the bleep am I supposed to be funny if I have no mentor or role model from the past! Do you know the REAL reason why I was cast with Tiny Toons Adventures! I was put here to keep all the civil rights groups quiet! With me as the required minority, everyone else could do whatever they wanted without any civil rights groups bothering them about minorities! I'M HERE TO KEEP EVERYTHING POLITICALLY CORRECT! THAT'S WHY LIGHTNING COULDN'T BE ON THE AIR, OTHERWISE THE HISPANIC COMMUNITY WOULD HAVE SUED THE BLEEP OFF THE WB! I'M JUST A FACE IN THE CROWD! I HATE THIS SCHOOL! I HATE YOU ALL! I—HATE———MY—————self—" Having spent all her strength, the humanmaid collapsed on the floor next to the canisters, and cried like never before. What she said next was nearly inaudible to a human, but the others heard her quite clearly, "I———hate————everything——————I just————want———to———————die——————to be————————————erased———————————————I'm————————————a waste——————of ink————————and paint—————" Silently, quietly, her friends gathered around and sat beside her, with the jaguar and the coyote flanking her. In solidarity, they all put their arms/wings around her.

No one could say anything.

No one knew what to say.

A long time later, she continued sobbing, "But you know what really burns me up?" She looked up, "In the Halloween special, **_I_** was supposed to be Doctor Frankenstein. But no. They rewrote the whole thing and gave the episode to Elmyra, and even named it 'Frankenmyra'. As if she needed more work, with her new show and all! And what's more, they even did a spoof of 'Saturday Night Live', including its news show parody, but did they call me?" She buried her face in her arms and sobbed, "…no…!"

Another long time later, Sweetie, on her shoulder, said, "Don't say you're the only minority AROUND HERE. You know that the WB sneaked around the Hispanic community by putting two incognito Mexicans as SEMI-REGULARS. With Calamity and Beeper being Mexican without acting Mexican, no one even noticed their MINORITY STATUS."

The J.A.M. then took a chance and asked, "Miss Melody, are you _sure_ you were put here to keep the civil rights groups quiet? If that were true, wouldn't there also have to be Asian toons around here?"

She suddenly looked up at him and stated, "J.A.M., this is not an Animé show." Everyone looked at her for a moment, and ten seconds later, they chuckled, relaxing their features and breaking the sombre mood, finally.

"See? Who says you can't be funny?" asked the jaguar. "You just made a joke all by yourself in the middle of something bad! You're not worthless at all!"

She sniffed again and said,

"Thanks. I just wish I could do that more often."

"Maybe you can. By the way, define 'Animé'?" Everyone looked at the jaguar for a minute, and laughed again.

Mary explained, "'Animé' is the general term for Japanese cartoons."

"Oh. Well, back to your problem. Miss Melody, if you can't find anything you can relate to, why don't you try doing stuff on your own? You know, go solo for a while."

The sombre mood returned, along with downed ears and tails, and a moment later, Mary replied, "I won't say that I haven't given that some thought, J.A.M. In fact, _all_ of us have. Furrball went ahead and decided to try it."

"And?"

"And with an established mentor and plenty of material, he's now homeless." At this, the jaguar could only lower his ears and turn his head away in sadness.

"Sorry I asked."

"Don't be. When we saw what happened to Furrball, the rest of us decided not to take such a risk. We're kinda stuck, then. Man, I feel so out of place. And _now_ you know why I wish I could transfer."

The J.A.M. sighed. "True. And I also know how you feel about dealing with prejudice. You saw yesterday how I was singled out just because I was a predator—wait a minute. Mister Coyote, how come _you're_ never singled out for being a predator? Or—um—Mademoiselle LaFume, for that matter?" Inwardly, the panther was proud of finally remembering a name.

Calamity signed his response. The J.A.M. could read it without any help, but Lightning read for Mary, "I'm a geenioos, dat's why I don't get seengled out. And Feefee ees the flerrt, so evereeone forgets she's a predatorr."

"Well, that makes sense," said the felid.

Lightning continued reading, "Evereeone here has tought off being eerased. But Mery, joo're de last one I'd want to see eerased. And no one here hates joo."

Mary smiled again, just a trifle. "Thanks, Cal—and Lightning. I really needed to hear that. And I'm sorry for what I said to you all."

The J.A.M. added, "We forgive you, Miss Melody. And I see now why everyone of you is so frustrated." He then leaned closer to her, "But Miss Melody, you just saw that you can be funny, _without_ a partner. Maybe it's the different place you're in right now. Perhaps a change of scenery can help you. If you want, you—and the rest of you—can come study at my house tonight." Everyone looked at the panther, or tried to, and the males raised their ears.

"Your house?" asked Sweetie. "Are you SURE?" Mary couldn't believe it, for some unknown reason.

"Yes. It's more or less fixed up now. I just need to sweep a few places."

The humanmaid smiled weakly. Perhaps this could be a good change. "Okay, but we need to keep Monty from following us."

"We'll go together," suggested Sneezer. "And keep an eye out on Monty, yup-yup!"

"Yeah!" chirped the canarymaid, "I can make sure his limo isn't FOLLOWING US!"

Relieved, finally, of her built-up frustration and anger, Mary stood, and a few canisters clattered in the process. She suddenly looked down and stated, "Oh dear, I guess we need to clean up this mess I made."

"That won't be necessary, Mary." Everyone turned and saw The Vault Keeper standing at the door, with a faint light eerily shining behind him. "I understand why you made the mess. You and your friends are free to go. I'll clean up here. It will be good for me to finally do something different for a change down here."

Mary could only smile wider, and she wiped more tears off her cheeks. "Thanks, Bosko. You're a great pal." With that, the "bit players" left the Film Vault, all keeping close to their great friend, Mary Melody.

By the time they returned to the main floor, the final bell rang.

"Well, I guess we go to my house right now," said the jaguar, and they all walked/padded/flew to their lockers, where Mary retrieved her roller blades. Once outside, they went to they bike rack, where they waited for Mary to put on her black roller blades.

No sooner had she done that when she suddenly skated to the front steps, intercepting someone. "Monty, don't you dare follow The J.A.M.!" she warned him to his face.

Stepping back, he raised his hands innocently. "Hey! After the way he threatened me in the forest, there's no way I'm going to follow him there! And that news report of yours was a dirty trick, Mary!"

"It was the truth," she replied, as-a-matter-of-factly. "So you know that _others_ will keep an eye on you, if you try anything else."

The human just smirked at her, and replied, "I wouldn't want to waste any more energy on you losers! I'm going home!" Walking briskly around her, he reached the edge of the sidewalk, where his limousine suddenly zoomed to a stop. He stepped inside, and the limousine sped off.

"Follow him, Sweetie," said Sneezer, with angry ears and tail. "Then meet us at the path that leads to the forest!"

"Right, hun!" She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and flew away.

As they did, the jaguar mounted his bicycle and said, "Okay, now, Calamity can ride on the foot-paw rests behind me. Beeper can follow at a slow trot, and the mice can ride in the front basket. Miss Melody, it's about one kilometre from here to the forest, and once we get there you'll have to take off your skates."

"Hey, no problem," she replied, putting on her backpack. "We'll figure out what to do when we get there. Let's go!" She skated down the parking lot toward the exit. Calamity and the mice climbed on the bicycle as was arranged. With a slight grunt, The J.A.M. pedalled off, following her friend, glad that Montana Max would not dare follow him to his house again. And he didn't. Instead, high above the streets, unnoticed by Sweetie, a green duck was flying in circles, taking note of the route that the jaguar took before he entered the forest…

* * *

Spanish - English

Conejos gringos - Gringo rabbits

Gringo - Term for those who spoke a foreign language, especially English and German, or the language itself.


	9. Seis: Searches And Setups

SEIS - SEARCHES AND SETUPS

Mary finished putting on her shoes, and stood up. Looking ahead, she saw where the dirt path led from the last paved street, across a grassy area, and to where Acme Forest began, which was where she and the rest were standing. Then she looked up and saw Sweetie flying toward her and her friends. Landing next to Sneezer, who was still on the bicycle's basket, she said, "Monty went straight home. It looks like he learned his LESSON."

The rest smiled at the news, and The J.A.M. said, "Okay, looks like we're ready to go."

"Your house is not far from here, is it?" asked Mary.

The jaguar thought for a moment and replied, "Pedalling, it isn't, but since we all have to walk now, it might seem farther than usual. Then again, you're a human, so it might seem farther to you than to Calamity, Beeper, or me."

"Hey, don't worry about me, J.A.M. Skating has its advantages, you know. I'll be okay." She smiled at him, and he smiled back.

"Very well. _¡Síganme los buenos!_" With that, he grabbed his bicycle by the handlebars, and padded into the forest.

Mary, Sneezer, and Sweetie looked at the other Mexicans in confusion, until Beeper translated, "'Good guys, follow me'."

Satisfied, Mary and the rest followed him, except for the canarymaid and mice, who were still on the basket. As they walked/padded their way to his house, Mary noticed that her friend led them through grass-covered areas, and pebble-covered areas as well, avoiding bare dirt wherever possible. Looking behind her for a moment, she saw practically no foot or paw prints or tire-tracks left behind. Deeper and deeper they went, and after a while, she began getting just a trifle nervous. As a city girl, she didn't venture into the forest very often, and this was the deepest she had ever gone _and_ in an area she wasn't familiar with. She tried to keep her bearings with the sun and shadows and tried to establish reference points, but the trail became too confusing and monotonous after a while. She doubted Montana would be able to find The J.A.M.'s house, even with bloodhounds or infrared sensors. And even if he did, it would just be him and the jaguar on the jaguar's turf, so Montana would have a terrible disadvantage, even if he had an arsenal of weapons with him.

She felt relieved that she sent her friend the message in time, instead of following Shirley's advice to leave the two alone. Checking her watch, she saw that they had walked for thirty minutes now in an interminable maze of trees, bushes, boulders, rivulets, and other forestry features. Walking still more and more, she deduced that her friend would need to wake up pretty early in the morning in order to get to the Looniversity in time—

Then she realised that none of them were actually riding on the bicycle. Pedalling, the trail wouldn't take so long to take—

_She_ was slowing them down! If she had not come along, everyone would still be on the bicycle, with Beeper following and Sweetie flying next to them! But because she came along, everyone had to slow down to HER pace! But then again, The J.A.M. _invited_ her to come, and she _did_ accept. Sure it was nice for him and the rest to be considerate of her "humanity" and let her very much set the pace of the hike, but once again, she felt left out, and almost _marginalised_, because she wasn't a furry. Sure, her time skating and playing basketball had given her a good physical condition to walk this trail without much effort, but it was her _speed_ that gave her the disadvantage. She sighed and looked down a trifle, not bothering to try to memorise the trail anymore.

"Mary, where are you going, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer. She suddenly stopped and looked up. Everyone else had stopped, and she was about five metres away from them.

"Um, sorry," she replied. "I didn't notice you guys stopping. Are you getting tired?" she asked, hoping to tease them somehow.

"No. We're here," replied the jaguar, not noticing her attempt to tease. In fact, no one else noticed, either.

Disappointed, Mary walked over to them. "Here?" she asked. They were next to an oak tree that looked like all the others, to her, at least. She was surprised to see the panther move a piece of bark aside from the trunk, as if he were opening a miniature door. He then took a key from his leather pouch, inserted it in the hidden keyhole, and opened the "door" to his house. Mary was more than stunned at this. The door was perfectly camouflaged in the tree trunk, and since it wasn't rectangular, but irregularly shaped, the cracks blended in the bark perfectly. Also, it opened inwardly so as not to sweep aside any grass, pebbles, or dirt outside. The felid pushed his bicycle inside, and the rest followed him. The inside of tree was spacious, some four square metres, but not quite big enough to serve as a home. The J.A.M. leaned the bicycle against the inner wood, and the mice climbed down. Instinctively, he locked the rear wheel to the frame.

"This is your house?" signed Beeper, looking around.

"Oh, no, this is just the entry and garage," he replied, closing and locking the front door, and turning on a hidden light switch. "The rest of the house is over here." He padded across the tree, and opened another hidden door. It was completely dark inside, until he turned on another light switch.

There, Mary saw that the tree now gave way to a cave that wasn't visible from the outside. This reminded her of Buster's and Babs' burrows, even though those rabbits never bothered to invite her, or any of the "bit players", to their homes.

As they all walked/padded/flew into the cave, Lightning asked, "How do joo get joor mail here?"

"I don't. I have a P.O. Box downtown. I check every day just before school."

Mary looked around. The second door led to a spacious area surrounded by stone, not dirt. There was a small blue sofa, and behind it was a large round table with several white chairs around it. A few shelves on the stone wall were filled with books in English and Spanish, and some pictures hung on the wall too, featuring more jaguars and other Latin American animal species, obviously The J.A.M.'s family and friends from Mexico. Beyond the living room and dining room there were two open doorways, the left one led to a dark hallway, and the right one to the kitchen. This she verified by looking inside and seeing a small refrigerator, a small electric stove, some cupboards on the wall, and a microwave oven on top of the counter opposite of the sink. The hallway, she guessed, must lead to the bathroom and bedroom. Looking down, she could tell that the stone floor was freshly mopped, apparently done hastily to make the home more presentable to Mary and the "bit players". Also, she couldn't help but notice a prominent smell all over the cave. It wasn't offensive, like Fifi's, but it reminded her of tree sap, dust, and Furrball—

She guessed that it was The J.A.M.'s own personal scent, now made more obvious to her less sensitive olfactory bulb because this was an enclosed space—

"Hungry?"

Suddenly whirling around, she saw the jaguar poke his head into the kitchen, where she suddenly saw herself in. "Help yourself. I just restocked," he added, going back to the living room.

Recovering from her momentary fright, she opened the refrigerator, and found lots of fresh meat, yoghurt, and an assortment of fruits. Apparently, either he had a taste for simple things, or this was just how jaguars ate. Opening a cupboard, she saw cereal boxes and plenty of bags of assorted M&M's. "Looks like he's very fond of this," she said to herself.

She returned to the living room to hear Sweetie ask, "J.A.M., don't you have a TV or STEREO?"

"Yes, but they're in the bedroom. I don't want to make too much noise with those things out here, otherwise someone might hear them outside."

"And how did you get your utilities here?" asked Mary. "I didn't see any poles outside."

"Ah, that is the wonder of technology now," he replied, sitting down at the table. "All my utilities were installed underground. It's amazing what rabbits and moles can do these days. I don't have cable yet; that's a bit difficult to get in this area, so right now the TV and radio antenna is hidden in the tree. I get good reception, though. Maybe I should get a satellite dish…" He trailed off as he stood up again and padded to the kitchen. "Anyone for frozen yoghurt and M&M's?" he asked before going in.

"Yeah!" replied the mice and canarymaid, while Mary and the rest just nodded.

Later, the toons were seated around the table, with a huge bowl of assorted M&M's in the middle, currently being assaulted by the mice, canarymaid, roadrunner, and jaguar, and bowls of frozen yoghurt in each place. Books were once again spread all around.

"You seem to have all the basics down," said the jaguar to the humanmaid. "All you need is practice time."

"But that brings us back to square one: with who? Right now the only work of mine anyone has seen is the written assignments we get."

"Written? Then you should be good at word play and such," he commented.

"Yeah, right," she scoffed. "I got a 'D' in word play! That's why I need help in writing wacky newscasts! I just can't do it myself!"

"But _have_ you seen other wacky newscasts, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer.

"Yes, but what does that have to do with this? Sure they're hilarious, but I just can't seem to assimilate that material!"

"Have you tried seeing classic comedy?" signed Calamity. "You know, Charles Chaplin, Buster Keaton, the early days of Laurel and Hardy?"

"Classic comedy is something more fit for you, Cal," she replied. "It's very physical, and I wouldn't be able to use my voice at all!"

An eyebrow was raised above an orange eye. _Voice_? "Miss Melody, you _like_ using your voice?"

"Well, of course! It's part of who we are as toons, except for Calamity and Beeper here."

The jaguar tapped his extended claw on the table for a moment, and asked, "Miss Melody, perhaps this is a long shot, but do you like to sing?"

The humanmaid blinked at this question, and stuttered, "Um—well—uh—yeah—kinda—"

"You should hear her in the SHOWER," quipped Sweetie, with an evil grin and her trademark giggle.

"HEY!"

Lightning snickered, "Ha ha! Joo mean leesten while _I_ shower or leesten while SHE showers?" All the males, laughed, except for one:

"Well, thanks for the mental image, _menzo_!" growled the jaguar, lowering his ears and slapping Lightning's cap off his head.

Mary deduced that the last word was a Spanish insult, apparently a mild one since her friend didn't censor himself. "Thanks, J.A.M., though I don't know if I should feel happy or insulted by what you just did."

Her friend looked at her for a moment. Even with his feline vision, it was difficult to tell if she was blushing or not, but it was obvious that _he_ was. "Oh, you should most definitely feel happy about that, yes, oh please, happy, please—!"

"AHEM," she said, frowning slightly, but still smiling. Her friend's ears returned to their normal position. "As Sweetie so crudely put it, yes, I like to sing, but you can't be funny by just singing, you know."

"Oh?" asked Sneezer. "What about that bit that Wakko asked you to—"

"SHHHHH!" she hissed at the mouse.

This wasn't something the jaguar was going to pass by, of course. "What 'bit'?" he asked.

Certain that her friends were going to spill her secret, Mary just covered her face with her hands and slumped her head on the table.

Beeper signed, "Wakko asked Mary if she could sing a parody of the 'Circle of Life', from 'The Lion King', in their show, 'Animaniacs'. I'm sure you've heard of it?"

The panther replied, "I think I've seen it, yes."

"Well, I guess that just before that, Sweetie heard Mary singing and recorded her somehow, and sent the tape to Wakko, since she knew he and his brothers were looking for a new voice for their parody. Wakko asked Mary to sing it, and she did. 'The Surprises In Life' was the theme song for 'The Tiger Prince'."

Slowly, the jaguar turned to the embarrassed humanmaid. "That was _you_?" Mary raised her head a trifle and looked at him with one eye. Slowly, she nodded. "Miss Melody, that was a hilarious song!"

"Yeah, RIGHT!" she suddenly shot back, sitting up. "How many actually paid attention to the song _the first time_?" She looked at the sign that Beeper had shown The J.A.M., and explained, "Beeper, I'd hardly call that a 'theme song'. It was more like a 'score'. And you all know that a score is really just to provide the background!"

"Now, Miss Melody, we may be on to something here," pondered The J.A.M. "Did you enjoy singing it?"

"Well, yes."

"Did you think it was funny?"

"Um, yes."

"Well, there you have it then! There are tons of music with hilarious lyrics in Mexico, so I don't see why that can't happen here as well!"

"Bott J.A.M., joo know mosst of de fonny music ees _folklórica_! Eet woodn't make sense een Eengleesh!"

He turned to the Latin mouse, "You have a point there, Mister Rodriguez. Folklore is almost impossible to translate, but it's not impossible to put to music. The Animaniacs do that all the time, so I don't see why you can't do that for Tiny Toons, Miss Melody."

"And you will admit, Mary," added Sweetie, "they didn't choose Babs, Shirley, Fifi, Elmyra, or _me_, for that matter. You BEAT US ALL THERE!"

The humanmaid raised her hands in order to stop this nonsense flattery, "Well, sure, but we're _still_ brought back to square one! _I_ didn't write that song! And I _can't_ write funny lyrics like that, much less wacky newscasts! I don't know what I would have done if Wakko had asked me to _write_ the parody song!"

The J.A.M. sat up at this. "Miss Melody?"

"Yes?"

"What _would_ you have done?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah. What _would_ you have done if Wakko had come up to you and said, 'Miss Melody, we've seen your written work. You've heard the 'Circle of Life', so could you please do a parody for us?' What would you have done then?"

Mary looked into his orange eyes, lost for an answer. "J-J.A.M., that didn't happen. Neither Wakko nor Yakko nor Dot would have ever come up to me to ask me that. The only ones who've seen my written work are the teachers!"

"You don't know that," signed the coyote.

She was losing this battle. All her arguments were being destroyed, leaving her no place to stand on. "M-maybe. But still, I would have told him that—that—I—er—couldn't—"

"Why?" asked the panther. "Didn't you say that your biggest dream was to be funny? Why would you have told Wakko that, even if he had served you your greatest opportunity on a silver platter?"

Mary was getting confused as her excuses ran out. "I—I guess it's because—because I simply wouldn't know where to begin! I have never done anything like that! I—I—just couldn't!"

"You wouldn't have tried?" asked The J.A.M.

"I—I—wouldn't—have been—_able_—"

"Miss Melody, _would_ _you_ _have_ _tried_?" All the "bit players" looked at her, but no one said anything. Finally, the jaguar continued, "Miss Melody, you've complained of how no one ever gave you a chance to do anything funny. Here would have been a great opportunity to try, and now you say that you wouldn't have tried. How do you _really_ know you can't if you haven't tried it?"

She countered, "But that's just it, J.A.M., I _haven't_ tried because _no one_ has asked me to! Sure, I can sing, but I can't play any musical instrument! The 'stars' can, so maybe _that's_ why they get more air time!"

"Not quite," said Sweetie. "I play the flute, and Furrball plays the violin. You know that. And they _still_ don't want us to hang AROUND THEM."

The jaguar stood up at this. "So, if the 'stars' won't give any of us the time of day, that means that we have plenty of time to work on our own material." He padded to a shelf, and pulled out two very thick books.

"What's that, huh-huh?" asked the American mouse.

"These—" (KATHUMP!) "—are to help us in word play and other comedy styles."

Mary looked at the dictionary and thesaurus that were dumped on the table while Calamity signed, "There is also a web site and a CD that can help with rhymes. There really isn't any reason why you can't write your own material, Mary. All you have to do is try."

"And it doesn't even have to deal with music," added the jaguar. "Miss Melody, what is the basic definition of 'comedy'?"

Mary sat up again and replied mechanically, "Comedy is the art of bringing out humour, laughter, and absurdity. J.A.M., that's the first thing we learned when we got to the Looniversity."

"Okay, then, you have a topic: everyday news. Can you find absurdity in today's broadcast?"

Mary looked down at the books for a moment, and replied, "I—I don't know. I've never tried it."

"Well, you can try NOW!" replied Sweetie.

"But—but—I don't know where to begin! I appreciate what all you guys are trying to do to help me, but right now I have this HUGE block! I really can't think of anything right now!"

"Is it because you're still angry?" asked the panther.

Mary looked up at him again, and slowly turned to look at the others. She leaned back on her chair and whispered, "Yes. I can't even deal with anger like you guys do. But I just can't help feel mad at Fifi and Shirley for what they did! Not to mention————" she looked down and whispered even more quietly, "—————myself."

"Yourself?" signed Beeper.

"You heard me in the Film Vault. As a human, I don't have any natural abilities like you guys do, and I'm not as strong or agile as you are. If I hadn't come along today, you would have got here much earlier! I wish I could be a furry toon, like you guys!"

"But you're a human, for a reason," countered The J.A.M. "You don't have to worry about shedding, drying your fur, or predator-prey instincts."

"Not to mention fighting the urge to go to the bathroom every time you walk beside a tree or fire hydrant," signed Calamity, making everyone laugh again.

The jaguar added, "There are also spiritual issues that pertain exclusively to humans, you know. And we may be stronger, but you know that humans are more energy efficient than furries. Humans don't get tired as easily as furries do. Most of us can beat you at the hundred meter dash, but you'd probably beat us all paws down in a triathlon."

She raised her hands again, trying to regain control, "Okay, you have a point. But how do we deal with Shirley and Fifi? How can I stop being angry at them?"

He thought for a moment, and replied, "Well, she knows she can't read my mind anymore, so I'll just do as she asks and stay out of her way—"

"NO!" yelled the humanmaid, making the mammals lower their ears, and the avians lower their necks. "She doesn't have the right to push anyone back like that!"

"But Miss Melody, you already told her off! She'll probably just as well stay away from me!"

"But don't you get it? She's one of the 'stars', and from the way she treated you she'll probably start placing everyone against you!"

"She cood do that, J.A.M.," added Lightning. "Plocky and Sheerley don't like joo now, so dey cood work toogedder to do dat."

"Or, by doing that, everyone could turn against THEM," countered Sweetie. "If no one likes Plucky, and everyone knows that Shirley tried to FORCE herself into someone's mind, they could be branded as VILLAINS NOW."

The jaguar summarised, "None of us can stop Miss Loon from starting a 'campaign' against me, Miss Melody. What matters now is that I've _never_ done anything wrong against her, and she _knows_ that, as well as the rest of the school. What you said today on the air is likely to make everyone see the truth. Miss Melody, what she does is _her_ choice, and if she doesn't like me or even if she _hates_ me for no reason, there's nothing I can do to retaliate." He then looked aside and reflected, "I guess it's just part of the package."

"Package?" asked Sneezer. "What package?"

The panther suddenly hushed and lowered his ears again, almost as if he had just revealed a very deep secret. Since he had already spilled the beans, he had no choice but to continue. "Well, you asked earlier how I was able to stop her from reading my mind?"

"Yes," replied Mary.

"Well, I don't actually do it. Someone very close to me does it." He straightened his ears again, stood, padded to the shelf, and brought another Book to the table. "This is the package I'm talking about," he said, showing them the title. The toons recognised it and wondered what that Book had to do with mind shielding. The panther sat down, opened the Book to a particular page, and read from a particular segment:

"Because I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not comparable with the glory that will be revealed in us humans. For the earnest expectation of creation waits for the manifestation of the sons of God. Because creation was made subject to vanity, not willingly. But because of Him who has subjected creation in the hope that creation itself will also be delivered from the slavery of corruption into the glorious liberty of the sons of God, we thus know that all of creation weeps and is in birth pains together until now."

He put the Book down and explained to the confused toons, "Me and my family are Waiting Ones. Since we're not humans, we won't get all the glory that humans will, but we do expect a glorious liberty."

Sweetie flew up to him and said, "That would explain THESE," as she held his gold Cross and Star of David.

"Yes," he replied. "We basically follow all the Creator's guidelines, even though we won't get all the promises. We have some measure of physical protection, but not as much as humans do against deliberate attacks, and even then, humans are not 100 exempt from them, at least not until the Manifestation. But apparently, one of the promises of protection includes shielding from spiritual and mental probing like mind reading, provided that we don't dabble in metaphysics, mysticism, and new age, and that we only seek the Creator for spiritual guidance and information. That's why I doubt Miss Loon and I will ever be more than acquaintances. Also, I doubt that she could read my mind even if I let her, much less see my future."

"That explains a lot," sighed Mary. "We never knew Shirley could get so defensive when it came to her abilities."

"And now that she's met someone she couldn't walk all over, she freaked out," signed Calamity. "It was scary, but it was time someone finally fought back against them walking over us!"

"Well, Mister Coyote," replied the panther, "I wouldn't call that 'fighting back', since I didn't actually do anything. She merely activated the defence system which was promised to us."

"But you will admit that you fought back against Fifi, didn't you, Chilango?" asked Beeper.

"Only in self-defence. I'm not the vengeful type, you know. She attacked first. That, and she triggered a rather sensitive reflex I have." The J.A.M. turned to Mary again and said, "Speaking of whom, Miss Melody, you yourself told her that she has a problem, so you already dealt with her and what she did. Why are you still angry at her?"

The humanmaid looked into his eyes and replied, "Well, I guess I'm still angry because she didn't accept what I told her."

"Like Shirley?" asked Lightning.

"Uh, sure, something like that. And now that I really think about it, we did kinda argue with her with just our opinions. J.A.M., I think it _is_ time someone shows her what she's doing."

"And it's time someone shows Shirley as well!" added Sneezer. "Maybe that way the 'stars' will finally stop walking over us, yup yup!"

"But even if we do, what good will it do to us if we're still not as funny as they are?" asked Beeper. Everyone silenced at that question, and the mammals lowered their ears again, except for Mary, who simply lowered her head, as Sweetie did. Not even the jaguar had an answer to that.

Five minutes later, it seemed as if a light shot through the humanmaid, clearing her mind and soul from all confusion, as she suddenly realised what was happening. Mary suddenly stood, "We don't know that. We don't know because we haven't tried! And our excuse for not trying has been because no one has asked us to! Well, that excuse ends right here, right now! The J.A.M. showed me that we've been saying that we 'can't' without even trying! Well, _I'm_ not going to do that anymore! I may not know where to begin, but there are seven of us here, and I'm sure that at least one of us knows where to start! Heck, we probably have more talent here than the 'stars' do! We really should dig deeper and see just what we can do! We all know that comedy comes from within, so it's time we dig and drill to get it! It won't come to us otherwise. Sure Furrball failed, but that doesn't mean we will too!" Everyone looked at her with shock and surprise. Perhaps, finally, the vicious cycle had been broken, and Mary Melody was the one to finally break it. "We'll also deal with Shirley and Fifi so we don't have any more blocks."

"Wait," said Sweetie. "We're going to study our brains out AND deal with THOSE TWO?"

Mary looked down at the canarymaid, and replied, "I can't guarantee we will, but I can't guarantee we won't, either. We can try, Sweetie. There are seven of us, and we have all weekend. The 'stars' and faculty may not give us the time of day, but who says we need them to give it to us? We have watches and clocks of our own! And if we don't have practice space at the Looniversity, we can find it elsewhere! We've been sitting on our butts for too long! And you saw what happened when we made an effort to get the booth at Weenie Burgers because we all worked TOGETHER! Maybe THAT'S why Furrball failed! He tried to do it by himself, and he failed. But if we stick together…" Here, she just smiled, and said no more. All the "bit players" looked at each other, then they looked back at Mary, and suddenly all flipped open their books, notebooks, dictionaries, thesauruses, laptops, rhyme lists, and finally got to work.

* * *

Spanish - English

Menzo - Dummy, jerk, dweeb


	10. Siete: Preparations And Confrontations

SIETE - PREPARATIONS AND CONFRONTATIONS

Since Little Beeper was still somewhat hostile toward "Chilangos", the jaguar refrained from suggesting that the group study at the roadrunner's house. So, throughout the weekend, the "bit players" assembled in Mary's apartment, The J.A.M.'s lair, and Calamity's house. Sneezer's and Lightning's homes, were, of course, too small for the rest to fit in. Long hours were spent finding rhymes, double _entendres_, absurdities in everyday life, and seeing comedic work. Mary had exhausted all the search options from the WB, so she took the panther's advice and searched in other sources, including comedy singers. She saw parodies, and parodies of parodies, watching carefully how oversights and hidden absurdities were found and magnified. Even so, she found it difficult to identify with any one particular comedy style, even if what she saw was hilarious. In fact, the comedy study was much more difficult than the plans to confront the loon hen and skunkmaid. It _was_ easier to make others angry or sad than to make them laugh. But she, as an anchorwoman, had taken the easy road too many times. When the next news report rolled her way, the Looniversity was in for a surprise. No weekend time was wasted, then. The jaguar, however, had to take a three-hour leave on Sunday morning for his church service, but that afternoon, everything was ready.

At Weenie Burgers, a few "stars" were enjoying an afternoon meal. Buster and Babs were in their usual booth, finally, drinking milkshakes. Buster, however, was far from being comfortable, as was evidenced from his untouched milkshake and sagging ears, which contrasted with Babs' perky ones.

"Still thinking about what happened with Shirley, Mary, and that jaguar?" asked the pink doe, sitting in front of the blue buck.

He turned to her and replied, "Them, and all the rest. Babs, do you think that we've been treating them like dirt?"

His girlfriend thought for a moment, and replied, "I don't know, Buster. It's not as if we can step back and look at ourselves and see how we treat them."

"Yeah. I always considered everyone our friend, except Monty and Elmyra, and now suddenly Mary throws these accusations in our faces! And—and—this is the first time I can't think of anything to fix this problem!"

"But _is_ it a problem, Buster? Or was Mary overreacting?"

"Well, Shirley _did_ get her angry."

"But Shirley didn't get Calamity, Sneezer, Lightning Rodriguez, or Sneezer angry at us!"

Buster looked at the table for a moment, and looked up at her. "No. But I think that they all had resentment against us in order for them to do what they did. Maybe us encouraging Shirley to dig into The J.A.M.'s mind was the last straw for all of them."

"But he's a new student, _and_ a predator! Shirley was only doing that to protect us!"

Buster frowned and grunted slightly, "Protect us from what? She had already said that she didn't sense evil coming from him, even when he defended himself against Fifi, and he _had_ the right to defend himself. He _is_ new and didn't know about Fifi!"

Babs remained silent for a while, trying to sort all this. "Have you talked to Bugs about this?" she asked him after a moment.

He sighed. "I'm not sure what to tell him. Mary already told everyone what happened in that news report. I'm not sure what else I could tell Bugs, or what the point of telling him would be."

"He would know _our_ point of view, Buster! Right now he only has Mary's!"

He grunted again, "But that's just it! Mary gave her report objectively, like a true news anchor. Perhaps—perhaps—" he lowered his voice and head, "—we're doing wrong to her—and the rest—perhaps—Shirley did wrong."

This was a rare moment for Babs. Seeing her boyfriend considering admitting that he was wrong was a very rare event, however, something was annoying her. "'We'?" she asked, undignified, ears tilting in annoyance.

"Yes," he replied bluntly. "This deals with all of us—all the 'stars'." Buster looked at the table, ashamed.

Babs, however, would have none of this. She flattened her ears against her head and grunted, "Hey, if you want to feel sorry for yourself, go ahead. But don't drag ME down into your pity party! If Mary or the others have a problem with me, then let them come to me and explain it, and then I'll see if we can work something out! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a carrot cake." With a huff, she stood, and padded to the counter. Buster turned away and looked out the window, ignoring that remark, and wondering how something so serious could have escaped him. So, he didn't notice Calamity stand at the same time Babs did, pull something out of his body pocket, follow Babs without her noticing, and accidentally trip on her heel.

"Ouch!" she exclaimed, turning to see him. "Calamity, watch where you're going!"

"Sorry," he signed. Buster didn't bother to turn and look at them, since he still felt bad about what Calamity told him the other day. The coyote, thus, put something back into his body pocket, and sat back down in the booth where all the "bit players" were.

Two minutes later, Babs returned to her booth with her desired dessert. She set it in front of Buster rather angrily, and hissed, "Now, are you going to help me eat that, or are you going to let your money go to waste?"

"Huh?" he asked, turning to her.

"Yeah. You _are_ treating me to lunch, are you not?"

Here, the buck raised his ears finally and smiled, "Of course, Babs. You know I—"

"OO, LA LA! ZE EXOTIC SKUNK-'UNK!" Before the lagomorphs could turn and ask "what?" and see who Fifi's latest victim was, the skunkmaid pounced.

On _Babs_.

A full body hug had pinned the doe's arms to her sides, and she squirmed as hard as she could to avoid the rain of kisses that fell on her face. The stench from Fifi's wrapped tail was unbearable.

"Oh, mon long-eared loverr!" cooed Fifi. "Where 'ave vous been all mon life?"

Ears flattened stiff against both rabbits' heads. Babs turned to her and squealed with an obvious strain on her voice, "Fifi! What the (CENSORED) do you think you're doing!"

"Ah am, 'ow you say, makeeng opp, non?"

Buster was now on his foot-paws, trying to find a safe distance from the stench while figuring out how to get Babs' free from the carnivore. "Fifi, that's 'making out'! And why are you doing this? Babs isn't a skunk, OR a male, for that matter!" The doe grunted and twisted and turned, but the skunkmaid's embrace was locked on her.

"'E's a long-eared peenk skunk-'unk! And Ah LOVV 'eem!"

This was getting too weird for the rabbits. Buster wasn't sure what to think of Fifi or why she suddenly changed her gender preferences—

—until, with all the twisting and squirming Babs was doing, she turned a trifle.

"Babs, you have a white stripe down your back!" he exclaimed, pointing at her.

"WHAAA?" she gasped. "HOW DID THAT GET THERE! FIFI, GET OFF MMMMMMMMMMMM——!" By now, all the patrons were standing, watching the scene unfold, and practically everyone gasped and gagged when they saw Fifi plant her lips on Babs'. A few even rushed to the bathroom to empty their stomachs' contents. The kiss sent Babs' panic into overdrive, allowing her to pull free from the vice-like embrace, jump up, run in place in mid-air, give Fifi several kicks in the face in the process, and blast out of the restaurant through the window, leaving a thick dust trail behind her. The kicks sent the skunkmaid to the floor, hard, but that was not enough to deter her.

"Ah am followeeng vous, mon reason for pubertee!" With the trademark four-legged skunk skip, she bounced on the table, through the Babs-shaped hole on the window, and followed her newfound love. Moments later, the rest of the glass shattered completely and noisily cascaded to the floor, leaving an empty frame and allowing the skunk musk to vent outside.

Not knowing what else to do, Buster ran out the restaurant's new exit as well. "Don't worry, Babs! I'll help you! Fifi! Stop!" His screams died out as the three put distance between them and Weenie Burgers. The patrons, of course, couldn't be more confused than the rabbits were.

"What was THAT all about?" asked Hamton.

Shirley, who was also there, suddenly stomped in front of Calamity, ruffled her feathers, arched her neck, and hissed, "YOU!" she pointed her index wing-digit at him. "Like, I _knew_ I saw you put something on Babs' back, er sum junk! I don't know why, like, I didn't sense any evil vibes coming from you, Calamity, but I DO know you're, like, responsible!" As she was accusing him, Mary and the rest of the "bit players" stood beside the coyote, except for the jaguar, who wasn't in the restaurant.

Calamity didn't even lower his ears or tuck in his tail. He calmly held a sign up that said, "You're right, Shirley. I faked tripping with Babs to paint a white stripe on her back. She didn't notice because it was a very light spray, and warmed up to her body temperature so she wouldn't feel something cold on her back, as it usually happens when WE get paint down our back!" He flipped the sign around and continued, "But don't worry. It's like invisible ink. It will disappear without a trace in about five minutes. By then, Babs will have put a large distance between her and Fifi, and by the time she catches up with her, she will have come to her senses."

As she read the explanation, the loon hen crackled with anger-generated sparks. How could he be so cynical and explain all of this as if he were explaining a science experiment? "And, like, WHAT did you intend to prove with THAT, er sum junk!" she hissed. Plucky was now at her side, also with ruffled feathers and arched neck, ready to throw out the "usurpers". Shirley, meanwhile, noticed that something was wrong. "Wait," she humphed. "Calamity, I've been able to sense bad vibes coming from you before. How come I can't do that now?"

The canine looked at her and replied, "Maybe because I'm not generating any?"

The loon hen crackled with sparks again. "WHAT? You just did a horrible thing, er sum junk! What are you, like, doing to yourself to shield yourself from my—!" If white feathers could get any whiter, they did so with Shirley, as she suddenly paled. Even her hair and beak took weaker colours. Slowly, she took a step back from him.

"Shirley, is something wrong?" he signed.

The avian stuttered, "Wh—wh—why can't I read your mind?" She then turned to the other "bit players" and also probed their minds. And as she probed one by one, she staggered back more and more.

"Illegal mental access. This is a restricted mental area protected by Higher Powers. Cease and desist all attempts—"

"Illegal mental access. This is a restricted mental area protected by Higher Powers—"

"Illegal mental access. This is a restricted mental area—"

"Illegal mental access—"

"Illegal—"

"ILLEGAL—"

_"ILLEGAL—"_

(KAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!)

Fuelled by a panic she had never known before, she fired the biggest bolt of lightning she could conjure. Plucky jumped back, secretly glad that for once, she wasn't aiming at him. What everyone saw next, however, brought even more confusion.

Shirley's lower beak hit the floor.

The lightning bolt hit, but it didn't hurt any of the "bit players". Instead, it seemed as if it had hit an invisible sphere that surrounded them all, splitting the bolt into several branches that grounded themselves on whatever metal was around. Once the attack ceased, the "bit players" stopped cringing, straightened their ears, tails, fur, and feathers, and stood up straight. Mary then unstopped her ears and looked straight into the loon hen's eyes, slowly walking toward her. Plucky, ever the hero, stepped in front of her and blocked her path.

"Don't you dare touch her!" he quacked in her face.

"I'm not. I just need to talk to her, Plucky," she replied calmly.

"Well, you'll have to get through me first!" he quacked again, poking her shoulder.

With a shrug, Mary calmly grabbed his wings, lifted him off the floor, and gently placed him on her left. She turned her attention again on Shirley, who was now leaning against a wall.

"Like, I don't know what that freak did to you," she quacked weakly, "but you'd better not touch me, er sum junk! Evil vibes are all, like, over the place, and I know it!"

Calmly, the humanmaid declared, "His name is _THE J.A.M._ Shirley, you did it again. You tried to walk all over us. This time, however, you ran into a wall. We investigated how The J.A.M. was shielded from you, and not just from you, but also from every psychic on Earth. We found something much deeper and more beautiful than you could ever find in your crystal ball. We decided to take hold of that protection, and that included the whole package: it included its _Source_. Shirley, we've been walked on by you and all the 'stars', but know that as of now it will not happen anymore. You will no longer read our minds at your convenience. If you want to know something from us, you're going to have to _politely_ ask us out loud, and then we'll decide if we want you to know. Concerning the evil vibes, we want you to know this: You didn't sense evil vibes at first because there weren't any coming from any one of us. What Calamity did was a plan we _all_ helped with, and believe it or not, it's to _help_ Fifi. There were only good vibes coming from us, and perhaps some sadness as well because we had no other choice but to do this, considering how far Fifi's problem has gone. And you _saw_ just how bad her problem is! The J.A.M. isn't here because he knew you would throw all the blame on him, but as you can see, he isn't here, so you _know_ that the evil isn't coming from him. And it wasn't even _his_ plan, either!"

"Yeah! Eet was mine!" squeaked Lightning, behind the humanmaid.

Mary continued. "It seems you have your wires crossed, Shirley. You think we're evil, and we're not. All we've done is take hold of Something much more powerful than you could ever imagine. I really, really thought you were different from Fifi or Babs, Shirley, but I was wrong. We were only planning to help Fifi today and then try to gradually deal with you, but you dropped the axe yourself. I'm sorry it had to come to this. I was _really_ hoping we could be good friends." She sighed sadly, and finished, "So until you stop trying to mess with us and until you realise that what you're doing is wrong, then, so long—Miss Loon."

Shirley wasn't sure, but she could have sworn that Mary's eyes were watering slightly. The humanmaid turned and walked out of the wrecked restaurant, and she was shortly followed by Lightning Rodriguez, Sneezer, Sweetie, Little Beeper, and Calamity. Shirley expected the evil vibes to decrease as each of them filed out, but the vibes were as strong as when she first sensed them. She turned to Plucky, who was stunned speechless at the whole thing, but the vibes weren't coming from him, either. Suddenly, she ran outside and stood alone in the parking lot. The evil vibes were still there! She turned and saw the "bit players" meet up with the jaguar about half a block from the restaurant.

She didn't hear their conversation, of course, but it went like this;

"What happened?" asked The J.A.M. "I saw the window shatter. Was anyone hurt?"

"No, no one was hurt," said Mary. "And this wasn't planned, but we killed two birds with one stone."

"You dealt with _both_? How?"

"Shirley fell under her own weight when she saw what we did to Fifi. It was more dramatic than we expected, but she won't be walking over us anymore."

"Well, I sure hope not. And I hope that when you deal later with Mademoiselle LaFume, it won't be so—well, damaging—to property, Miss Melody."

"We hope so too. And J.A.M.?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you keep calling everyone by their last name?"

"Because it's polite."

"Yes, it is, but when you're talking to your friends, well—if you keep doing it, it can get just a tad rude—and maybe just annoying."

"Huh?"

"I guess what I'm saying is—J.A.M., you can call me Mary."

"Oh, okay! What about the rest of you guys?"

_"¡Lightning, por favor!"_

"Sweetie, IF YOU WILL, he-he-he-he."

"Calamity, if you don't mind."

"Sneezer, okay?"

"Call me Little Beeper, or Beeper if you will, Chilango. But don't think I'm starting to ease up on you!"

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it, Beeper. But does all this mean I'm a close friend of you guys now?"

"Well, duh!" replied Mary, making everyone chuckle. "And speaking of names, how about finally telling us what your initials stand for?"

The panther smiled. "I will. But hop on the bike and let me take you all to my place. It's a rather long story…"

Shirley saw the "bit players" walk/pad/fly further away, until they reached the panther's bicycle, and a minute later, they all left. Suddenly, she saw Plucky take off and fly away. She would have wondered why he suddenly did that, but that thought was thrown out by the fact that she _still_ felt evil vibes! But how could she still feel evil vibes with no one around, especially Plucky? How could evil vibes be near if she was the only one around—

_She_ was the only one around.

Quickly, she tried to centre herself as best as she could—

_"Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhataloon—"_ She was levitating in the lotus position, trying to find the _true_ source of evil—

_ILLEGAL—_

And gasped.

_ILLEGAL—_

Because all she could see and sense was _herself_.

_ILLEGAL—_

She fell to the ground, hard.

_ILLEGAL—_

Too stunned to get up, she just sat there, wondering where and when she became the villain she thought she was fighting against all this time…

* * *

Spanish - English

Por favor - Please


	11. Ocho: Stella Nova Dead Reckoning

OCHO - STELLA NOVA / DEAD RECKONING

On Monday morning, an African-American humanmaid, wearing black pants, an orange tank top, and a red bow on her ponytail, rolled through the front doors of Acme Looniversity, literally, because she didn't bother to take off her black roller blades and put on her white shoes. Perhaps it was because she seemed extremely happy this morning, evident from the radiant grin on her face. As she skated down the hall, she was flanked on her right by Calamity, his tail wagging, and then by Little Beeper on her left. Sweetie then joined them by flying above the coyote. A small line of dust suddenly shot up the canid's shoulder, and then it cleared, revealing Lightning and Sneezer. (UNWARP!) A "good evening" announced that The J.A.M. had just appeared behind them. As the group moved down the hall, the other students parted to let them skate/pad/fly through. They wondered why Mary and the rest seemed unusually cheerful this morning. Calamity and The J.A.M. then high-fived Furrball when the group passed by the blue cat as he stood next to his locker.

Part of the reason why they were all smiling was because they were all now part of a secret; a secret that, although it didn't involve government conspiracies, religious sects, pirate treasures, or even a good fishing spot, was still a secret nonetheless.

It was a secret that was personal. Not embarrassing or immoral, but simple and profound.

It was a secret that not even Shirley The Loon would be able to pry from them.

It was a secret that was shared _only_ with the closest of friends.

Mary and the "bit players" now knew The J.A.M.'s real name.

Not to mention that this time, Mary Melody was _ready_ for Platonic Partners Class.

But that was only _part_ of the reason why they were smiling. They were also now part of the Waiting Ones, and that was something much bigger than any secret anyone could have. The group then skated/padded/flew past Shirley and the rest of the "stars". For the loon hen, it was as if a psychic hole had just passed her, a point in the metaphysical world where nothing appeared to exist, causing her to shrink back from them. But she _knew_ something existed there. After all, she had probed their minds before.

Only now, she did not dare probe into them.

"Illegal" actions didn't go well with her aura.

She never knew being a villain could be so draining.

It was time once again for Platonic Partners. Hubie and Bertie seemed to notice something different about some of their students; perhaps it was that their faces appeared more "radiant", but they dismissed that as a figment of their imagination. After all, the lighting inside the classroom hadn't been tampered with. The class thus dealt with the work done during the weekend, and it was basically a continuation of the previous Friday: to see what partnerships worked best with each of them. And once again, they called random pairs up to the front to see just how much they had progressed. There were plenty of laughs, and plenty of boos as well. Then, the final pairing was called up.

"Montana," said Hubie. Grumbling, the human stood and stomped to the front of the class again.

"And Mary," said Bertie.

"WHAT?" yelled Montana at the mice. "I already worked with her!"

"We know that," replied Bertie, business-like. "We want to see the progress that was made this weekend, yours _and_ hers."

The human huffed and crossed his arms. He looked up and saw the humanmaid stand and skate calmly toward him—

—and wondered why she was smiling.

Not only that, but he wondered why her smile was making him nervous.

She skid to a halt on his right, just as Hubie said, "Okay you two: your topic is—"

"Professors?" interrupted Mary.

"Yes?" they asked ridiculously politely.

"May we choose _our own_ topic?"

"Huh? What are you doing?" asked the brat.

The mice looked at each other, and Bertie replied, "You may. But remember to remain within the platonic concept."

Mary turned to look at her partner, and replied, "Oh, we will."

Montana's suspicion continued to increase, and it didn't help that his partner cracked her knuckles, still smiling. Still, he tried to maintain his bully attitude by asking, "So what do you have in mind, no-name?"

She apparently ignored that insult and replied with a grin, "Just be yourself, Monty."

Hubie then gave them the signal. "You may begin."

At that, Mary suddenly spin-changed into her news-anchor outfit, complete with her sheets of paper. She smiled at the class and began, "Good morning. This is K-ACME news. I'm Mary Melody, and this is my co-host, Montana Max." Here, the brat smiled cheekily and puffed out his chest, but the class chuckled when Mary, still smiling at the class, suddenly thrust some papers into his hands, which he assumed he had to read.

"Um," he read, "today, Acme Looniversity officials decreed that they would not allow entrance to any student whose first name was the same as one of the fifty states—what?" He looked at the paper, surprised, while the class laughed.

Mary continued without missing a beat. "There have been protests against this new regulation, including from our very own, Montana Max." She glanced at him with that peculiar smile of hers.

Annoyed, Montana continued reading, "There is no reason to discriminate against people like us. It's not my fault that it's a tradition in my family to name each member after each state in alphabetical—order?" The class laughed at the question, but Montana screamed at her, "WHAT! WHERE DID YOU HEAR SUCH A STUPID THING LIKE THAT!"

Still smiling, she replied, "Why, from your grandfather, Minnesota Jim."

More laughter burst from the class and teachers, while the human male asked, stunned, "How did you know that was his name?"

She ignored his question and turned to the class again. "Other students have protested this, namely, Texas Max—" A cowboy outfit suddenly fell out of nowhere and landed on Montana, surprising him even more. "California Max—" A grey wet-suit fell on him, and he was holding a surfboard that declared, "Cowabunga, dude!" Mary continued, "Florida Max—" Another outfit left him wearing a bright yellow shirt with orange daisies printed all over it, purple Bermudas, and sandals. "Louisiana Max—" Now he was suddenly wearing no shoes, torn and faded blue jeans, a dirty white t-shirt, and a frayed straw hat. "Kansas Max—" The outfit was now a _new_ straw hat, a plaid long-sleeved shirt and blue overalls. "Washington Max—" His outfit was suddenly covered by a neon-yellow raincoat. He also held an umbrella that, ironically, was the source of the sudden rain that was drenching him. "And the protest was completed by Hawaii Max."

For a moment, the human thought he was naked, but looking down at himself, he saw his hips and legs covered with a grass skirt. Exploding in anger, he spin-changed back to his normal self, screaming loudly in the process, and making the class laugh and laugh and laugh. Mary continued, smiling. "Our very own Montana Max has sued the Looniversity and he is expecting a lot of money for emotional damages."

At the mention of money, the brat calmed down. He stood straight and read, "Yes. Whether the Looniversity rectifies this atrocity against toon rights, or not, they will pay _dearly_ for their mistake." He smiled, finally, and continued, "And now, here's Mary Melody, with the weather."

"Thank you, Monty. Today, expect heavy thunderstorms in Acme Acres." Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt suddenly turned Montana Max to ashes, and everyone guffawed. Rain fell on the ashes, helping Montana return to his normal shape.

Mary didn't say anything, so Montana assumed it was his turn to read, which he did groggily, "In fact, there is a cloudburst expected today, so we recommend all citizens to remain indoors. It's going to rain c—" The brat caught himself from saying the ever popular phrase. And considering his temper, he had enough. He tore up his sheets, and even snatched Mary's and tore them up as well. He then stood there, with muscles tensed, pale fists, red faced, and snorting like a wild bull, making his chest heave. Everyone was still laughing, including the teachers.

Mary, meanwhile, just looked at her partner. "Oh, you wanna skip to the next part? Okay."

Before he could ask what she was talking about, another outfit fell on him, while Mary spin-changed again. Montana was now clad in grey medieval pants, and a grey tunic with an annoying hump behind it that made him hunch over. Mary, meanwhile, was clad in a white lab coat, black gloves and boots, and her hair was frizzled up with white stripes on the sides. She cackled, "A HA HA HA! I, Doctor Frankenmary, will soon create the ULTIMATE news reporter on Earth! Montygor!" she yelled at her partner, "Go find me a skull!"

The brat was about to give a rude remark, but was rather stunned at the request. "A skull?" he asked. "Don't you mean a brain?"

Suddenly Mary bashed his head into his chest with a mallet she pulled out from behind her back.

"NO, YOU NINNY! I need a skull FIRST _TO PUT_ a brain in later!" Despite her being in character, she more than noticed the laughter she was generating.

But Montana wasn't without his own retorts. He popped his head out of his chest, shook the grogginess off him, and continued, "What would you need a brain for, anyways? I hear reporters don't HAVE brains!" He smiled at his indirect insult, but wondered why Mary was pondering on that.

"They don't?" she asked. "Hmmm, that alters my plans a little—a reporter doesn't have brains, which means that they don't think, which means that they just ask annoying questions...OF COURSE!" she screamed, slapping Montana on the back _very_ hard, nearly knocking him over. "All I need is the brain of a _pollster_, and attach it to a reporter's body! Then I'll install the teleprompter in its eyes, the earphone directly inside its ear, and permanently attach a microphone to its hand! MONTYGOR, THANKS A LOT! YOU SAVED ME A LIFETIME OF WORK, A HA HA HA HA!" She slapped his back again in thanks, and concluded, "And as a reward, I'll let you skip your yearly bath! Oh, and I'll let you have dessert tonight, too! Here!"

Many expected this, but it was still funny to see Mary pull out a cake from behind her and smash it on Montana's face. The brat trembled with rage, and this time, he didn't turn red, but a bright yellow. He then burned up in flames, literally, which died out in a few seconds. The remaining smoke then coalesced into his normal self again, but he still had cake on his face.

Mary, meanwhile, spin-changed back to normal, and took a bow. Here, the class, which was still laughing hysterically, suddenly gave an explosive ovation, complete with cheers and whistling, the majority of which was coming from the "bit players". Mary stood straight and sighed, wiping some sweat off her forehead. Then she heard chants, "MARY! MARY! MARY!" and she couldn't believe her eyes when the entire class rushed up to her, deafening Gogo's lunchtime announcement. She was scared for a moment, but then she saw that the crowd was being led by the "bit players." The J.A.M., Calamity, Beeper, and Furrball then lifted her above their heads and carried her out of the classroom, "MARY! MARY! MARY!" but were careful to duck when they reached the door. Mary squealed with fright _and_ euphoria.

This was certainly a new experience for her.

She just took it all in as she was carried in triumph to the cafeteria.

The toons that remained inside, however, were Montana, Plucky, Shirley, and the teachers. "Um, class dismissed," mumbled Bertie. Hubie looked at him and just slapped the back of his head.

As the mice climbed down the desk, Shirley looked at Montana and Plucky.

She was with the "villains"?

With her neck lowering in sudden fright, she quickly stood and dashed out the door.

Montana then looked at Plucky, and growled, "That was a BIG mistake. Duck, do you have the info?"

The anseriform replied, suddenly not smiling. "Yes. I took the liberty of preparing a computer presentation. Hey, those animation classes _are_ useful after all!"

The human ignored that comment and said, "Then follow me. My other friends are ready to listen." The two villains thus left the now empty classroom.

Mary was finally brought down when her carriers arrived at the cafeteria. She looked at all her friends, and her "fans" now as well, and said, "Thanks for everything, guys. Now, if you'll excuse me, we've gotta eat." She and her friends sat down at the "bit players'" table, and as they got their lunches out, Mary pulled a small black square device from her pants pocket, and gave it to Calamity. "Thanks for the portable special effects box, Calamity!"

"Eh, it was a minor science project," he signed.

"But it helped me pull this off. And hey, I think I just found a unique ability of mine!"

"Oh? What is it, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer.

"Well, I decided to break the routine today and keep my skates on all day. And it turned out that they _really_ helped me do those spin changes! I _don't_ know if I would have been able to do them with my normal shoes!"

"Well, you could try," said The J.A.M., smiling. She smiled back at him.

"Good point. Speaking of which, I'm glad I _finally_ learned how to do the body pocket trick! Now I'll be able to switch back and forth without having either my shoes or skates be so bulky inside my purse!" She patted her hip, where her white shoes were stored for the moment, and added, "But it's too bad that Monty didn't finish his lines."

"The cats and dogs one?" signed Beeper. "That would have been hilarious!"

"And the cats and dogs of the faculty wouldn't have had any problems falling on him," she commented. "I can just imagine Professors Sylvester, Sylvia, Alexander, Sam, Arnold, Wile E., and _you two_ flattening Monty!"

The felid and the canid looked at each other, and laughed.

"I teenk Furrball wood have jumped een dere, too!" added Lightning. "Too bad there wasn't time for you to break out INTO A SONG!" added Sweetie, giggling.

"Oh, that would have been a BLAST, yup-yup!" squeaked Sneezer.

Mary sighed. "What can I say? I tried to be flexible, and he didn't want to. Then again, I doubt the teachers would have given us enough time to pull off everything we planned."

"Still, you worked around him excellently," added the panther, and then he exclaimed, _"¡No contaba con tu astucia!"_

The humanmaid looked blankly at him, and asked, "What?"

"He didn't count on your cleverness," he translated, smiling at her. The group continued to laugh and laugh and eat. As they ate their food, they gradually calmed down, but they, and everyone, continued to smile and chuckle, even the toons who weren't in the class. It was contagious, so it seemed.

One toon wasn't smiling, however, and she was sitting by herself, eating her tofu. Perhaps she needed to rethink and re-meditate her dealings with those around her.

When Mary finished eating, she noticed that someone else had finished as well. She quickly stood and said, "Excuse me, guys, but I need to leave now. I have something very important to do."

"Hey, no problem," said the panther.

"See you LATER, Mary," said Sweetie, giggling.

The humanmaid nodded, and she skated up to Fifi just as she was about to leave the cafeteria. She told her quietly, "We need to talk. Now."

The skunkmaid looked at the humanmaid for a moment, wondering why she had asked her something of that sort and so suddenly.

And a spark in Mary's eyes was something that she instinctively knew was not to be questioned. Both of them left the cafeteria.

Montana locked the door to the animation room once Plucky and he were inside. The duck looked at the "helpers", somewhat hidden by the darkness in the windowless room.

"Now _this_ was certainly expected of you," said the anseriform, as he took out a disk from his body pocket and walked to the computer and projector, which were conveniently placed on one end of the classroom.

Montana wiped some icing remnants off himself as he sat down near the screen. "What were you able to find out?"

Plucky ran the program, turned on the projector, and stepped up to the screen. It showed a computerised map of Acme Acres, which rotated and zoomed to where Acme Looniversity was located. The anseriform explained as he pulled out a long metal pointer, "Aerial recon—reconni—spying—revealed that the jaguar _always_ takes this path from the Looniversity to the forest." A red line emerged from the Looniversity's main entrance and zigzagged through the city, until it reached the forest, stopping there. Another red line began from a certain restaurant and zigzagged its way as well. "He has an alternate path if he starts from Weenie Burgers, but it converges on his original path here," he pointed to where both lines joined. "Tree cover in the forest is very thick, and I couldn't get any information from there. The forest dwellers also heard and saw what happened on your first encounter there, Monty, so they refused to disclose any information to me."

"Looks like we'll have to do it in the city, then," said one helper.

"But how?" asked the other. "We'll always have an audience, and the way he keeps to the right side of the street, if we attempt a drive-by shooting, we'll risk hitting others. Even with a point-blank shot, the tranquilliser will take at least one minute to take effect, giving him enough time to fight back or call for help. And that's _if_ he's not pedalling alone. And even if he was, anyone nearby with a cell phone could call the cops on us."

"Not necessarily," said Plucky. The image then zoomed in to a particularly long block. "The J.A.M. turns right on this street, whether he's coming from the Looniversity or Weenie Burgers. Here, he doesn't keep right, but instead moves next to the median." An even greater zoom showed the path as Plucky described it. "That's because he has to take a left at the next corner. This particular segment of his commute is long, with a very wide street and scattered businesses near the corners. We'll have a very small audience here, if any."

"But what do we do about the tranquilliser delay, duck?" asked one helper. "Even the most potent dose on the largest dart will give him at least a sixty second window of escape. Anything more potent will kill him on the spot, and we don't want a murder in our paws."

"Hold it," said Montana. "That sixty second window will work with just one dose, right?"

"Actually, that's an approximation," replied the other helper. "He said he's been hunted before, so we don't know how much tolerance he's built up so far. We don't have his exact weight, either. It _could_ be from two to eight minutes."

"From just _one_ dose?" insisted the human.

"Yes. Are you saying we should shoot him repeatedly?"

"Additional shots will draw attention to us," said the first helper. "And right from the first shot, he's likely to roar in pain and wobble on his bicycle, becoming a harder target."

"Not if we all shoot at the same time," explained Montana, standing up and walking to the computer…

Mary led Fifi into an empty audio/visual classroom, and closed the door behind them.

"Marie, what ees eet zat vous want to talk to moi about?"

The humanmaid turned to the skunkmaid, and asked, "Fifi, let me ask you first: do you, um, enjoy chasing guys?"

Fifi's face brightened, her tail swished, and she replied, "Oo, oui! Ah luvv chasing ze skunk-'unks!"

"Uh, no, Fifi, I mean _guys_. Not necessarily skunks."

The memphitid looked at the hominid quizzically, halting her tail motion. "What do vous mean? Ah've only chased ze male skunks."

Mary sighed and pulled out a videotape from her pocket, and walked to the TV and VCR. She turned them both on, and inserted the tape in its respective slot. The screen flickered a moment, and then it coalesced into a familiar scene.

"Zat ees ze Weenee Burgers," she recognised. "What does zat 'ave to do weeth ze skunk-'unks?"

Mary paused the tape, pointed to a toon, and asked, "Fifi, who is that?"

The skunkmaid didn't need to think about this question. "Zat is Babs, standeeng next to Bustair."

The humanmaid nodded, "Good. Now, what species is Babs?"

Fifi stood back at this, lowered her ears, and frowned, "What do vous mean? Babs ees ze bunny, non?"

Mary calmly insisted, "And what gender is Babs?"

Now the carnivore was getting annoyed, and she replied thusly, with her tail twitching, "Marie, Babs ees ze _female_ bunny! Anyone knows zat!"

Satisfied with the answer, Mary let the tape play. Both saw Babs put the carrot cake on the table, and then turn her back to the camera as she turned to Buster. She paused the tape again.

"Now what do you see?"

"Oo, la la! I see ze skunk-'unk!" Fifi clasped her paws near her face, love-struck, with her eyes turning into red hearts. Her ears were perked up, as was her tail.

Mary's shoulders and gaze dropped at this response. Sadly, she looked up at her, and asked cautiously, "Fifi, this is very important, but please, look carefully at the screen. Since when do skunks have long ears and cotton ball tails?"

"Maybe eet ees ze foreign skunk, like moi?"

The humanmaid wiped her face in frustration. She looked to the screen, and advanced the tape frame by frame.

"Oo! Zat ees moi runneeng to grab ze skunk-'unk!" The scene advanced slowly to show Fifi pouncing on Babs, and Babs' subsequent panic. Fifi giggled as she watched herself, proud of how she held to her prospective beau—

And then, she gasped.

Her ears drooped and her tail fell.

Babs had now turned so her face could be seen. She was looking directly at Fifi with an expression of terror, but the skunkmaid had love-struck eyes, making it impossible for her to see who Babs _really_ was. In the classroom, the skunkmaid was so shocked at this that she fell back, sitting down hard on the floor. She remained quiet for a minute before she stuttered, "Zat—zat ees moi—huggeeng Babs—who had ze white stripe on 'er back—"

Mary sighed and looked down. "Fifi, didn't you ever _notice_ this happening to you? Didn't you realise that you were trying to romance a _female_?"

Moist purple eyes met brown ones, "Non—when Ah—Ah see ze white stripe—Ah—zees zeengs—'appen to moi—Ah can't stop zem—zey just feel so good—_pour quoi_ are vous telleeng moi _now_, after all we deed to vous? And _pour quoi_ deedn't anyone tell moi before?"

Mary sat beside her and explained, "Ask the WB executives why you were never told. As to why _I'm_ telling you, well, you guys may have treated me and the others like dirt, but—but I don't think it's right for me to just watch this happen to you with the possibility of it getting worse. _I'm_ not going to treat you, or anyone else, like dirt. You had this problem for a long time, Fifi. I don't know why your 'friends' never told you about it. I may not be able to help you, but—it's time that you knew about this before it got worse, and it's time for you to look for those who _are_ able to help you." She gently placed her hand on her paw and finished, "I'm sorry, Fifi." She got up, turned, and was about to walk away, but then she turned around again and said, "If—if you ever need to talk—well, me and Sweetie can make a spot for you." With that, the humanmaid left the classroom, and shut the door.

Inside, Fifi sat up and hugged her legs tight, wrapping her tail around herself, eyeing with shock the scene frozen in front of her. Finally, she buried her face in her knees and broke down in sobs; her mind pleading for any reason as to why this had gone for so long without anyone bothering to tell her.


	12. Nueve: Et Tu, Kennedy?

NUEVE - ET TU, KENNEDY?

The "victory lunch" was at Weenie Burgers, of course. Mary had brought something special for one of her friends, and had planned to give it during their time here. Sitting in front of the jaguar and beside the coyote, she said, "Well, Fifi finally saw the facts, and I told her that if she wanted to talk, I would be there for her. I don't know if she'll lose her romantic personality, though."

The jaguar raised an eyebrow. "You offered her your time?" She nodded. "Then it seems _you_ know more about the _true_ meaning of friendship than she does."

"She, and all the 'STARS'," added Sweetie. "And now that they've seen _true_ friendship, maybe they'll start thinking more carefully about who their friends REALLY ARE."

"And now that we've dealt with Fifi and Shirley, you won't have any more blocks, will you Mary, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer.

"I hope not. Being the one to deliver the blows isn't exactly my cup of tea."

"We understand, Mary," signed Calamity, lowering his ears a trifle. "But you do have to admit that it was best for a female to deal with females in those matters."

"Yes, you're right, Calamity. I'm just glad that's all over. Now I can be loony like everyone else, finally!"

"And you made a great start, I'll tell you that," signed Beeper.

"Yes, it's a start," she replied. "Today was only the start." She leaned back on the seat and sighed with a grin.

"You were excellent, Mary," said The J.A.M., his orange eyes burning deeply into her dark brown ones. "You're on your way to becoming a hilarious toon. Hey, you'll be breaking new ground with this! A loony black human female toon. I bet that's something _no_ animation company has ever tried before!"

Mary's face shone like never before. "And it was thanks to you, and _all_ of you guys, who helped me deal with the blocks and find my loony self. Thanks, Cal," she hugged the coyote, making him straighten his ears again. "Thanks, Beeper!" The roadrunner was on the opposite corner, so she just reached out and held his wing. "Thanks, Lightning, Sweetie, and Sneezer!" Carefully lifting the _true_ tiny Toons to her cheek, she hugged them as well. Then, she put them down, and turned to the Mexican. "And thanks to you, too, _señor_!" She stood and hugged him, and she didn't know why, but she had to squeeze him tighter than she did with the others. Thinking for a moment, she finally realised why Elmyra wanted to cuddle him to death. Well, she wasn't sure if she wanted to kill him like that, but the cuddling seemed like a good idea. He returned her embrace, and she was surprised at how tight he hugged her as well. A moment later, they released each other with a slightly disappointed sigh, and looked at each other's eyes. Mary sat down again.

Suddenly realising he was holding her hands, The J.A.M. quickly pulled away, lowering his ears, trying to stop his spots from turning red, and stuttered, "Um, you're welcome, Miss Melody—"

"Hey, what did I say about that?" she asked with a slight smirk.

"Um, okay. _Mary_, you're welcome."

"And speaking of names," she added, "thanks for letting us in on your secret and letting us know yours."

"And now dat we're Waiteeng Ones, our minds are sheelded. Sheerley won't be able to get eento our minds to find out hees name!" squeaked Lightning with joy.

"Not unless she becomes a _close_ friend," replied the panther. "And she _knows_ what she has to do in order to become that. You all, however—well—I can truly say that you're the closest friends I've ever had. Thank you all." He looked at each of them with gratitude, but when he turned to the humanmaid, their gazes locked again. Mary felt something odd stir within her, and she wondered why her cheeks were receiving more blood supply.

As for the felid, he was trying to keep his spots from changing colour again. Suddenly he broke the gaze and stuttered, "Uh—I guess I'll see everyone tomorrow, then?"

Mary didn't know why, but she felt a trifle more disappointed when she heard him say that. "Uh, sure, I guess. I'll—we'll see you tomorrow, J.A.M."

The jaguar really didn't want to leave, but for some reason, it was getting hot inside the diner. So, he straightened his ears, stood, and declared. "I'll see you then. Until next time, remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening." In a blink, (WARP!) he warped away. Everyone turned to the door, and saw it slowly close, just as Buster and Babs entered.

"Did anyone feel a breeze just now?" asked Babs. The others just chuckled a trifle, and Mary sat back and sighed. For some reason, she was looking forward to seeing her friend tomorrow. She certainly didn't expect to have such feelings for him, much less for any non-human, but for some reason that really didn't matter at this point. She would sort out just what it was that she was feeling and then go on from there. She shifted a trifle and placed her purse on the table—

A particular sound jolted her out of her pondering. Quickly, she opened her purse, and gasped.

"Oh, no! I forgot to give him his M&M's!"

"To help him RESTOCK?" asked Sweetie.

"Yes! You guys ate HALF of his reserves! I hope this one-pound bag helps him out!"

Calamity signed, "You can still catch him. He probably just warped to his bicycle and right now he's pedalling toward the forest." Her face lit up again.

"Oh, okay, thanks, Calamity!" With that, she stood, skated out of the diner, and proceeded to follow The J.A.M.

The panther, meanwhile, was happily pedalling his way through the Acme Acres, happy, his tail swaying behind him, because he had found close friends, finally, and maybe one who seemed to want to be closer than the others did.

_I think I'm going to like it here._

He took a right turn on to a wide avenue, and moved to the yellow divider because he was going to make a left turn at the next corner. It was a rather long block, and since there was barely any traffic, he took his time and slowly coasted down the street.

A perfect speed for target practice.

On the roofs of four buildings in that block, one hand, two paws, and one wing opened four rifles' firing chambers, loaded their respective darts, shut the chambers, and cocked the rifles. Four sights then homed in on the feline's torso.

"Okay, he just turned into the street. I can take him out from right here!" whispered Plucky into his headset.

"Wait until he's in position!" growled Montana. "We can't risk anyone missing a shot, so we'll fire when he's right at the centre!" From above the buildings, one would have been able to see Montana Max on a building on the right side of the street, hiding behind a billboard. A few buildings ahead of him was Rhubella Rat, hiding behind a rampart wall. On the opposite side of the street, directly in front of her, was Roderick Rat, hiding behind a stone gargoyle. Completing the ambush, Plucky was hiding behind a lighted sign, directly opposite of Montana. All four were on the roofs of six-story buildings; their positions forming a square. On the centre of the square, on the pavement, two lines had been spray-painted earlier. They were white, adjacent to the yellow divider, but perpendicular to it. They were spaced two metres form each other, and were less than one decimetre long. From any cyclist's viewpoint they would have been unnoticed, but from their ambush positions, the two lines marked the "bull's-eye" where the target would be equidistant from each of the snipers, guaranteeing a sure hit.

Twenty metres from the bull's-eye.

"Okay, prepare to fire, on my mark!" whispered Montana. "You guys at the van, get ready to move!" The rifles followed their target as he approached the centre of the ambush. Around the corner, a black van with tinted windows turned on its engine. The rats' ears laid low in anticipation, and the duck's neck arched in silent anger.

Fifteen metres from the bull's-eye.

Moments after The J.A.M. turned into that street, Mary Melody turned the corner and skated down the sidewalk. She was planning to catch up with him and shout to him, and he would then pull to the sidewalk so she would give him his M&M's.

Ten metres from the bull's-eye.

Or perhaps she would follow him to the forest and see where things went from there. The afternoon sun changed her plans abruptly, however. Since the sun was on her left, and she was on the right side of the street, she was skating without any shadows to cover her.

Montana shifted to get a better position, bringing his left arm out to the sunlight.

And on his left wrist, he wore a Rolex.

Nine metres from the bull's-eye.

And for one instant, the glass cover of his watch reflected the sun directly to the sidewalk below.

A small flash above her caught Mary's attention.

She looked up, and saw what appeared to be a black tube.

Eight metres from the bull's-eye.

A white hand was holding the tube.

And the tube was following The J.A.M.'s position.

Seven metres from the bull's-eye.

In one instant, all her blood pooled to her feet, and in the next instant, all her blood boiled with adrenaline as she suddenly shot out to the street, toward the jaguar on his bicycle.

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!"

Six metres from the bull's-eye.

"Huh?" asked Rhubella.

The jaguar heard a female scream behind him. Instinctively, he slowed down, and turned slightly.

He saw Mary Melody skating toward him as if she were trying to set a speed record.

Five metres from the bull's-eye.

Must—skate—faster—

If this had happened in Mexico, he would have said, "She was skating _como alma que persigue el Diablo,_" i.e., "like a soul that the Devil chases."

Four metres from the bull's-eye.

Must—————skate—————faster—————

What was wrong with her?

She screamed again, "JAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!"

Three metres from the bull's-eye.

His nose detected her adrenaline, making his ears lay back.

"WARP! WAAARP! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRPPP!"

Two metres from the bull's-eye.

Must—————————skate——————————faster——————————

She wanted him to warp? Why? He wasn't about to be hit by a car or bus or truck or—

One metre from the bull's-eye.

"Mary?" asked Plucky.

She wasn't sure what powered her legs at that point.

Target inside the bull's-eye.

But she pounced on him.

HARD.

"Fire!"

Suddenly losing his balance, the jaguar toppled to his left. Since he was being held by Mary, he couldn't twist so he would land on his foot-paws. Both landed on their sides, hard, and the bicycle made a resounding WHAM as it also met the pavement.

"Oh (CENSORED)," said Roderick.

The J.A.M. struggled to get Mary off him, and he sat facing her. "Hey, just what the bleep do you think you're doing!" he growled. "Are you trying to get us killed or someth—!"

She just smiled at him, and mumbled, "…they didn't count on my cleverness…"

A black van rolled around the corner, headed toward them in the opposite direction, and a few onlookers began assembling.

And then Mary just zoned out. Her eyes remained open, but they were now unresponsive.

"Abort! Abort! Abort!" hissed Montana. The van revved its engine, passed them, and went on its way.

"Mary?"

No response.

Shifting closer, he asked, "Mary, are you okay? What h—" And then, he noticed something on her shoulders, and on her lower back.

Four darts, embedded in her body.

It was his turn for _his_ blood to pool to his foot-paws.

"Mary?" he asked, fighting the panic that was welling within him. His ears were completely flat with fear, and his fur colour actually paled. He shook her arm a trifle, but she didn't blink. "MARY!" he roared, carefully plucking the darts from her. He kneeled in front of her and gently placed her head on his lap. From that moment, everything seemed to happen in slow motion, for him, at least. Looking up and seeing a small crowd of onlookers, he roared, "SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!" He looked down again, at his human friend, as she lay quietly on his lap, in what he hoped was just a deep sleep…


	13. Diez: How Much Is That Fursuit On

DIEZ - HOW MUCH IS THAT FUR SUIT ON THE PANTHER?

Mary slept quietly on her hospital bed, accompanied by the usual tubes, heart monitor, and brain monitor. Sighing, The J.A.M. and Mary's parents left her room, and the jaguar closed the door. The parents headed for the hospital chapel, but the jaguar remained near the door. Out in the hall, practically all the Tiny Toons were assembled there. Ears were low and tails were still. In front of the crowd were none other than Babs and Buster Bunny, no relation.

Before either of them could ask anything, the panther spoke. "She's still in a coma. The doctors already gave her the tranquilliser antidote, but they're not sure when she'll wake up." He then looked up, and saw Plucky in the back of the crowd. "The quadruple tranquilliser dose that she took for me would have put me out for just a day or two, enough time to skin me alive and ship me back to Mexico. Being human, her body is not as tolerant as a panther's is, so what's considered a 'large' dose for me is a _near fatal dose_ for her." His orange eyes bored into Plucky's. His fur was acquiring a reddish tint again.

"What did the police say?" asked Hamton.

"They took the leads that I gave them. The darts smelled like two rats, one human, and one duck." Plucky began sweating heavily at this. "From the angles the darts hit, the snipers were near the top of the buildings around us. From the accuracy and markings on the street, this was no amateur job, but a military ambush in every aspect." He began padding toward the duck, and continued, "So someone who wants to get rid of me made _sure_ he or she got a professional job to do it. But as Mary said before she fell into a coma," he was now standing right in front of him, "They didn't count on her cleverness."

Plucky suddenly turned away from his face, lowered his neck, and stuttered, "Well, gee! I wonder who it could have been? Not me, no sir, I mean, I don't have the money to get THAT job done, no way, no how."

The J.A.M. didn't buy that, of course. "I think we all know who did it, Mister Duck. Or perhaps Miss Loon should read everyone's mind to make sure who really did it?"

Before Plucky could stutter more excuses, the jaguar suddenly turned to the loon hen, "That is, _if_ that's okay with her. After all, I doubt _you_ want to get rid of me as well, do you?"

Shirley gasped. Did he notice her neck lowering, and her hesitance in agreeing to read Plucky's mind? Did _she_ want him gone as well? Before she could analyse herself, someone began screaming from the end of the hall.

"Let me go, you flea bitten mutt! I can sue the pants off you and everyone here! I'm rich! I don't have to be here!" Everyone turned and saw Calamity and Little Beeper dragging Montana Max down the hall toward the crowd outside of Mary's room. The coyote had his ears flat, tail stiff, fangs bared, and hackles raised, and the roadrunner had his feathers more ruffled than ever.

"None of us are wearing _pantalones_, _idiota_!" hissed Lightning, in his ear. Sneezer and Sweetie were also on his head, pulling his hair in the direction they wanted him to go. Both of the mice's fur was bristling, and their ears were flat with rage. Sweetie's feathers were in a flux as well. The other Tiny Toons parted to let them through, and finally the coyote and roadrunner threw the human at the jaguar's foot-paws.

"Good evening, _Maximiliano_," he growled, making sure the human noticed that, as a Mexican, he didn't like Montana's last name for historical reasons.

The boy scrambled to his feet and hissed himself, "What do you want, wetback?"

For Montana's sake, The J.A.M. ignored that insult and replied, "Nothing much, Mister _Maximiliano_. I just want you to see something."

"See what!" In the next moment, The J.A.M.'s right paw was firmly clamped on Montana's throat, making the human yelp faintly. With his other paw, the jaguar opened the door, and as he stepped in with Montana, he turned to the other "bit players" and said, "Bring him, too." Angrily, the others pounced on Plucky, and dragged him inside as well.

"Hey, no! I'm innocent! I demand a habeas corpus! I demand a lawyer! I demand a phone call! I—" His annoying demands were cut off when he was thrown to the floor of Mary's room. Calamity then shut the door, and stood guard, while the others took their places on the window, ensuring neither of them would try to escape. The J.A.M. shoved Montana away, and shook his scent from his paw.

Montana angrily and nervously rubbed his neck, and turned to the feline. "Well, I'm here. What do you want to show me?"

With a deep and calm voice, but still with bristling fur and twitching tail, the jaguar gestured toward the comatose humanmaid. "I wanted to show you the results of your actions, Mister _Maximiliano_." He then turned to Plucky, "And yours too, Mister Duck. You didn't count on any toon being willing to defend me and risk her life to protect mine, even though I have better defences than she does. Because of you two, Mary Melody is in a coma." His fur was now redder, and he couldn't help but flash his fangs as he said that.

Plucky stood up, and slowly waddled behind Montana. "You can't prove anything," scowled the human. "You don't have witnesses or fingerprints. You erased them all when you pulled off the darts!"

The jaguar remained still and calm, arms crossed, "Mary saw one of you on those buildings. We'll see exactly who she saw the moment she wakes up. As for the fingerprints, they may be lost, but the darts smelled like a human, a duck, and two rats."

"Or maybe it was four rats!" signed Calamity, snarling.

"Besides, Mister Duck here is already willing to confess the whole thing to Miss Loon, aren't you, Mister Duck?" The duck just shook in fear and hid behind Montana, who was now scowling at _him_. The jaguar continued. "The darts and tranquilliser can be traced to their manufacturers and buyers, Mister _Maximiliano_. And I'm sure that any furry toon with a good nose can pick up your scents on those buildings."

The human now began sweating. The evidence _was_ stacked against him. "Okay," he said, trying to keep his cool, but still beginning to pale. "What do you want from me?"

"Well, first of all, I just want to know: do you want my fur that bad?"

Montana looked at him for a moment, and replied, "The price of real fur has gone through the roof, especially that of endangered species like you. You're a walking fortune, jaguar. You may have got away now, but eventually, someone _will_ skin you alive, and it won't necessarily be me. If Elmyra could do it to a cheetah, she can do it to you."

The J.A.M. stood still for a moment, and then said, "So, in summary, this entire mess is because of my fur?"

"Yes."

The jaguar looked into the human's hardened eyes, and declared, "Very well. If you want it that bad, I'm willing to give up my fur, for a price."

"J.A.M., no!" Suddenly, everyone turned.

Mary Melody had awakened at last.

"Mary!" exclaimed the feline. "Lightning, go call the doctor!"

_"¡Si!"_ No sooner had Calamity opened the door a crack when a line of dust shot from the window, through the crack, and down the hall. The canid closed the door again.

The humanmaid ignored that and pleaded again, with a weak voice, "J.A.M., please! Don't give him your fur! He's not worth it!"

Apparently ignoring her, the jaguar turned to the human again. "So my fur is worth a fortune?"

"Yeah, it is. How much do you want?"

"Well, for starters, I would like for _your_ insurance to pay _all_ of Mary's medical expenses."

Montana raised an eyebrow at this, and replied, "Sounds sensible. I can cover that."

"J.A.M., please, DON'T DO IT!" Even Sweetie, Sneezer, and Calamity were adding to Mary's pleas.

"And, to cover _my_ expenses of losing my fur in a cold environment that my species is not native to, I would like ten thousand American dollars, and one cent."

Montana's jaw would have dropped to the floor if he hadn't yelped, "WHAAAA? I'm not going to give you that kind of money!"

"But of course. You'll need that to bail yourself out of jail, _if_ the judge allows that. For ten thousand dollars, I can tell the police that my nose isn't as good as a bloodhound's, which is true."

"J.A.M., please!" signed Calamity. Beeper, meanwhile, couldn't believe the jaguar was willing to do this.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Montana.

"Well, a jaguar's sense of smell isn't as sharp as a dog's. Right now, all I've told the police is that I smelled a human, a duck, and two rats on the darts. If I went to the buildings, I would _also_ smell a human, a duck, and two rats, but I never said _which_ human, duck, or rats I identified. It would be _very_ difficult for me to make a positive identification because I haven't spent that much time around said human, duck, or rats, and believe me, that's the truth. That's shaky evidence that wouldn't hold too well in court, you know. However, if I have enough time on my paws, a line-up of suspects, and if I sniff _very_ carefully—"

"All right, FINE!" yelled Montana. "I'll pay for her expenses, and I'll give you your money!"

"NO!" moaned Mary. But her cries were ignored. And she could do nothing to stop him.

"Do you have the money now?" asked The J.A.M.

"Yes, yes I do." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a huge wad of bills. "Here!" he said as he thrust the money into The J.A.M.'s paw.

"And one cent," added the felid.

Frantically, Montana searched his pockets for the balance, while demanding, "What the (CENSORED) do you need one cent for!"

"To spite you. Why else?"

Montana growled as he continued searching for loose change.

"J.A.M., don't do it!" signed Beeper, to everyone's surprise.

Finally, Montana found the needed coin, and shoved it to the feline. Wordlessly, the jaguar took the coin, relaxed his features, padded into the bathroom, and shut the door. The other "bit players" sighed in defeat, and Mary and Sweetie wept openly, the latter doing it on Sneezer's shoulder. The coyote and mouse drooped their ears and tail, and the roadrunner lowered his neck and tail as well. Five minutes later, The J.A.M. padded out of the bathroom, clad in a very long bathrobe that covered his foot-paws. His head and paws were a furless pink now, and his jaguar fur suit was being held with his left paw. Everyone gasped at the sight, even Montana. He would have looked completely ridiculous if his expression wasn't that of extreme anger. The jaguar padded toward the human, and handed him his fur. At the same time he came out, a human Asian female doctor walked inside the room, with Lightning on her shoulder. One instant later, the Mexican mouse was also shocked by what he saw.

"Take good care of it, Mister _Maximiliano_," said the jaguar. "It took lots of good nutrition and a specialised shampoo to get it that shiny and smooth."

Montana took it, still in shock. "I—I—sure. Does this mean you'll keep quiet?"

Mary slowly shook her head in defeat as she saw all of this.

"_I_ will. I don't know if Mister Duck will, however, if Miss Loon ever _does_ manage to have that talk with him. Or perhaps, whatever conscience he has will eventually make him fess up. And I can't guarantee the police won't find anything by themselves, you know. Not to mention you made a whole lot of toons angry." Mary was just lying there, left out of everything again—

_Again_?

"Oh? You're going to hire others to hunt _me_ now?" he asked, scared and angry.

"Oh, not at all. You see, I'm not the vengeful type, _and_ I got a fair trade for my fur. I can account for my behaviour, and perhaps Calamity's, but I can't guarantee the actions of any other predator in the Looniversity. You'd better stay clean, Mister _Maximiliano_."

No.

Never again.

"Oh yeah? And who's going to make me?" he said to his face.

"I AM."

Everyone turned, and saw Mary Melody sitting up in her bed.

Her eyes were oddly fierce.

"Monty, could you please step closer?" she asked. "I don't think I can talk very loud."

The human smirked at the humanmaid. "_You_ are going to make _me_ stay clean? How do you intend on doing that!"

"Could you please step closer?" she repeated. Montana just stood there in contempt, and would have remained there if it weren't for the fact that the jaguar suddenly grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him to the bed. He yelped and screamed, but suddenly hushed when the front of his shirt was grasped and was brought eye to eye with a _very_ upset humanmaid. He felt the jaguar release him, but for some reason, he couldn't move.

Mary said quietly, yet with a boldness that she had never known, "Monty, we 'bit players' have enough to put up with from the 'good guys' without _you_ causing us more trouble. And now you _have_ caused us more trouble. So be warned that we're _not_ going to put up with you. The J.A.M. is right: he can account for his and Calamity's behaviour, but not of other predators. And you, more than anyone, know that _humans_ are predators as well, so that includes _me_. So he can't account for _my_ behaviour if you, or your hired help, try anything else. From now on, me and my friends here will take The J.A.M. under our wing and we will _all_ look out for him, just as we have looked out for each other. So if anything happens to him, _we_ will be the first to know, and if anything else _does_ happen to him, know that we will go after _you_. And I'll have you know that right now we can take you to court for hunting an endangered species, so be sure to tell your hunting friends that as well! I _saw_ you on that building, Monty."

A cold shiver ran down the boy's back, and he paled at that statement.

After a long and significant pause, Mary added, "J.A.M. may be noble enough to have done business with you out of his own will, but when his fur grows back, we _all_ know you might try something again. Only this time, Monty, he'll be under _our_ protection. So yes, Monty, _this predator_ is going to make you stay clean. If you value your safety, and your stay in the Looniversity, that should be incentive enough."

Montana shivered. She _did_ have a point, but he wasn't going to admit that openly.

"And if you," continued Mary, "or you, Plucky," she looked at the duck for a moment, "or any hired help of yours _ever_ causes more harm to The J.A.M., Calamity, Beeper, Sneezer, Sweetie, or Lightning, I will _personally_ destroy everything that is called," slight pause, "_your face_, _and_ I will skin you alive myself and _feed_ you to every predator in the Looniversity."

The jaguar added, "Or, as we say in Mexico:

_'No responde chipote con sangre,_

_Sea chico o sea grande.'"_

Calamity, Beeper, and Lightning would have chuckled at this if they weren't so shocked at Mary's words, and The J.A.M.'s current furlessness. Montana and Plucky, however, were too frightened at this to even _ask_ for a translation, but even if they had one, they knew it wouldn't be anything comforting.

Mary finished, "You're _not_ going to treat us like dirt, not anymore, Mister Maximilian. Now, get out of here before I call the police and get you arrested for illegal hunting." Both villains gasped, and suddenly shot out of the room, leaving behind two dust trails.

"Panic speed," quipped the jaguar as he saw them leave, "works every time." He then turned and looked at Mary and the doctor who was checking her. "How is she, doc?" he asked.

"She's recovering a bit faster than we expected. Must be a surge of adrenaline that's helping the antidote."

The panther then turned to his human friend, "Mary, th-thanks for all that, but—you really didn't have to say all that to those two."

"Yes, I did!" she exclaimed slightly louder. "I heard you all talking and when you mentioned selling your fur, I _had_ to say something!" She was now crying openly because of what The J.A.M. had done for her—um—them. "J.A.M., you—you didn't have to do this! No amount of money is worth you being humiliated like that! And you know Monty could try again!"

Calamity signed, "I teamed up with Montana a few times before, but I _never_ stooped so low as to demand something like this from ANY toon! Have you any idea how long it will take your fur to grow back?"

"You didn't have to give him your fur, nope nope nope!" sniffed Sneezer.

The J.A.M. looked at them all, and replied calmly, "I didn't."

"Huh?" asked all the "bit players," and the doctor. The jaguar suddenly dropped his robe, not giving anyone time to turn away or cover their eyes—

"You—you still have your fur!" exclaimed Mary, though somewhat weakly. The others, too, saw that he still had his fur _and_ his t-shirt. The J.A.M. then pulled off the pink rubber gloves off his paws, and also pulled off his pink head mask, gently shaking his head fur into place.

As he raised his t-shirt a trifle to stuff everything back into his leather pouch, he explained, "Ever since Miss Duff mentioned she wanted my fur, and seeing that her 'boyfriend' was going to try anything to get it, I bought a fake fur suit at a flea market. I'm glad I cut out the 'Made in Taiwan' tag at the last moment." Once everything was back in his pouch, he straightened his t-shirt, and looked at the others. "Now, those two humans have the matching pyjamas they always wanted. Well, maybe not 100 matched considering that the kid got himself _leopard_ fur, not _jaguar_, but I doubt either of them will notice. Also, if everyone is treating me like a 'bit player', I also doubt anyone will notice that my fur 'grew back' rather quickly, much less that now thanks to you, Mary, Mister _Maximiliano_ will try to stay as far away from me as he can." Mary saw him smile warmly at her, and the rest perked up their ears, straightened their necks, and swayed their tails once more.

"Dat was sneaky, J.A.M.!" squeaked Lightning.

"Well, I got the idea from a Pink Panther cartoon, actually."

The Mexican mouse looked at the American mouse with a stunned take, raised one eyebrow and lowered one ear, and said, "I suspected dat from de beegeenneeng."

The jaguar continued, "And with the money I got, I'll be able to get a satellite dish and maybe put an underground pool at home. I'll invite you all, with no 'stars' to hound us!"

"But how will you keep the 'stars' from finding out about all this?" asked Mary.

He thought for a moment, looked at her, and replied, "Do you think they'll _want_ to know what happened in here?"

Everyone thought for a moment, and all replied/signed in unison, "Naaaahhhh!"

Sweetie then flew up to the doctor and asked, "Well, doc, what's Mary's condition NOW?"

"Stable and progressing. She seems to be okay now, but we'll keep her overnight for observations. Do you want your other friends to know that?"

Friends?

Oh, she meant the "stars."

Mary replied, "Tell them that I'll be okay." She turned to the others and continued, "I should get more attention at school because of this, but I doubt it will last. However, I know _you_ all are my _true_ friends." All the "bit players" then padded/flew up to her bed, and held her hands.

Indeed, this was _true_ friendship.

* * *

Spanish - English

Pantalones - Pants

"No responde chipote con sangre, Sea chico o sea grande." - "He/she won't be held responsible for a bloody bruise, be it big or be it small," rhyme used when the speaker is being deliberately provoked to anger


	14. Once: Commencements

ONCE - COMMENCEMENTS

The next day, Mary stepped out of her room, fully dressed and fully recovered. Her parents were waiting for her in the hall, as was The J.A.M.

"J.A.M.? Shouldn't you be in school?" she asked, noticing that it was a weekday morning.

"Let's just say that Professor Gonzales pulled a few strings," he replied, but he wasn't smiling, and his ears and tail were low. "I—I just wanted to see you all okay now."

It was Mary's turn to sense something amiss. "J.A.M.? What's wrong?"

The jaguar looked down and replied, "A lot of things, actually."

Mary became slightly frightened at this response. She looked up to her parents and asked, "Mom, Dad? Could you go on ahead, please?" Her parents looked at each other, and silently agreed. They walked off, leaving the humanmaid and the feline alone.

She put one hand on his shoulder and asked, "Don't tell me Monty found a way to get his money back."

"No, no, I still have the money. But—perhaps it's not a good idea to invite you all to a pool party." He still wouldn't look up at her.

"Huh? Why?" Slowly, they began walking down the hall, and the panther had his paws behind his back.

"Mary, I—" Oh dear, he was nervous _and_ sad! "I—I'm thinking of transferring out of Acme Looniversity."

She straightened up at this. "WHAT! What on earth for? Don't tell me your grades are falling!"

"My grades are perfect," he replied, still looking down.

"Then what's the problem?"

He sighed, remained quiet for a moment, and replied, "Mary, I had a whole day to think about what happened. Back in Mexico, I didn't have—a lot of friends. Here, I made new friends, and I really like you—uh—you all. I know we need to stick together, but—uh—"

"But what?" She hated the feeling of being unable to help him, especially when he told her the facts so slowly.

"Mary, would you have jumped on me if you weren't my friend?"

She was stunned once again, and after thinking several moments, replied, "Uh—I—I don't know."

"Mary, you forgot to give me some M&M's, and it's because of _candy_ that you saw that I was about to be shot. If we hadn't become friends—well—this wouldn't have happened to you."

This line of logic was disturbing her. Where was he leading to? "So, what are you saying? You don't want to be my friend anymore?"

"Mary—I—I would love——_love_ to remain being your friend, but not—not—" he had to swallow the knot that was forming in his throat, "not if being your friend means making you risk your life like that. Calamity or Beeper may have handled it better, but you—you—had the possibility of _dying_ for me."

Mary was suddenly hit full force with what she had done. What had pushed her into risking her life for him? Would she have done that for any of the others? Or could she have been pushed to do what she did by something _more_ than just a close friendship?

"J.A.M., I—I—I told you, 'bit players' have to stick together." That was what she could come up with, so far.

"But you never had to pull off a stunt like this before, have you?"

"Uh, well, no." And she wondered if the others would ever be in a similar position that the jaguar had been in.

"So basically, _I'm_ the one who upset the balance. I made you all stand out, and because of that, _all_ of us are now Mister _Maximiliano's_ targets. Perhaps—perhaps there _is_ something good about being unnoticed."

Okay, that was just plain WRONG. Her eyes flashed, "J.A.M., please! Do you think that _we didn't_ know there would be risks if we stood out? We've seen the others take blows from villains, and—yes, it kinda caught me by surprise, but—I guess I knew that I had it coming!"

The jaguar sighed, "Mary, it's _me_, don't you get it? Mister Maximiliano would have never tried this on anyone else of you! I think—I think you all would be much safer if I—went back to Mexico. I know I'm not wanted here, and I don't want to cause more trouble, especially for you. I—I really appreciate what you did and said, but—but—I'm not worth that."

What! Was he _rejecting_ her?

"J.A.M., what are you talking about? You're one of the cu—nicest guys I know! If _anyone_ has proven your worth, it's you! You've helped us all so much, _you_ pulled us out of our sulking, and _you_ brought the spotlight to us! And _of course_ the villains aren't going to stay still at that!"

He caught her gaffe, however. "I never considered myself good looking. The fact that I frighten others, including _you_, kinda proves that. I'm flattered that you think highly of me—because I don't. And the rest of the Tiny Toons don't, either. Miss Loon has them all frightened of me because she can sense Something that's beyond her power and ability to know. If they're not scared of me as a predator, they're scared of me because of what they _don't_ know. And right now they all wish they _didn't_ know that they don't know. They all kept their distance from you and the rest, and now that they got closer, the things they learned from us—from me—scared them to death. I've just _unwillingly_ become a troublemaker at school. And I don't want to be a troublemaker, believe me. And seeing the havoc I caused by making friends, I think it's best for everyone if I transfer and start over, and remain a loner. As for me helping you all, maybe I did trigger something to pull you out of sulking, but remember that it was _you_ who put out all the effort. I may have had _some_ ideas, but _you_ worked hard to be funny. _You_ are the one who got rid of the blocks. I was just—just there to help—even if I hadn't shown up—Mary—you're strong and innovative, so I see no reason as to why you couldn't have pulled the group through—all by yourself. If I had never come to this place, you would _still_ have solved the problem, and you would have never ended up in the hospital———which you did———thanks to me."

No, this couldn't be happening! She was about to stop his depressing rant, no matter how logical it sounded, but he continued, "If anyone's a waste of ink and paint—and deserving to be erased—it's———it's _me_, for making you risk your life like that."

Mary didn't know why, but even though he was practically insulting himself now, it felt as if he was insulting _her_! They were now outside the front door of the hospital, on the sidewalk. Both stopped, and looked at each other. His yellow eyes had a tint of red, and it wasn't because he was angry with her, and she knew that. "Thanks for being my friend, Mary, and thanks for saving my hide." He suddenly hugged her tight, and slowly, she brought her arms around him as well. Her eyes began moistening, too. "I—I'll always think of you, and the others." He released her, unwillingly, as she did too. "Your parents need you now. Be happy, and stay loony. Until next time, remember———I AM THE J.A.M.———good evening."

He was too depressed to warp away now, so he just turned around, straightened up as best as he could, and padded down the sidewalk, away from her, from everyone. As he did, Mary's eyes began to water, and for some reason, the end theme of "The Incredible Hulk" began playing in her head. She looked at him sadly as he padded away, out of her life—er—out of everyone's life—no, bleep it, out of HER life!

She thought, _This can't be happening! Why does it hurt **me** so much? Why am I feeling this way about him? Why is it that I can't let him out of my life? Is it because he thinks he's paying back the favour we all did to him?_ He became smaller and smaller as he padded further and further away. His head was somewhat down, his ears were totally flat, and his tail was dragging behind him. _Why am I crying for him? I can't POSSIBLY have any feelings for him! HE'S NOT A **HUMAN**, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Why—why do I need him now, if I'm now as loony as the rest—AND WHERE IS THAT BLEEPING MUSIC COMING FROM?_

She suddenly turned around, and saw Plucky cheesily playing the aforementioned theme on a piano conveniently placed there for this occasion, and he was facing away from her. Huffing, she stomped behind him, trembling with rage. Remembering her lessons, however, she pushed down her anger just enough to focus on thinking "mallet", and then reached behind her back. Sure enough, like a _true_ toon, she pulled a mallet out of nowhere, grabbed it with both hands, and raised it high above her. She waited for Plucky to finish, and with impeccable timing, smashed him, and the piano, flat just as he played the last note. She turned and ran to the parking lot, leaving the duck to his own devices. If Plucky was a _true_ star, he'd be able to get out of that flat take by himself.

When she reached her parents, who were already inside their car, she gasped, "Um, Mom? Dad? I—I think I'll skate home. My b—my friend needs to talk about some stuff." Her parents looked at each other, looked back at her, and nodded. Quickly, she spin-changed into her roller blades, thanking God for learning _that_ trick just in time for this. She still hadn't mastered the Panic Speed Dash, however, so she skated quickly to catch up with him. When she did, she skidded to a stop in front of him, blocking his path.

Before he could say anything, she gasped, "J.A.M.—(huff—!—puff—!)—if—if you go—I'll—(huff—!—puff—!)—go with you!"

The jaguar raised his head and could only say, _"¿Qué?"_

"You—(huff—!—puff—!)—heard me! I—(huff—!—puff—!)—always said—(huff—!—puff—!)—'I've gotta transfer Looniversities'—(huff—!—puff—!)—but now—(huff—!—puff—!)—you gave me a reason—(huff—!—puff—!)—to stay!"

"But Mary, you already removed the mental blocks and learned how to be funny and loony! You don't need me anymore! What other reason could you have?"

She waited a trifle for her breathing to return to normal, and she looked into his orange eyes, and said, "_You_ are my reason. I—I—need you, J.A.M."

The jaguar's jaw dropped to the sidewalk with a resounding CLANG.

(CLANG!)

See what I mean?

She was a trifle shocked when she saw this, but then the jaguar grabbed his tail and turned it like a crank, lifting his jaw back. She helped him by holding his jaw straight and making sure it returned to the correct position. "Let me guess: no one has ever told you that before?" Still unable to speak, the feline shook his head. "Look, J.A.M., I'm not afraid of you anymore, and that's because I _know_ you now. The others will remain scared because of what they know, what they _don't_ know, and what they don't _want_ to know. And you know something? The bleep with them! I know the truth—and—I found something no one else has. And if I risked my life to save yours, it could be because _you're_ not a waste of ink and paint—and because—because I feel—feel—deeply for you———and I'd do it again! Uh—I _am_ just a little bit scared, you know. I—I never felt this way about anyone, much less a _non-human_."

He straightened his ears at this. "What? Don't tell me someone as hot as you never had a boyfriend before!"

Hot? He thought she was hot?

"I—uh—no—I haven't," she blushed, placing her hands behind her, and looking at her feet. "And believe me, I've looked. At the last school dance, I had to date an _extra_ just so I wouldn't show up alone. And—and—you think I'm hot?" She looked up at him, shyly.

His spots began turning red, and it was now his turn to look down, "Yes. I—I sorta felt the same way for you too, but I—pushed those feelings down because I—I thought you'd never feel that way about me _precisely_ because of our species difference—and I _honestly_ thought you already had a boyfriend, at first. Seeing that you didn't, well, I _still_ tried to push down my hopes. I'm someone who always gets overlooked, even for a 'bit player'—say, shouldn't you be with your parents?" He looked around, searching for them.

She held his furry cheek with her hand to look at his eyes. His fur felt electric to her fingers, and he thought her fingers brought electron flow to his fur as well. "I—I told them I needed to talk with you. It's okay, we can walk home if you like. It isn't that far."

With that said, they both turned and started skating/padding together, and she reached for his left paw and held it firmly. His warm and furry paw caused her to shiver slightly, but she didn't mind.

He, too, felt a trifle light-headed with this, but didn't mind that either. His tail lifted off the sidewalk, swaying slightly again.

"Where's your bicycle?"

"Well, I thought it was going to rain today, so I left it at my house. Your parents gave me a ride to the hospital."

"Oh." They skated/padded a bit more, and Mary asked, "J.A.M., you never had a girlfriend at all?"

He sighed. "No."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yes. Like I told you, I'm simply not a male that gets noticed. Back in Mexico, there have been one or two that more or less had their eye on me at first, but when they got to know me better they simply lost interest. That very much proved to me that there is no such thing as 'love at first sight'."

Mary turned to him, very surprised. "You don't believe in 'love at first sight'?"

He turned to her. "Well, let me ask you something: did _you_ fall in love with me the moment you saw me?"

She flinched at that question, and replied sheepishly, "Um—no. I was—I was—I felt—scared. And angry," she stuttered. "You weren't human, and—and—it's just that most of the 'stars' around here _aren't_. There aren't many toons here I can relate to, and you kinda shoved that in my face, you know."

He looked ahead again, ears beginning to lower again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Oh, but it wasn't your fault!" she exclaimed. "It wasn't you, it was me! We didn't know each other—back then."

He just sighed. "There you go, then. There is no such thing as 'love at first sight', not _true_ love, anyway. There's _infatuation_ at first sight, but if it starts suddenly, it can end suddenly. I've seen it happen again and again. That's another reason why I never took personally anything that Mademoiselle LaFume told me. If she did that to everyone, then it was obvious that she had a problem. And let me tell you something: any guy _without_ morals, ethics, and/or a sense of smell would have probably grabbed her and carried her to the nearest back seat of a car."

"And you're not 'any guy', right?"

"Right. It's nearly impossible to hold back, of course, but I _will_ emphasise the word 'nearly'."

"Well, let me tell you something, snookums—"

Snookums?

His ears straightened at that.

"—that's another reason why I don't want you to leave. Fifi and all those other girls made a BIG mistake in rejecting you. There's so much more to you than what the others see. If Babs would have been friendlier and got to know you better, besides the rest of us, I think Buster might have had serious competition."

He turned to her and questioned, "Babs is the pink rabbit, right?"

"Right."

"YES!" he exclaimed, glad that he finally got a name right. "You want Miss Bunny to drop her boyfriend and fall in love with me, then?"

"NO! I mean—no."

He turned ahead again. "Good. I'd hate to come between those two. They seem happy just as they are."

They skated/padded in silence some more, and then he asked her, "Well?"

"Well what?"

"You said it wasn't love at first sight, and that I scared you at first, and now I don't. What made you change your mind?"

She ransacked her brain for an answer for a while, and finally replied, "I—I don't know. Sure, I was scared at first, but that was out of instinct. But then you showed us that you were a caring toon. You protect your friends, you're not out to prove how macho you are, you're not 'any guy'—you—are just someone with so many hidden—wonderful things—and—and—I guess that I would like to get to know them better—to know _you_ better."

He raised an eyebrow for a moment, and asked the ultimate question. "Does that mean that you're in love with me now?"

Mary was speechless again, and as she tried to find words as to how she felt for him, she squeezed his paw.

He looked ahead and continued, "It's—it's okay if you're not. Don't say anything you don't mean. Falling in love is not something that _just happens_ to you, it's a choice you make. It was hard for me, but I chose not to fall in love with you when I first saw you because I didn't want to get yet another broken heart, much less to break _your_ heart." He looked at her, and saw that she was still trying to reply. "Mary, it's okay. You don't have to answer now. Since you want to get closer, well, it's important that first we both know just what exactly it is that we feel for each other. So what do you say we start things slow, and go on from there?"

Mary closed her mouth and shut her eyes, still trying to think. Finally, she opened them again, looked at him, and replied, "J.A.M., all I know is that I always want you near me, and I couldn't _bear_ to see you leave like that. You gave me a reason to stay in the Looniversity, and—and—right now, I don't ever want to let you out of my sight or my mind. If _that_ is what falling in love is, then so be it. I know that I didn't feel like this when I first saw you, but as I got to know you, I got these feelings that began growing, and are _still_ growing. J.A.M., I _want_ to fall in love with you. Do—do you want to fall in love with me?"

He sighed, lowered his ears and tail, and looked down, "I've wanted to more than you can imagine. And I suppose I'm a bit scared as well. I—I never felt so intensely like this before about _anyone_, much less a human female. Mary, I've never _truly_ fallen in love before, but if you're willing to give me a chance, then—" he looked at her, "—then I'd—I—I'm willing."

Something exploded inside the humanmaid at this point, as if everything was right with the universe now. "Okay, but like you said, let's take things slow, and go on from here, and—" brown eyes looked into orange eyes again, "—and we can start with me thanking you—for staying here with us———with me—————"

Both stopped, and she let go of his paw. Gently, she put her right arm around his shoulder, and pulled him close. His ears lowered just a trifle more, but his tail was twitching. Both closed their eyes, and their lips softly touched.

It was a very light and short kiss, but that didn't stop either of them from feeling and hearing fireworks, and that was because Calamity had conveniently set off a small display of pyrotechnics at this point. He looked at the couple from across the street, and smiled.

This was certainly going to bring good things.


	15. Epilogo Uno: Recognition

EPÍLOGO UNO - RECOGNITION

A secretary, a lavender female rabbit, textile-free save for a scrunchie on the base of her ears, sat at her desk outside a doctor's office. She looked up when she saw the door open and a purple skunkmaid enter rather shyly. Carefully, the memphitid closed the door, and padded slowly to the desk. The patient's gaze was down, as were her ears and tail, as if she were afraid of something, or someone.

"May I help you?" The doe's sudden question startled the skunkmaid, and she fidgeted for a moment or two. After trying to calm her nerves for a minute, she raised her gaze slightly, and replied, _"Oui, j'ai un rendez-vous avec—"_ She shuddered for a moment, forcibly switching her speech patterns from French to English. She always reverted to her native tongue whenever she was nervous. "Um, _pardon_, but—Ah—Ah 'ave ze—appointment—wiz ze doctor."

Mechanically, the secretary reached for her Rolodex and asked, "I see. And your name is—?"

The skunkmaid stuttered, "L-LaFume."

The secretary raised one eyebrow when she found the appropriate card.

"Ah, yes, you're just in time, Mademoiselle LaFume," she replied, smiling and looking up at her. She then pressed a button on her intercom and said, "Doctor, your four o'clock appointment is here."

A female voice crackled back, "Okay, send her in."

The secretary looked up and stated, "The doctor will see you now." Nervously nodding, Fifi padded toward the door. "Bon jour." The skunkmaid suddenly whirled toward the smiling doe again, startled at the French phrase. Sighing forcefully, Fifi turned and continued. She practically had to drag herself to the door and carefully reach for the doorknob, almost as if it was going to shock her. But it didn't. Slowly, she opened the door.

Inside, the doctor was at her desk. She was a brown cat with black curly hair, somewhat plump, and with spectacles on her nose. Like every other doctor, she was clad in a long white lab coat. She looked up when Fifi slowly entered. Carefully, the memphitid closed the door again, and padded up to the doctors' desk.

"And what seems to be the problem?" asked the feline, smiling a trifle.

_"Je m'appelle—"_ Again, Fifi shivered, trying to think straight, and to speak more or less coherently and in _English_, so the doctor would be able to understand her problem. "Ah mean—uh—doctor—my name—my name—"

"Yes?" asked the cat lady, perking up her ears and leaning closer.

"My name—my name—ees Fifi LaFume—" Collapsing into the seat in front of the desk, she broke down in sobs, hid her face with her paws, and confessed, "—and Ah 'ave ze 'ormonal problem…"


	16. Epilogo Dos: Serenata

EPÍLOGO DOS - SERENATA

It was a clear night in Acme Acres. Two toons padded to the side of a building; to the alley that was under the fire escape. Well, one was doing all the padding, and the other was standing on the head of the first toon. The J.A.M. looked at his watch.

20:00

"Okay, she should be done with her homework now," he told Lightning, who was standing on his head and holding a mouse-sized guitar. "Now, remember. She's an American, so this is most likely her first serenade ever, so we gotta make this good, you hear?"

"Okay," replied the rodent. "So what songs do joo want to seeng?"

The jaguar thought for a moment, and replied, "Well, perhaps we should start with something that _we_ know. Maybe give her a taste of where _we_ come from. Something, well, _autochthonous_."

Lightning lowered his ears, looked down at him for a moment, and asked, "Otto-what?"

_"Autóctono,"_ he translated.

"Oh, okay! No problem!" He then tuned his guitar for a moment, and strummed a few chords, before looking up to a particular window, and singing,

_"¡Ay, ay, ay ay!"_

Recognising the song, The J.A.M. also looked up and joined in,

_"¡Canta y no llores!_

_Porque_

_Cantado se ALEGRAN, Cielito Lindo,_

_¡Los corazones!"_

"Now, waittaminute;" he interrupted. Lightning stopped playing, and looked down. "We both know that's a great song, but unfortunately, we haven't—"

He hushed when he realised that he was hearing a very whiny fiddle _still_ playing the instrumental version of "Cielito Lindo". Then they both looked to their left and saw none other than Droopy, dressed as a bullfighter, sawing slowly on his fiddle. Both Mexicans looked at each other, and then the jaguar's fur turned slightly red, he flattened his ears, and took a few steps back, apparently letting Droopy have the floor. Moments later, a swift kick sent the dog flying to the next county.

"Hey, I tought joo deedn't play sports!" exclaimed Lightning.

"I don't," he replied, taking his place again and relaxing his features.

"Don't tell me joo _deedn't_ learn dat keeck from soccer!"

"I didn't. Bicycling also gives you good legs, you know." He thought for a moment, and then asked Lightning, "What was I talking about?"

The mouse repeated, "'We botth know dat's a grett song, bott unforchoonattly, we haven't…'"

"—We haven't—!" he suddenly picked up, "—mastered the art of subtitles just yet, so Mary won't have any idea of what we're saying if we sing in Spanish. We need to sing something she can understand. You know, something she can identify with." Lightning thought for a moment again, and strummed his guitar on a lower note and a slower tempo. Then he sang,

_"Hey—ey—ey—ey!"_ The jaguar joined in,

_"Hey—ey—ey!_

_I said 'Hey!_

_What's going on!'"_

Lightning tried to continue,

_"And I said hey—"_

"Hold it." The mouse stopped again, lowering his ears. "Maybe it should be something deeper. Perhaps, you know, something that will tell her who I _really_ am."

Without missing a beat, Lightning raised his ears again and sang,

_"De wonderful teeng about Teeggers!_

_Ees Teegers are wonderful teengs!_

_Deir—"_

"NO!" growled The J.A.M., flattening his ears and bristling his fur. His tail twitched in annoyance as well. "I'm not a stuffed Tigger, I'm a JAGUAR, _tonto_! Try again. Something that tells her who _I really am_."

Lightning took a deep breath, and strummed at the beat of the song,

_"Hey!_

_Hey!_

_Hey-hey-hey!_

_Macho, macho maaaaaan!_

_I gat to be—"_

"NOOOOO!" he practically roared, his fur now turning red and his tail looking like a brush. "Now quit fooling around!" The jaguar breathed heavily for a moment, and calmed down. "Let's try something easier for you. How about a song that says who _Mary_ really is? And no jokes, compadre!"

Lightning decided to give his friend a break, and played another instrumental, this time a trifle long before he launched,

_"Pretty woman, walkeeng down de street,"_

The jaguar reset his features and joined him, looking to her window and swaying to the music,

_"Pretty woman, the kind I'd like to meet,_

_Pretty woman—"_

"Hold it." Lightning was about to start the next line, but it was too late. "Look. That's a good one, but somehow it just doesn't feel right. Ummm, let's see. Try a song that will tell her just how _she_ makes _me_ feel."

Lightning looked down at him for a moment, lowered his ears in annoyance, looked up again, and played something hard and rhythmic. He sang,

_"Deezy!_

_Deezy!"_ His friend joined in, swaying again,

_"Dizzy!_

_I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning!_

_Like a whirlpool, it never ends!_

_And it's you girl who's making it spin!_

_You're making me—"_

"Waittaminute." Once again, Lightning stumbled to a stop. _His_ tail was twitching now. "I think Mary already knows how she makes me feel, but I _know_ that _she's_ not so sure about what _she_ feels. Let's try something that can help her figure out just how _she_ feels _about_ me." Lightning smirked, and strummed rhythmically again, and shouted,

_"Oh, Meecky, joo're so fine,_

_Joo're so fine joo blow my mind—_

_Hey, Meecky! Hey, Meeck—!"_

"NOOOO!" he interrupted, his features angering again. "And my name's not Mickey! Look, Lightning, I'm not sure you're getting the right idea for this. Maybe you should try a song that can hint what we _both_ want. You know, a song that can say what we _both_ truly feel for each other."

Lightning wiped his paws on his shirt for a moment, thinking about this particular request. Suddenly a light bulb popped over his head as his face lit up and his ears straightened again. He had the perfect song now,

_"I saw joo and joo saw me—" _The J.A.M. joined in again, with calm features now,

_"And I didn't even know your name._

_Just one look—that was all it took,_

_And I knew I'd never be the same."_ They paused for a moment, and continued,

_"If walking on air compares to what I feel—"_

_"What I'm feeleen'—"_ sang the mouse.

_"Then how can I keep it sealed when—_

_I wanna tell the world!_

_If the smile on my face_

_Hasn't given me away—already—"_

"Wait, wait, wait," The mouse stumbled to a halt again, now more than slightly annoyed, as his ears and tail showed. "Sorry, Lightning, but somehow this just isn't working. All those are nice songs, but—well, I guess they're all pre-assembled, you know? I suppose—I suppose I want Mary to hear it straight from _me_. You know, a song that _I_ can come up with."

"But J.A.M., joo don't have enny songs of joor own!"

"No, but perhaps we can improvise."

"Eemprovise?" asked the Mexican mouse, raising his ears.

"Sure. Look, I know I'm not good at writing music, much less playing the guitar. However, I _am_ good at verses. And you're good at improvising with music, right?"

"Right."

"Okay, okay, then! This is what we'll do: I'll say a verse, and you repeat it while putting it to music. Can you do that?"

The mouse sighed and thought again. It was the first time someone had asked him to use this particular talent, so he smiled and replied, "Joo bet I can!"

"Hey, great! Now, start with something romantic, and slow. Then I'll begin, and you sing what I say." He then set off the tempo, _"¡Y uno, y dos, y tres!"_

Lightning then strummed and fingered an improvised slow tune, which hinted of Mexican romantic music. Both looked up, and saw that Mary was now at her window, looking down at them. How long had she been listening? Well, now that they were both sure they had her attention, they _had_ to do this right. Once The J.A.M. assimilated the rhythm, he began,

"For being a bouquet of roses." Lightning sang loud,

_"For beeng a bookay of roses,"_

"For being sweetness so true,"

_"For beeng sweetness so troo,"_ Gesturing toward her, the jaguar declared,

"For being a nest of tenderness,

Oh, Mary, I love you." And Lightning sang,

_"For beeng a nest of tenderness,_

_O, Mery, I lovv joo."_ He then waited for The J.A.M.'s next line, but it never came. Stopping the music and looking down, he saw that the jaguar had his arms crossed, his ears were down, he was tapping his right foot-paw impatiently, and he was looking at him with slight annoyance. Realising his mistake, Lightning started the music again and corrected,

_"Um, o Mery, **he** lovvs joo."_ Nodding at his correction, the jaguar relaxed and continued,

"Love me like I love thee."

_"Lovv heem like he lovvs—"_ Suddenly Lightning stopped the music again, looked down, and asked, "'Dee'?" Quickly, The J.A.M. explained in a whisper,

"Yes, 'thee' and 'thou' is the old way of saying 'you'. 'Thy' and 'thine' are 'your' and 'yours'."

Lightning nodded, looked up again, and sang,

_"Lovv heem like he lovvs joo."_

"And everyone will envy our love."

The mouse hesitated for a moment, and in a flash reformatted the line,

_"And—uh—all of us weell envy de lovv joo have."_ The J.A.M. appeared to ignore that, because he continued,

"Oh, my love, my Mary."

_"Oh, hees love, hees Mery."_

"My brightest diamond."

_"Hees brightest—joor-amond."_ This raised an eyebrow on the jaguar, but he continued anyway,

"My thousand stars, thou will be forever in my mind."

_"Hees joo-sand stars, joo will be forever een hees—hees-nd."_ Oh well, at least Mary is hearing _both_ of them and not just the mouse.

"Won't thou come down?"

_"Wonn't joo comm June—I meen—Mery?"_

"Because I want thou near me."

_"Beecause he wants Junior—eh—Mery heem."_

"Fear not this diabolic world."

_"Feer not dees joor-aboleec world."_

"Our might will quash it, it won't have us bound!"

_"Joor—hees-t weel quash eet, eet won't have joo two bound!"_

Up at the window, Mary was covering her mouth, trying not to guffaw at their gaffes. By now, however, The J.A.M. was not really paying attention to Lightning and was really into the poem, as it was evident from the next verse,

"Thou are so deep in my heart,"

_"Joo are so deep—"_ Suddenly he interrupted Lightning and continued,

"I don't know if I'm either mine or thine."

_"Joo are so deep—"_

"If thou would love me the way that I love thee." Lightning tried to sing, but the jaguar wouldn't pause. He flattened his ears and squeaked lightly in panic.

"That which is mine would become thine, and ours!

And it would become the object of envy for them and all!" Lightning frowned, stiffened his tail, looked down at the jaguar for a moment, looked up again, and just sang,

_"Lovv heem!"_ The J.A.M. caught his mistake, looked up at Lightning and mouthed an apology. He let the mouse play a brief instrumental while both relaxed their features and assimilated the rhythm again. Then, the jaguar continued,

"Thou art my stamina."

_"Joo are heestameena."_

"My jubilee."

_"Hees dou Beelly—um—dou, Mery."_

"Please descend, and share thy gifts, more so those which are thine innate."

_"Pleese deescend, and share joor geefts, more so dose wheech are jooreenate."_

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" roared the jaguar, his features instantly angering, at this unspeakable slip.

Lightning just smiled and repeated at the beat,

_"Nooooo—wo—"_

The feline clenched his fists, puffed up his tail, and growled, "You dummy!"

The mouse just looked up and sang,

_"Dou dummy!"_

He was now trembling with rage, and his fur was turning red, almost blotting out his black spots, "You idiot!"

_"Dou eedeeot!"_

The J.A.M. then mumbled something in Spanish that Mary couldn't hear, and silently brandished a mallet from behind him. Since Lightning was standing on his head, he caught the comment loud and clear, and sang/translated,

_"Son of my modder—"_

In a flash, The J.A.M. slammed the mallet on Lightning, but the mouse was too quick. Jumping off at the last moment, the jaguar ended up bashing his own head instead. Pulling the mallet off a moment later, his head popped out from inside his chest, and Lightning landed on it again. Little mice twirled around the panther's head, but vanished after a moment. He sighed in resignation, relaxed his ears, tail, and fur, and set the mallet on the ground. Then, he gently picked Lightning off his head, who was still strumming happily on his guitar, and set him down on the ground. He turned and was about to pad away, but at that moment, his eyes rolled up into his head, and with a double thud, he fell forward, spread-eagle. Lightning ended his song in beat to the double thud. Seeing this, Mary gasped, jumped out the window, and bounced down the fire escape. This evening, she was clad in her orange dress shirt, red bow, and blue jeans. Moments later, she was beside the felled feline.

"Oh dear, I hope he's not seriously hurt."

"Oh, don't worree, Mery. He's jost crazee for joo." Looking down at him, he added, "Do joo want to coll de guys to take heem homm?"

Home?

Mary looked up for a moment, pondering her options, and then smiled. She stood up straight, pulled out a remote control, and stepped away from The J.A.M. She then pressed a button on the remote, and moments later a 500 ton weight fell out of nowhere, right on top of the furry toon, with a CLANG that resounded all over the alley.

(CLANG!)

See?

The weight instantly flattened him, except for his head. His eyes bulged as he forcibly exhaled. _"Ay," _he whispered with a clearly strained effort.

Smiling, Mary pressed another button, and then a winch came down from nowhere and lifted the weight out of everyone's way. Education works wonders, she thought. When it had cleared, she walked behind the jaguar.

Raising one eyebrow and lowering his ears a trifle, Lightning asked, "What are joo goeeng to do weeth heem?"

Smiling again, Mary rolled up The J.A.M., like a carpet, and lifted him on her left shoulder. "Well, you know that Elmyra and Monty always wanted those matching pyjamas?"

"Jess?"

She chuckled a trifle, and explained, "Well, I always wanted an exotic rug." She turned and walked back to the front of her building.

"Joo meen he's goeeng to stay weeth joo all night?"

She turned and replied, "Well, yes, but in this situation, I don't think he'll mind sleeping on the floor."

Lightning raised his ears and chuckled a trifle, calling out as she left, "He he! I don't teenk _joo'll_ mind dat, eeder!"

Turning at him again, she smirked and stuck out her tongue at him, but smiled again as she turned and headed to the door. "Good evening, Lightning."

"Good eeveneeng, Mery."

Before she walked into the front door, Mary turned and looked at the camera, and commented with a wink, "It's okay, guys, my parents are home." With that, she carried him inside, the door closed behind her, and the screen irised out on the door.

* * *

Spanish - English

Qué - What

"¡Ay, ay, ay ay! - Oh, wo, wo, wo!

¡Canta y no llores! - Sing and don't cry!

Porque - Because

Cantado se ALEGRAN, Cielito Lindo, - Singing, THEY REJOICE, Cielito Lindo (term of endearment: "Nice Little Heaven"),

Los corazones!" - The hearts!"

Tonto - Fool

"¡Y uno, y dos, y tres!" - "And a one, and a two, and a three!"

Ay - Ow (normally a cry of pain, sometimes used poetically)

* * *

THE END / DAS ENDE / DIE EINDE / EINDE / EL FIN / O FIN / LE FIN / IL FINE / SFIRSIT / KONIEC / KONEC / BEIGAS / LOPPU / TELOS / SOF / TAMAT / LIAU LIAU / DANEH O' / WAN-LE / OWARIMASU / SLUTT / SLUT / UXUL 


	17. Encore

ENCORE

The audience cheered and clapped as the camera zoomed out of the front door of the apartment building. Then, the door opened, and two humans walked out, hand in hand, with the door closing automatically behind them. The audience cheered harder (and a few even boo'ed) as two subtitles appeared in front of the humans:

Danny Cooksey

Cree Summer Franks

Montana Max and Elmyra smiled, bowed, and walked to the right.

Suddenly the door burst open. Prancing out, a purple skunkmaid generated more cheers and wolf calls as she blew kisses to the audience.

Kath Soucie

Fifi LaFume took a bow with a flourish of her luscious tail, and skipped to the right to join the humans.

The door opened again, and two avians waddled out, smiling and taking a bow as the audience cheered:

Joe Alaskey

Gail Matthius

Plucky and Shirley raised their wings, and also waddled off to the right.

Then, a young coyote and roadrunner padded out, smiling. The audience cheered for them as their names appeared:

Calamity Coyote as Himself

Little Beeper as Himself

They both took a bow, and padded to the left this time, clearing the front door again. However, it didn't open. Instead, a pink canarymaid flew down from the building, carrying a young mouse on her feet. They couldn't bow, so they just smiled, and the mouse waved at everyone. The audience cheered for them as well:

Candi Milo

Kath Soucie

Sweetie flew Sneezer to the left and landed in front of Calamity and Beeper.

The door opened one more time, and a very fast young mouse zoomed out and suddenly stopped in front of the door, vibrating momentarily as he halted.

Luke Ruegger

Lightning bowed, accepting the increased cheers, but then he suddenly straightened up, raising an index digit, with an expression of suddenly having remembered something. He zoomed back inside the building, and moments later he zoomed back out, carrying a flattened and rolled-up jaguar. The audience laughed, and even more when Calamity padded up with a large gas tank and a long hose attached to the valve on top of it. He stuck one end of the hose to the jaguar's mouth, and opened the valve on the tank. The jaguar's cheeks puffed out as he inflated, involuntarily unrolling as he filled out. But Calamity didn't shut off the valve when he finished unrolling. Instead, he opened the valve all the way, making the jaguar swell like a balloon, and making his colouring shiny and less intense as he stretched more and more. Even his whiskers puffed out ridiculously as his body began floating. Guffaws were now coming from the toons as well as from the audience. Suddenly, the air hose popped out of the jaguar's mouth, and with a cacophonic "raspberry," he whirled all over the place as he deflated. A few seconds later, all the excess air was gone and he fell to the ground, arms crossed. One instant before his head hit the ground, however, he stopped in mid-air with a light tire screech sound, flipped 180 degrees, and landed softly on his foot-paws. The audience cheered for him as he raised his paws and tried to catch his breath.

The J.A.M. as Himself

He took a quick bow and hurriedly padded to the left. Extending his arms toward the door, it opened for the last time. Smoke billowed out and spotlights flashed on the doorway. A drum roll hushed everyone, but then everyone laughed as the drum rolled in front of the door, and then out of everyone's way.

This time, the cheers and standing ovation was deafening as a young African-American humanmaid slowly walked out, tears in her eyes.

and Cree Summer Franks as Mary Melody!

Humbled and surprised, all she could do was bow and blow light kisses to the audience, and wave her hands high. Even the "bit players" were clapping and whistling for her as they all padded behind and around her. Mary's tears of joy would not stop. Turning to the jaguar, she suddenly hugged him tight. Then, she and all the "bit players" stood across the front of the building, hand/wing/paw in hand/wing/paw: Lightning Rodriguez, Little Sneezer, Sweetie Bird, Little Beeper, Mary Melody, The J.A.M., and Calamity Coyote. They took one last bow as the audience now threw flowers at Mary and the rest.

At this point, Dot Warner, wearing a sparkling blue gown, padded in from the left and handed Mary a bouquet of roses. Taking a bow herself and accepting the cheers and applause the audience gave her, she calmly left as suddenly as she entered.

And again, the crowd chanted, "MARY! MARY! MARY! MARY! MARY!"

With all this, Mary could only say one last thing: "THANK YOU! GOOD NIGHT! WE LOVE YOU! GOD BLESS YOU! GO WITH GOD!"

The lights went out, and the cheers and applause faded away after a long while…


	18. Credits And Bloopers

CREDITS AND BLOOPERS

The reason why I have Calamity and Little Beeper as Mexicans is because in the episode "Piece of Mind", written by Jim Reardon, at the beginning of Calamity's flashback, the mailbox in front of his lair reads "Los Coyotes". Since Little Beeper was born in that area as well, he also qualifies for Mexican citizenship.

* * *

Slamming her locker shut slightly harder than usual, Mary Melody trudged toward her next class— 

—and the locker opened again.

"CUT!" Mary suddenly turned and saw it, and chuckled.

* * *

The Tiny Toons characters were created by Tom Ruegger, Glen Kennedy, Dave Marshall, Ken Boyer, and Rich Arons, I think.

Hamton J. Pig, however, was created by Jeff Pidgeon.

Hubie and Bertie were created by Charles Martin "Chuck" Jones.

Kwicky Koala and Droopy were created by Tex Avery.

Bombino's Pizza was originally created by Sherry Stoner.

Bugs Bunny was created by Tex Avery.

Sniffles was created by Chuck Jones.

Bosko was created by Hugh Harman and Rudy Ising, a.k.a., "Harman-Ising".

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner were created by Tom Ruegger.

* * *

He padded to the frame, lowered his ears, put his notebook in his jaws, stood on his toes, and stretched as high as he could. He extended his claws, and scratched the frame several times—

—and stopped, for some reason. He then pulled his left paw a bit, and declared with a strange voice, "Ugh, I am stuck!" Then with his normal voice, "Um, cut, I guess. A little help here?"

* * *

All characters are © Warner Brothers/Amblin Entertainment (and used without permission, but it's doubtful that they mind) EXCEPT FOR:

Kwicky Koala, who is © Hanna-Barbera Productions.

Street Hawk is © Glen Larson Productions/Universal.

Droopy, who is © Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

and The J.A.M. and Cygmon, who are © The J.A.M.

* * *

He pulled out a pair of spectacles, placed them on his nose, held the note in front of him, and read, imitating Bugs, "Ehh, youse mices bedda make arrangements for da new transfer student." Bertie smiled and suddenly held his mouth shut, making Hubie smile. "All his documents are in ordah," he began chuckling, "and he's reddy t—PA HA HA HA HA HA!" The entire class laughed too, especially when Hubie whacked him anyway.

The jaguar peeked from the door, smirked, looked at the camera, and just sighed, "Cut…"

* * *

The jaguar looked at the mice, and declared emotionlessly, "Good evening."

At which the mice spat and began laughing again, making the class laugh too. Sighing, the jaguar just turned and made the "cut" gesture with his digits.

* * *

Props by Acme Co.

Bicycle furnished by Montero.

Mary Melody's wardrobe furnished by Oscar de la Renta.

The J.A.M.'s wardrobe furnished by Yazbek, and Casio.

Montana Max's wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin, and Rolex.

M&M's furnished by Mars.

Yoghurt furnished by Yoplait.

* * *

"What? Shirley, don't tell me you didn't notice the way he was looking at us with that hungry mouth of his—er, eyes! Yeah! Hungry—" By now, the class was laughing again, and the jaguar was padding backward to his initial position.

"CUT," was all he could say, through his teeth.

* * *

Ballistics consultant: Kevin "HKU" Mickel.

* * *

Hubie continued with, "Exactly. Twin or Parallel personalities in the partnership are possible, like you saw with Mac and Tosh, but that combination practically _always_ needs a strong villain in order to have balance, since the partnership functions as one person, almost. Also, Plucky," the duck snapped to attention again, "you're right. A sidekick should always hold the cue cards correctly for scenes like this and—"

"CUT!" roared the panther.

* * *

This was confusing the jaguar. "Huh—? I'm—not—wearing———any——!—things—" Elmyra shook her head and chuckled, "—of that—sort! Um, cut. From the top, guys!"

* * *

At this question, everyone in the cafeteria hushed and leaned toward the "bit players'" table to listen to the answer, including the cafeteria workers.

Noticing this, the panther lowered his features in slight fright, and replied, "When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen." Everyone "sheeshed", and straightened up.

"Okay, cut."

* * *

Original casting by Steven Spielberg.

Additional casting by The J.A.M.

Voice direction by Andrea Romano.

Mary Melody is Cree Summer Franks

Buster Bunny is Charles Adler

Babs Bunny is Tress MacNeille

Bugs Bunny is Noel Blanc

Hubie Mouse is also Noel Blanc

Bertie Mouse is also Noel Blanc

Elmyra Duff is also Cree Summer Franks

Plucky Duck is Joe Alaskey

Shirley The Loon is Gail Matthius

Lightning Rodriguez is Luke Ruegger

Calamity Coyote is Himself

Little Beeper is Himself

Hamton J. Pig is Hadley Kay

Fifi LaFume is Kath Soucie

The News Announcer is Wolf Blitzer

Sniffles Mouse is also Noel Blanc

Bosko the Vault Keeper is Carman Maxwell

Roderick Rat is also Charles Adler

Rhubella Rat is also Tress MacNeille

The Doctor is Susan Blu

Leloni Bunni is Herself

The Incredible Werekitty is Herself

Dot Warner is also Tress MacNeille

and

The J.A.M. is Himself

* * *

"Good evening."

She nearly threw her milkshake to the ceiling upon hearing that—and she did, actually. Moments later, it fell right on the jaguar's head, drenching him. Everyone laughed, but then Mary squealed as The J.A.M. stood, leaned over, grabbed her, and gave her a messy kiss on the lips.

He then released her, and as he padded off, he mumbled, "Cut…"

* * *

Special appearances by Leloni Bunny as the rabbit secretary, and Rottin Kid/Werekitty as the feline doctor.

Hamton J. Pig appears courtesy of Oscar Meyer, Inc.

Vinnie The Deer does _not_ appear in this fanfic courtesy of Kevin Mickel.

* * *

The jaguar thought about this, straightened his ears, and stood to face the "bit players"—

(THUD!)

And slammed his thigh on the desk.

"Ouch," he hissed, while making the "cut" gesture as everyone laughed.

* * *

The "No relation" line was originally conceived and written by Paul Dini and Sherry Stoner.

"Hold That Duck" and "Frankenmyra" were written by Peter Hastings, Paul Dini, Paul Rugg, and Rich Arons.

The episode Mary first refers to is "Cross Country Kitty", and it was written by Eddie "Narf" Fitzgerald.

The episodes where Lightning Rodriguez was _supposed_ to appear in is "You Asked For It" and "High Toon".

The episode where Sneezer got the earful is "Phone Call From the 405", and it was written by Tom Ruegger.

The "Saturday Night Live" spoof was "Weekday Afternoon Live", and it was written by Peter Hastings, Deanna Oliver, and Paul Dini.

The phrase "A Hard Day's Night" was originally conceived by, Richard Starkey—ahem, sorry: _Sir Ringo Starr._

The "Street Hawk" intro was originally conceived and written by Glen A. Larson.

Mary's final exclamation was originally said by Greg "X" Volz.

* * *

The "stars" of Tiny Toons arrived at Weenie Burgers, like they mostly did after school. Buster, as always, led them to their usual booth—

—but suddenly stopped in his tracks, making everyone else pile up into him—

(THUD!)

—and made him fall, again with everyone piled up on top of him.

"Hey, what gives?" asked Babs, annoyed.

The J.A.M. leaned into the frame and said, "Cut…"

* * *

Music directed by Richard Stone and John Van Tongren.

"The Lonely Man" (End Theme of "The Incredible Hulk") is © 1999 Studio Tracks Music Group. Written by Joe Harnell. Performed by Plucky Duck. Used without permission.

"Cielito Lindo" is Public Domain. Written by Quirino Mendoza y Cortéz. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. I don't need anyone's permission to use it, because it's public domain, duh!

"What's Up" (What's Going On) is © 1996 BMG Records. Written by Lynda Perry. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"The Tigger Song" is © 1974 Disney Records. Written by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman. Performed by Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Macho Man" is © 1978 Casablanca Records. Written by Jacques Morali, Henri Belolo, Victor Willis, and Peter Whitehead. Performed by Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Pretty Woman" is © 1964 Virgin Records. Written by Roy Orbison. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Dizzy" is © 1969 ABC-Paramount Records. Written by Tommy Roe. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Hey, Mickey" is © 1982 Numa Records. Written by Tony Basil. Performed by Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"I Wanna Tell The World" is © 1992 Reunion Records. Written by Michael W. Smith, Mark Heimermann, and Toby McKeehan. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

The final serenade was inspired (and some segments were downright ripped off) from Les Luthiers' "El Rey Enamorado" (The King in Love), from the album "Muchas Gracias De Nada" (Thanks A Lot You're Welcome), which is © 1979 Pueblo Records. Originally written by Marcos Mundstock, Carlos López Puccio, Jorge Maronna, Carlos Núñez Cortés, and Daniel Rabinovich. Used without permission. Parody lyrics written by and © The J.A.M. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger.

* * *

The jaguar turned and said, "I beg your pOOOFF!" He was caught in another crushing embrace, except this time it was furry. The skunkmaid held him in a full-body hug from his left, pinning his arms to his sides—

(THUD!)

And the pounce was so hard that it actually knocked him over.

"CUT!" he yelled, being muffled by her tail and the laughter.

* * *

No copyright infringement is intended or implied. I did all this for the fun of it.

All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this fanfic are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real persons, places, or events is unintentional and purely coincidental, except in cases of severe self-insertion, I suppose, but even then the similarities are controlled, he he.

* * *

Mary pushed that quickly aside, "He has an incontinence problem and both _are_ in school, but again, only _we_ know about that. If the 'stars' were _true_ friends, they would have known about this long ago. Again, they call us 'friends', but it seems that for them, a 'friend' is anyone who isn't a downright villain or a psychotic fan. But we 'friends' get _walked on_ by them, as you saw this afternoon." She then brushed off a spot on her shoulder that Sweetie missed earlier. "Even Babs and Buster wouldn't hesitate to walk over us. In fact, they did just that. They call Sneezer their 'friend', but they really consider it a nuisance when you write lines so (CENSORED) long like these and we can't remember them—" The jaguar clamped his paw on her mouth at the sound of that word.

He looked at the camera, sort of scared, "Cut!"

* * *

They walked/padded down the stairs, and Mary opened the garage door. Inside, the jaguar unlocked his bicycle, and pushed it outside. No sooner had he done that when—

—nothing happened.

"I knew I shouldn't have hired that special effect crew. CUT!"

* * *

SPECIAL THANKS

To Montero.

To Mars.

To Microsoft's Encyclopædia Encarta '99, for all the scientific classifications.

To Roberto Gómez Bolaños "Chespirito", who hopefully won't mind me having ripped off a few of his catch phrases.

To Joaquín Salvador Lavado "Quino", also hoping he doesn't mind me using some of his material as well.

To Les Luthiers.

To Kevin "HKU" Mickel, for the info on dart rifles, and Bosko.

* * *

At that point, the loon hen's powers failed, and she collapsed on the floor. Immediately, the mammals rushed to help. Mary cried, "Shirley! What's wro—?"

"LIKE, I THINK I HURT MY (CENSORED) I SAT SO HARD, ER SUM JUNK!" Everyone screamed with laughter, and later helped her up.

"Cut…" he chuckled.

* * *

Angrily, she stood, shoved her way out of the row—

(THUD!)

—and tripped.

"CUT!" yelled the jaguar behind her. "Lights!" The lights turned on, revealing Mary laughing.

"I thlipped!" she said, and everyone laughed again.

* * *

"RACIST! **_RACIST CARTOONS!"_** With adrenaline-powered strength, she shoved the pile aside, knocking over the canisters and sending the projector crashing to the floor with an angry cacophony. The others were now approaching her again, determined to try to calm her down. "How the bleep am I supposed to be funny if I have no mentor or role model from the past! Do you know the REAL reason why I was cast with Tiny Toons Adventures! I was put here to keep all the civil rights groups quiet! With me as the required minority, everyone else could do whatever they wanted without any civil rights groups bothering them about minorities! I'M HERE TO KEEP EVERYTHING POLITICALLY CORRECT! THAT'S WHY LIGHTNING COULDN'T BE ON THE AIR, OTHERWISE—I CAN'T BELIEVE I BLEW THE BEST LINE OF THE STORY, (CENSORED)!"

"CUT!"

* * *

No sooner had she done that when she suddenly skated to the front steps, intercepting someone. "MoOOOOOONTY!" She slipped and almost fell. "Don't you dare follow The J.A.M.!" she warned him to his laughing face, and then she laughed too.

"CUT!"

* * *

He padded to a shelf, and pulled out two very thick books.

"What's that, huh-huh?" asked the American mouse.

"These—" (KATHUMP! CRASH!) "—are to help us wreck tables." Laughter again. "Sigh…cut…"

* * *

The kiss sent Babs' panic into overdrive, allowing her to pull free from the vice-like embrace, jump up, run in place in mid-air, give Fifi several kicks in the face in the process, and blast out of the restaurant through the window—

(WHAM!)

Babs slid down the window pane.

"CUT! Who put the bullet-proof glass here?"

* * *

Satisfied with the answer, Mary let the tape play. Both saw Babs put the carrot cake on the table, and then turn her back to the camera as she turned to Buster. She paused the tape again.

"Now what do you see?"

"Oo, la la! I see ze tape ees stuck!"

"CUT!"

* * *

She just smiled at him, and mumbled, "…they didn't know I was clever—I mean—um…"

"CUT," he growled.

* * *

EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS

To Bunnyman and Nathaniel T. Freeman, for the info on Lightning Rodriguez.

To Nathaniel T. Freeman and Thorne, for the info on the creators of Tiny Toons Adventures and Animaniacs.

To Leondrel Gonzalez, for the tapes.

To Nathaniel T. Freeman (again) for the re-edit.

To Rottin Kid/The Incredible Werekitty and Leloni Bunny, for agreeing to cameo here.

* * *

"Besides, Mister Duck here is already willing to confess the whole thing to Miss Loon, aren't you, Mister Duck?" The duck just shook in fear and hid behind Montana, who was now scowling at _him_. The jaguar continued. "The darts and tranquilliser can be traced to their manufacturers and buyers, Mister _Maximiliano_. And I'm sure that any furry toon with a good nose can pick up your scents on those—"

"ACHOO!"

"— buildings—? Oh, please, cut."

Mary sniffled, "Sorry, guys, you pick up a lot of dust there!

* * *

He caught her gaffe, however. "I never considered myself good looking. The fact that I frighten others, including _you_, kinda proves that. I'm flattered that you think highly of me—because I don't. And the rest of the Tiny Toons don't, either. Miss Loon has them all frightened of me because she can sense Something that's beyond her power and ability to know. If they're not scared of me as a predator, they're scared of me because of what they know that they _don't_ know. And right now they all wish they _didn't_ know that they don't know. They all kept their distance from you and the rest, and now that they got closer, the things they learned from us—from me—scared them to death. I've _unwillingly_ just became a troublemaker at school. And I don't want to be a troublemaker, believe me. And seeing the havoc I caused by writing long lines, I see you're right." He shook his head as he turned to pad to the starting position, signalling the cut and leaving Mary laughing hysterically.

* * *

Just in case you're wondering, the various ways of saying "The End" are written in English, German, Afrikaans, Dutch, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Italian, Romanian, Polish, Russian, Latvian, Finnish, Greek, Hebrew, Malay, Hokkien, Seneca, Chinese, Japanese, Norwegian, Swedish, and Mayan, respectively.

Also, the chapter titles were being counted in Spanish.

* * *

"Ah, yes, you're just in time, Mrs. LaFume," she replied, smiling and looking up at her—

"QUELLE!" she screamed.

"CUT!"

"What was wrong with that!" demanded Leloni.

"Lel, Ah am NOT, 'ow you say, marreed!"

"Oops! Sorry!

* * *

"If thou would love me the way that I love thee." Lightning tried to sing, but the jaguar wouldn't pause. He flattened his ears and squeaked lightly in panic.

"That which is mine would become thine, and ours!

And it would become the object of envy for them and all!" Lightning frowned, stiffened his tail, looked down at the jaguar for a moment, looked up again—

—and just exploded in laughter again.

The jaguar just wiped his face.

"Cut…"

"Hey, do you take requests?" asked Mary, from above.

* * *

Before she walked into the front door, Mary turned and looked at the camera, and commented with a wink, "It's okay, guys, my parents are home." With that, she carried him inside—

—bonking his head on the door frame.

"OW!" Amid the chuckling, he managed to say, "CUT!"

* * *

END TAG:

Mary Melody comes out of the TTA rings and proclaims, "For K-ACME News, this is Mary Melody, signing off!"

* * *

Until next time, remember:

I AM THE J.A.M.

Good evening.

(WARP!)


End file.
